Eric Trump Knows We All Collectively Invented Pandemic So Daddy Can't Do Rallies
Eric Trump — a fella who really ought to just be counting his blessings, re: mask mandates right now — stopped by the Judge Jeanine Pirro show on Saturday night to discuss how mad he is there are still stay-at-home orders and limits on gathering sizes and his theories about why they are happening.
He opened with a real zinger.
You can go buy a bottle of vodka at a liquor store, but you can't go to church. You can go to Planned Parenthood and get an abortion, but you can't go to the public library to vote.
Yes. Because a fucking virus is out here making moral judgments.
We've been hearing this line a lot, despite the fact that it is the kind of thing one should realize is very stupid the moment it comes out their mouth. People seem to think it's very clever and that when people hear it they will say "Oh boy, I never thought of it that way!" and not "Because in a church you stand very close to people. People who are often singing, which we know is basically the quickest way to get COVID-19 from someone who has it. Choirs are dropping like flies. Or at least spreading it very quickly among themselves. And it is no less safe to buy a bottle of vodka than it is to buy a bag of flour. WHY WOULD IT BE LESS SAFE? IT INVOLVES THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF PERSONAL INTERACTION!"
After that little bon mot, he then explained that the HEROES Act, the purpose of which is to help people and make things safer, is a Trojan horse, because it has stuff in it about allowing mail-in-voting, a thing that would obviously make us all a lot safer and help us vote. Republicans want to pretend as if they are guarding against voter fraud, but the real truth of the story is that they know that the more people vote, the more likely they are to lose. Because of how their policies are not actually very popular. Voter fraud, in reality, is very rare and — when it does happen on a large scale, organized by a campaign — quickly detectable, even with mail-in ballots. Like with what happened with North Carolina Republican Mark Harris's congressional election back in 2018.
Trump started discussing what he thinks this quarantine is really about, which is trying to deprive the world of his Daddy's incredible charm in order to make him lose the election. He really, truly thinks we are doing this quarantine shit because we don't want his Daddy to have the rallies he loves so dearly, because that is the only way we can ever beat him.
They think they're taking away Donald Trump's greatest tool, which is being able to go into an arena and fill it with 50,000 people every single time, right? So they will, and you watch, they'll milk it, every single day between now and November 3. And guess what? After November 3, coronavirus will magically all of a sudden go away and disappear and everybody will be able to reopen.
Well if that's the case, then people definitely shouldn't vote for Donald Trump. I certainly don't want to spend the rest of my life doing this shit. And hey, if Democrats can pull off faking a worldwide pandemic where literally everyone everywhere has to stay home just to win this particular election, then just imagine what they can accomplish!
Please, we're gonna put Jared in charge of the Middle East when there's this kind talent lying around? I don't think so.
Wonkette is independent and fully funded by readers like you. Click below to tip us! Also if you are buying stuff on Amazon, click this link!
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse