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And now for your brief but timely update on when Nancy Pelosi is going to send the articles of impeachment to Mitch McConnell and whether Mitch McConnell is going to cancel impeachment entirely by flaring his turtle butthole and stuffing the impeachment articles right up in there, never to be seen again.


Mitch McConnell is joyfully signing on to a resolution introduced by Senator Josh Hawley (R-Gilead), which would change the Senate rules to say Nancy Pelosi has 25 DAYS OR ELSE to send the impeachment articles, and that's 25 days from the day they were approved, at which point Republicans could just vote to cancel them, because obviously that is how Constitution works. By the way, 25 days from when the articles were approved is this Sunday. Anyway, Corey Lewandowski better tune up his WOMP WOMP, because Hawley's resolution would require 67 votes in the Senate, just like Lindsey Graham's latest Hail Mary idea to start a sham Senate trial without the impeachment articles, which would mean 14 Democrats would have to agree with 100 percent of Republicans and hahahahahahahahaha NOPE. Axios points out that McConnell could go for the so-called "nuclear option" and just blow everything the fuck up and the resolution could pass with a simple majority, so keep your eye on that one, we guess. However, extremely vulnerable Republican senators like Cory Gardner and Martha McSally might not be keen on doing something like that, and neither would Mitt Romney, probably.

Meanwhile, reporters are chasing Nancy Pelosi all over the place saying "WHEN YOU GONNA SEND THE ARTICLES" and she is like "I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU FOR WEEKS THAT I'M GOING TO SEND THEM WHEN I HAVE SEEN WHAT THE SENATE TRIAL IS GOING TO LOOK LIKE, THAT IS MY ANSWER, YOU CAN ASK ME ALL YOU WANT BUT THAT IS STILL MY ANSWER." She did say in her weekly presser that the handover will "probably be soon."

The other day all these Democratic senators came out and said OK it's kinda time to send the articles probably, but it was Dianne Feinstein and some other senators, and also House Armed Services Committee Chair Rep. Adam Smith, pfffft, whatever. But clearly Nancy Pelosi not only controls the House Democrats but also the Senate Democrats, because the very next morning, all those senators and also Adam Smith were like "oops I did it again, I DECLARE MY STATEMENT WALKED BACK," and now they are being good little boys and girls and saying Nancy Pelosi has things under control and can do what the fuck she wants.

McConnell says he's not going to release the impeachment rules until Pelosi sends the impeachment articles, but again, Pelosi isn't going to send the articles until she sees the rules, and if you have ever been in a staring contest with a constipated turtle, now you know how Nancy Pelosi feels.

This has been your brief but timely update on when Nancy Pelosi is going to send the articles of impeachment to Mitch McConnell and whether Mitch McConnell is going to cancel impeachment entirely by flaring his turtle butthole and stuffing the impeachment articles right up in there, never to be seen again.

In Christ's name,

Amen.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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