Everything Tastes Better Beer-Battered, Especially Late Harvest Green Tomatoes

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Let's dive into the deep fryer and share the wonders of beer batter. We've got a tomato vine that is alive and set with a bunch of little green fruit that need to be harvested before the first frost. However, the applications of beer batter are only limited by your imagination, budget, and ingredient availability. Say goodbye to Daylight Savings Time with fried little bits of summer.

First, a disclaimer demanded by the Wonkette legal team: Deep frying is dangerous, and could result in bodily harm, death, property damage, fat butts, and/or facial break-outs. Be careful and moderate, for fuck's sake.


Do you have a countertop deep fryer? This is a nice, cheap model from Amazon. We used to have one, but Mrs. Chesterfield made us get rid of it because some of us are not the best at cleaning up after ourselves.

You don't have one of those? No biggie, just use a deep pot, and monitor the temperature of the oil with a candy/deep frying thermometer.

You don't have one of those either? Don't worry, we'll discuss some other options later.

If you don't have the countertop fryer with the basket, you'll also need a metal slotted spoon or one of those sweet spider strainers.

The Batter

1/2 cup all-purpose flour

1/2 cup corn meal

1 egg

1 tablespoon melted butter

1/2 cup or so beer (American Adjunct Lager, which is hipster-speak for domestic rice beer swill)

A shake or two of Old Bay

Mix it all up in a shallow dish until it's nice and smooth. Drink the rest of the beer (unless you know where to get 1/2 cup cans of beer).

Cover the dish, and let it stand (or sit, if it's tired) for a few hours. You can make it a day or two ahead and put it in the fridge, too. Just remember to take it about a half hour before you're going to cook.

This formulation is specifically designed for fried green tomatoes (also good for onion rings), but the flour, beer, and seasoning parameters can be changed according to what you're going to fry. We're including corn meal for flavor and a little bit of gritty texture. If you were to make apple fritters, maybe you'd use only all-purpose flour, a nice Oktoberfest marzen, and a pinch of sugar and cinnamon.


Set up your frying rig to get the oil up to 375 degrees Fahrenheit. NEVER fill the frying vessel more than halfway with oil. Speaking of which, the frying medium could be regular old vegetable oil, vegetable shortening, canola oil, lard, or peanut oil. If you don't have a fryer with a thermostat or a deep frying thermometer, the oil's ready when a cube of white bread quickly fries up to golden brown upon being dropped in. Another method for telling if it's hot enough, which YOU SHOULD NOT EVER USE, is to flick a drop of water into the oil. It will sizzle and make loud pops if it's ready. Or it will cause the oil to overflow and burn your house down. We cannot emphasize enough that you should not use the water drop method.

Today we're frying late harvest green cherry tomatoes, cutting the bigger ones into quarters and the smaller ones in half. Cut 'em up, throw 'em in the batter, and stir gently to coat.

Get a plate ready by placing absorbent paper on it.

Allow the excess batter to drip off each piece of tomato, and carefully drop them into the oil. Do not overcrowd the pot, for a number of reasons: you could get dangerous overflow, the oil could lose its heat, and they could all stick together. Watch out for the hot oil jumping up and trying to burn you. This part of the process is messy and dangerous. Use great care. Remember what we just talked about with the water drop.

They're done when they float to the top and turn golden brown and delicious. Scoop them out, let the oil drip back into the fryer, and place them on your plate. Sprinkle with salt and pepper.

Once you've fried all the batches of tomatoes, you may have some leftover batter. Throw it away, or have a test kitchen session of your own.

Try to wait a minute for them to cool before you eat them. You're probably going to burn your mouth on one.

Have fun with dipping options. We like a two-to-one combination of ketchup and sriracha.

Don't be an asshole; dispose of your spent oil appropriately. Turn it into fuel for a diesel engine, or call your local waste disposal authorities to figure that out.

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Arkansas Republican Senator and evil Pinocchio turned into a real live boy Tom Cotton appeared on CBS's "Face the Nation" to discuss the attacks on oil tankers on the Gulf of Oman. And while the world is still trying to confirm IF Iran perpetrated the attacks due to conflicting accounts (the US says it was Iran with mines; the Japanese shipping operator says it was a “flying object"), that hasn't stopped GOP politicians like Cotton from trying to turn this into the justification they've been looking for, for great good glorious WAR.

