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Get Ready, Afghanistan! Erik Prince Gonna Rambo Your Ass!

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Erik Prince has quietly surfaced from one of his underground lairs to try to convince Donald Trump to give him control of military operations in Afghanistan. US officials deny that anyone is taking the infamous soldier of fortune seriously, but Prince says he's dead set on extrajudicially killing and kidnapping people for for America's favorite God-emperor.


Speaking to NBC's Andrea Mitchell, Prince said he's simply trying to save Uncle Sam a lot of money by lining his own pockets. After more 9/11 references than a Rudy Giuliani wet dream, Prince argued that Trump's advisers are painting "as rosy a picture as they can" in order to keep him and his battalion of Action Jacksons from taking over.

When Prince pitches his plan, he makes it sound like we're in the middle of a Steven Seagal movie. He uses catchy buzzwords like "blood and treasure" to describe how bad things currently are, and makes references to Rambo the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. He acknowledges the war isn't popular and blames shortcomings on bureaucracy within the Pentagon, but for the low, low price of few billion dollars he can swoop in and fix everything (just like he did in Iraq).

If we leave decisions on war solely to the Pentagon, we will be at war forever.

Prince has been shopping his plan to become "viceroy" of Afghanistan for over a year now. He likes to argue the whole country is constantly on the verge of collapse, and the only thing that can stop it is his 5,500 unaccountable super soldiers, a private Air Force, and total control of all spending and contracting operations. He even has a handy Power Point he carries around so he can show people how easy it would be to massacre civilians wrap up the war.

National security and Pentagon officials continue to deny that Prince's plan is being taken seriously. On Sunday, White House war machine and Trump's national security advisor John Bolton told ABC that he's "open to new ideas" about Afghanistan, adding that if he had his way, "we'd have a change in some of the things we're doing there," but concluded that the US would rather continue negotiating with terrorists. Suck it, Reagan.

The memory of Prince fucking up everything in Iraq is still fresh in the minds of many inside the Pentagon. Back in 2007, four of Prince's goons killed 14 unarmed Iraqi civilians. The whole SNAFU forced the US to reconsider the role of US military contractors, Prince moved to Abu Dhabi, and his company Blackwater had to change its name (twice!).

The Pentagon's chief complaint is that Prince wants the authority to kill people without any accountability under any US or Afghan laws, and they doubt Prince can deliver what he promises with such a small invasion force. Even former mercenaries have called his plan "garbage," noting that NATO couldn't do the job with 140,000 troops while the Taliban was in retreat eight years ago. Fifty-five hundred? Man, those must be SOME antifa supersoldiers!

Ultimately the decision is up to Trump. NBC reports that some officials have been trying to feed him more appetizing shit sandwiches on Afghanistan, but they say he's grown bitchy about the lack of progress. With a newly resurgent Taliban it's entirely possible Trump could throw a tantrum and sell off US operations in Afghanistan via a tweetstorm. It's also possible that Prince's involvement in Trump-Russia could land him behind bars for lying to Congress. Wouldn't that be fun? It would.

[NBC / ABC ]

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Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.

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