Eric Trump's Daddy Running For President Just To Get His Baby Boy A Real Christmas Tree
Oh glorious Wonkers, we have a heartwarming story for your Friday afternoon, to send you into the weekend with love in your heart and starbursts coming out of your pants! Did you know Eric Trump, the not-very-bright youngest son of Donald and Ivana, is hoping to get a real live Christmas tree this year, for Christmas? He doesn't want a "holiday" tree for "holiday," pffffffffft blech THAT'S SECULAR. It's understandable, considering Donald Trump's longstanding commitment to the Christian church and the lovely little Jesus crackers they serve there, yum yum, gimme some!
Eric gave an interview to James Robison, and described why his selfish-as-fuck daddy is running for president. Oh, did we say "selfish"? We meant SELFLESS:
I started saying at the beginning of the campaign that I always thought my father’s act was incredibly selfless. It’s amazing. I can’t tell you how often I have people who are members of one of our clubs say, “Wow, I am really impressed that your father is running. Here’s a man who has everything in the world. He has been the epitome of the American dream and to subject himself to this is really something. You’d certainly never see me signing up.”
None of the people at The Club could imagine slumming it by being president for God's sake. Let's skip ahead to where idiot boy is excited about his new Christmas tree:
[H]e opens up the paper each morning and sees our nation’s leaders giving a hundred billion dollars to Iran, or he opens the paper and some new school district has just eliminated the ability for its students to say the pledge of allegiance, or some fire department in some town is ordered by the mayor to no longer fly the American flag on the back of a fire truck. Or, he sees the tree on the White House lawn has been renamed “Holiday tree” instead of “Christmas tree.” I could go on and on for hours. Those are the very things that made my father run, and those are the very things he cares about.
The money we gave to Iran was THEIR MONEY, part of a deal from the year of our Lord nineteen seventy-goddamn-nine. But fuck that, if you know how to read, you already know the wingnuts' bitching about "ransom" or whatever is a crock of shit.
Let's focus on CHRISTMAS TREES. Because all Eric Trump's life, he has never been able to experience the joy of Christmas, because Barack Obummer renamed the White House tree as the "holiday tree," so he could support all the Kenyan gay holidays he likes, like Hanukkah and Festivus, instead of correctly honoring Jesus with a snowy fir tree, just like they had in Bethlehem. But if Eric's daddy gets to be preznit, it will be a Christmas tree, and Eric will stay up ALL NIGHT LONG and his dad will be like "Go to bed or Santa will forget to bring the tremendous bejeweled YOOOOGE presents!" and Melania will say whatever Michelle Obama says to her kids on Christmas Eve, verbatim, in a Slovenian accent, and oh boy, oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!
And all because his daddy was "selfless" enough to run for president.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/599807/psa-please-do-not-poison-donald-trumps-creepy-looking-son-with-lemonade"></a>[/wonkbar]Did we mention Eric Trump is not that bright? This is, after all, the same boy who got terrorist attacked by powdered lemonade. (WHICH IS NOT A FUNNY THING TO DO TO ERIC TRUMP, YOU MORONS!)
As Andrew Kaczynski at Buzzfeed points out, the White House National Christmas Tree is called the fucking White House fucking National fucking Christmas Tree, and always has been, therefore Eric Trump is a very bad boy for saying lies about his "selfless" daddy, and Jesus will never come down the chimney and leave him presents ever again, in Santa's Name, AMEN.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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