Everybody Hates Ted Cruz: George W. Bush Edition
Except just after that the monkey threw him off the cliff.
It is a well-known fact that there is nobody in the world who REALLY loves Ted Cruz. All the people who say they do are just kinda faking it because they don't want to be mean, even though Ted Cruz is a shitbag who deserves it. But really, for no kidding, everybody hates him. Everybody in Congress tells jokes about him behind his back, they steal his lunch money, and they give him big wet hugs, but only so they can put signs on his back that say "I am the Senator from Cuba and Canada, and I am pooping right now!" Drunk sobby John Boehner said Cruz is a J-word, by which we mean "jackass."
So it should come as no surprise that the former president of the United States, George W. A Idiot Bush, also hates Ted Cruz super hard. Look at all the sassy he said about Cruz at a fundraiser for Jeb:
“I just don’t like the guy,” Bush said Sunday night, according to conversations with more than half a dozen donors who attended the event.
Finally, we agree with President The Dumb about a thing, although our reasons are probably different. We hate Ted Cruz because he has a fetish for murdering people with the death penalty and he makes gross commercials about his bacon-wrapped penis gun. And also that time he said a real big stupid about how he'll protect "Jewish churches" from the homosexuals. Oh, and remember that time Cruz thought it'd be HI-LARIOUS to make shitty jokes about Joe Biden THE WEEK BEAU BIDEN DIED? These are but a few of the reasons we hate Ted Cruz.
OH, but you are saying, "Maybe Dubya is just saying that because his brother Jeb! is running for president against Cruz, so he has to be mean to all the rivals." And sure, Politico reports that the former president thinks Cruz is one of the greatest threats on the Republican side, but it's not like he's a threat to Jeb! in particular, who is a loser who sucks at running for president.
But that's what Ted Cruz wants to think! The old president (and his former boss) is only saying anger words because it's the primary and he has to stick up for his dumbstupid brother:
“I have great respect for George W Bush, and was proud to work on his 2000 campaign and in his administration," Cruz said. "It's no surprise that President Bush is supporting his brother and attacking the candidates he believes pose a threat to his campaign. I have no intention of reciprocating. I met my wife Heidi working on his campaign, and so I will always be grateful to him."
Haha OK whatever. But the problem with that theory is that old Gee Dubya The Moron didn't say a bunch of means about the other Republicans. According to Politico, he said Marco Rubio is pretty OK, but inexperienced, but HAHA, if Rubio gets the nomination, "I’ll be back here next year telling you that doesn’t matter.”
He didn't even say extra mean stuff about Donald Trump, who is THE MEANEST to poor Jebbers, oh except for that part about how Ted Cruz's throat is like a sex koozie for Donald Trump's toupeed penis:
One donor, paraphrasing the former president’s comment in response to a broad question about how he viewed the primary race and the other Republican candidates, said: “He said he found it ‘opportunistic’ that Cruz was sucking up to Trump and just expecting all of his support to come to him in the end,” that donor added.
"Down on the ranch, we call guys like that big fuckin' cocksuckers," the former president did not add. (That we know of. Unless he did. He probably did.)
Regardless, Dubya doesn't have much of a reason to lie about his feelings about Ted Cruz or anyone else. Politico reports that he told the donors present that, though he's doing some campaigning for Jeb right now, "You're not going to see a lot of me" otherwise. And why? We dunno, but wild guess: MAYBE Dubya knows that Jebbers is stupid and bad and ain't never gonna be president of nothin'. He's probably ready for Jeb to go ahead and lose the whole thing so the Bush family can go back to giggling along as their mommy Barbara Bush calls Jeb a loser and does an armpit fart every time somebody says his name, and also makes him sleep outside whenever he's at the Kennebunkport compound. That stuff always gives George W. the giggle-shits.
Anyway, so now you know. George W. Bush is a proud card-carrying member of the "I Hate Ted Cruz Club, For People Who Hate Ted Cruz," and Jeb Bush is still never going to be president.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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