MARGARET BRENNAN: You have long been defined as a hawk on Iran. You see these recent attacks, these are commercial vessels not military installations. What kind of response is warranted?

: Well Iran for 40 years has engaged in this kind of attacks going back to the 1980s. In fact Ronald Reagan had to reflag a lot of vessels going through the Persian Gulf and ultimately take military action against Iran in 1988. These unprovoked attacks on commercial shipping warrant a retaliatory military strike.

: Are you- you're comparing the tanker war in the '80s to now and saying that that's the kind of military response you want to see?

COTTON: We can make a military wreck- response in a time and in a manner of our choosing. But yes, unprovoked attacks on commercial shipping warrant a retaliatory military strike against the Islamic Republic of Iran.

The goddamn “Tanker Wars"?! Oh ... you mean when, during the Iraq-Iran War, we waited until Kuwait formally asked for our assistance to escort Saddam Hussein's oil? When Reagan, without approval from Congress, reflagged Kuwaiti vessels? When Reagan got us involved in the Iraq-Iran War leading to a daylong naval battle between Iran and the US, known as Operation Praying Mantis? The conflict we jumped into that led to our mistaking an Iran Air commercial jetliner for an Iranian F-14, shooting it down and killing all 290 people onboard, including 66 children? That's what you want to repeat, Tom Cotton?! Also, whatever happened to our ally, Saddam Hussein?

They say that those who don't learn from history repeat it. Tom Cotton is here to prove Republicans never learn. Watch the video below for yourself:

Cotton says "unprovoked attacks to oil profits" from Iran "warrant a retaliatory military strike"

While Tom Cotton was justifying a war with Iran on CBS, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo was having a surprisingly harder time on “Fox News Sunday" than he did on CBS when he transparently insinuated what the Trump administration really cares about with Iran ( "Texas Tea").

Pompeo: Trump doesn't war with Iran but will "defend American OIL interests"

Seems Pompeo was upset that his “beating the drums of war" shtick was being interrupted to have to answer about Trump admitting (more like bragging) it was okay to take foreign assistance (and then walking it back when all the killjoys said it was illegal). After playing the ABC News clip, Chris Wallace asked a very pointed yet direct question. Pompeo's answer, however, was far from both:

WALLACE: Is accepting oppo research from a foreign government right or wrong?

POMPEO: Chris, you know you asked me not to call any of your questions today ridiculous ... You came really close right there. (awkward giggle) President Trump has been very clear. He ... he clarified his remarks later. He ... he made it very clear. Even in his first comment. He said "I'd do both." He said he'd call the FBI ...

WALLACE: He said "Maybe I'd do both."

POMPEO: President Trump has been very clear. That he will always make sure that he gets it right for the American people and I'm confident he'll do that here as well.

It was at this moment Pompeo thought he was golden because he's on Fox News and they never follow up! But clearly he forgot Chris Wallace doesn't play like that.

WALLACE: At the risk of getting your ire, the President told "Fox and Friends" on Friday, and I agree, he kind of walked it back...

POMPEO: He didn't walk it back.

: Yes, he did. Because he said "maybe" on Thursday. And then on Friday, on "Fox and Friends," he said "he'd listen first AND then if the information was bad that he would take it to the FBI or the Attorney General." But he also made it clear to George Stephanopolous that he did not see this as "foreign interference." And I want to play a clip of the President's own words ...

Then Wallace played ANOTHER clip of Trump's idiotic words back to Pompeo. Then he asks Pompeo one more time:

WALLACE: He says "it's not interference, it's information." The country, sir, and I don't need to tell you, has a long history dating back to George Washington in saying that foreign interference in our elections is unacceptable. POMPEO: Chris, President Trump believes that too. I have nothing further to add. I came on to talk about foreign policy and I think that's the third time you've asked me about a Washington ... piece of ... silliness. That's just, that's just a story that's inconsistent with what I've seen from President Trump do every single day.

After an awkward pause and visible anger in Pompeo's face (really, do watch), Chris Wallace calls it a day ... but remembers to remind Pompeo he's a thin-skinned baby:

WALLACE: I will leave it there. I think I only asked you twice but that's alright Mr. Secretary. Thank you. Thanks for your time and Happy Father's Day, sir.

Watch the video below for yourself.

And that's all for this week in Trump's collusion and "wag the dog"/Saudi oil interest war chants. So let's end with a couple of pictures of my new puppy, Harley Quinn!

Might as well have one last nice thing before our next war or stolen election. Have a week!

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