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Glory hallelujah! Erick Erickson, who has not fucked any goats that we know of but who recently argued (for clickbait reasons) that Pete Buttigieg probably thinks Jesus does like bestiality, has written a column teaching "Christians" how to behave during Pride month, we guess because they needed a primer. And yes, we know Pride month is technically over, but that little scheduling conflict didn't seem to bother Erickson, who published it in his hometown Macon Telegraph on June 30, so why should it bother us?

It starts:

What are Christians to do during Pride?

Um ... cut the grass? Pay the bills? Or even ... go to Pride if they wanna?


Countless Christians participated in Pride, whether they were LGBT Christians or hetero Christians who have always been supportive or hetero Christians who literally go to Pride events to hug people and say they're sorry for what Erick Erickson's Church has done to them. So really, Christians, the world is your oyster here, at least next June, since Erickson's guidance arrived late.

Of course, those aren't the Christians Erick Erickson is writing to, because Erick Erickson is one of those piece of shit "Christians" who deigns to judge, based on his backwoods understanding of a book he reads upside down in a language it wasn't written in, who is and is not a true grit bona fide Christian. For instance, in this article he wrote yesterday, about the Presbyterian Church in America (PCA, not to be confused with the normal Presbyterian church, PCUSA; the PCA is like a Taliban offshoot) signing on to the atrociously bigoted anti-LGBT Nashville Statement, he explained that the PCA is one of the "non-heretical branches" of the Presbyterian Church. Erickson is a part of the PCA, and he ain't no heretic!

Having personal experience with the PCA, we can tell you these folks often fancy themselves as being significantly more intellectual than the Southern Baptists or any of the other conservative branches of the Christian church. It is seeded into your being if you grow up in a PCA church that you study the Bible in a smarter and more thoughtful way than anybody else, so you are SUPER expert at deciding who is and who is not a heretic. Just so you understand that about Erickson's worldview -- it's pretty constant for him.

Anyway, Erickson has advice for "Christians" who inexplicably need advice from Erick Erickson on what to do during Pride:

Remember your faith and be good neighbors

Awesome movement you have there, when you have to write articles reminding the faithful not to be absolute shithole garbage humans just because LGBT folks exist. To be clear, the reason the first two headers here are in bold is because they are the title of the piece.

Erickson begins with a swirly reflection on whether scripture is merely inspired by God, or whether God truly breathed those words into the brains of men like Paul and Isaiah, then bitches about liberal theologians, some of whom don't even take the virgin birth literally and don't accept things like biblical inerrancy as gospel truth. (How dare they study their subject without bias and find that things may not be as Erick Erickson was taught they should be, and that virgin birth and flood narratives weave their way through lots of ancient myths that predate Christianity? Heresy!)

He makes a quick pit stop into an argument from (his own holy) authority about how "skeptics" don't understand how to interpret the Bible the way Erick Erickson does (told you PCA people are up their own ass), and then declares without evidence an article of faith that has become sacrosanct for a certain kind of conservative evangelical bigot: that most of the laws of the Old Testament don't apply anymore, but the gay ones do, because they said so, because gays are gross.

We [...] understand that while Christ fulfilled the Old Testament, the moral law remains in place. The laws on ceremonial cleanliness and civil government no longer bind us. The food laws are gone. But morality, including sexual ethics, remains. That now puts orthodoxy in the crosshairs of culture.

They swear "no gay butt stuff" (Leviticus 18:22) is different from other parts of the Jewish law because they say it's reaffirmed in the New Testament writings of Paul. (That, in and of itself, is highly questionable if you study the original Greek without the confirmation bias of really hoping you're right about God hating the same fags you hate.) Therefore, a dude in the New Testament said it, so get to gay-bashing, as it is what Christ would want.

And according to Erick Erickson's Very Intellectual Bible Study Expertise, all REAL Christians accept this interpretation as true, and all Christians who come to a less hateful conclusion -- people far more learned and scholarly than he -- are simple heathens. (If you'd like to delve into the work of these common heretics theologians, here's a really cool list. Literally none of the authors linked there has ever called a sitting Supreme Court justice a "goat-fucking child molester" like Erick Erickson did.)

Erickson's point -- yes, after one million paragraphs he's getting to it -- is to set up a victim narrative for poor Bible-believin' Christians who just ain't know what to do in the face of all this so-called gay pride ("orthodoxy in the crosshairs of culture"), and can you even believe it, but the church at the center of town in Georgia lets those heathens through the front doors!

Even here in Middle Georgia, it is increasingly common to find churches hoisting up the rainbow flag to celebrate pride, which scripture calls a sin. [According to more primitive theologians and the people who only exist to pass the heritage of bigotry on to future generations. - Ed.] It is more common to find people who claim the New Testament does not really mean what it says or that it is just a useful guideline. A few churches even perform gay weddings.

YIKES! Gay stuff! At church!

During pride month, orthodoxy Christians must undoubtedly now appreciate how the atheist feels at Christmas time.

Except that most atheists (we said most) don't run around whining like whiny-ass victims about everything, and some of them even enjoy the cultural parts of Christmas, just like lots of Christians, the kinds whose faith is deeper than singing "Jesus loves me, God hates fags," also have fun during Pride month!

Scripture says God used a rainbow as a sign to Noah that He would never destroy the world by flood again. Now even some churches raise the rainbow flag as if to spite scriptural commands.

Or maybe they're just not so stupid/arrogant as to think God intended every single rainbow that ever fuckin' naturally occurred to be a commemorative coin representing that time He woke up on the wrong side of the bed and (allegedly) committed a 40-day/40-night thunder-boomer holocaust.

What is a Christian to do? [He means "bigot," not "Christian." - Ed.]

Be a fucking normal person for once? Stay home if you don't like Pride? Go cry over a full plate of diabetes at the Ryan's Family Steakhouse before stroking out in the Walmart because it's selling gay Pride paraphernalia?

Well, one thing is to not get embittered or angry.

Oh. Skip Walmart then.

Approximately 18 million paragraphs in, Erickson finally arrives at his final point, which is that bigots aren't allowed to bake gay cakes for gay weddings but they don't have to be transparently shitty about it, and they aren't allowed to put up a gay pride flag -- NOT EVEN IF THEY SAY IT'S A "NOAH'S ARK" FLAG BECAUSE EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT'S GAY -- but if they happen to be out there serving the "homeless, the weak, the orphans, and the widows" -- LOL how often do fundamentalist Christians get caught doing that shit? -- that it's probably OK if they accidentally help a fag orphan or a lezzy widow, God will probably not strike them dead on the spot.

Increasingly, as the world turns away from faith and liberal Christians join with secular society to mock the things of God, Christians in America need not get angry. They need to remember their faith and be good neighbors.

That was his entire point.

The end.

[The Macon Telegraph]

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