Everything You Wanted To Know About Trump's Impeachment This Week But Were Too Dumb To Ask

Axios is out with a story today about how impeachment, it is going very fast, with people in Congress every single day testifying about how Donald Trump is a bad criminal stupid idiot man unfit to be president. Some stuff has leaked from the past couple days of testimony, from former Ukraine ambassador Marie Yovanovitch and former White House Russia adviser Fiona Hill, and that stuff has all been damning. But one thing you might have noticed is that there haven't been that many leaks.

Fox News reporter Chad Pergram, who covers Congress, had an insight to share on that last evening on the Twitter machine:

And what DID come out from Fiona Hill's ELEVEN HOUR INTERVIEW? Oh, just some stuff about how John Bolton was extremely pissed about all the Ukraine crimes Trump and Giuliani and their team of dipshits were committing, and a quote about how he was unwilling to be part of their "drug deal." What else did Hill say? We dunno yet, but we are going to guess it's A LOT MORE.

Again, former Ukraine envoy Kurt Volker (he resigned quite recently!) and Yovanovitch testified last week, and Hill testified yesterday. The rest of the schedule for the week is as follows:

Today, it is GEORGE KENT, State Department deputy assistant secretary, who it looks like is appearing under some sort of friendly subpoena, if Jim Jordan is to be believed. Yes, like Yovanovitch and Gordon Sondland, he is a current official, because it looks like the era of Trump administration officials just blowing off subpoenas and putting themselves in personal jeopardy is over.

Wednesday, it is MICHAEL MCKINLEY, the senior adviser to Mike Pompeo at State who just resigned last week, the one Pompeo really didn't want to talk about to badass Nashville journalist Nancy Amons in that badass interview where Amons kicked Pompeo in the nuts and then made him eat them.

Thursday, it is text-message-famousGORDON SONDLAND, the ambassador to the EU, who will be telling Congress about all the exciting Ukraine quid pro quos he actively participated in, while remaining at all times blissfully ignorant of the fact that he was doing quid pro quos, even though he was literally wearing a T-shirt the whole time that said "Don't Ask Me, I'm Just Doing Ukraine Quid Pro Quos," ALLEGEDLY. That day is gonna be some shit.

Friday, it is LAURA COOPER, the deputy assistant secretary of Defense for Russia, Ukraine and Eurasia. She will be the official first person to testify for the impeachment inquiry who comes from the Pentagon.

Also, a bunch of people face subpoena deadlines for documents this week, including Rudy Giuliani's chucklefucks Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, whose deadline is tomorrow.

You might have been wondering why all these depositions are being done behind closed doors. Republican idiots like Jim Jordan have been waddling out of Congress to explain why they're not going to leak what happens in the hearing room, because of how that is the rules and Jim Jordan likes to follow the rules:

Right. Because if something happened in that room that was GOOD for Donald Trump, Jim Jordan and Devin Nunes would definitely NOT leak it to Fox News, NO THEY NEVER!

Meanwhile, Jordan has been laundering quotes through human jizz scabs like Byron York at the Washington Examiner about how Adam Schiff is doing a scam to the American people by holding all these hearings behind closed doors. Of course, one reason Schiff is doing that is that he's trying to protect the identity of the whistleblower from people like Donald Trump and Jim Jordan, who said this morning that the whistleblower doesn't actually deserve anonymity. (Schiff has said the whistleblower may not even need to testify, since pretty much everybody in the world seems to be willing to confirm the whistleblower's complaint about Trump's myriad crimes, including Donald Trump, who released a partial transcript of his very perfect crime call with the Ukrainian president.)

But Axios reports that another reason Schiff and the Democrats are keeping things behind closed doors -- for now -- is so simple, it's been staring you in the face this whole time. They don't want witnesses to compare notes. Hello! But relax, because Axios reports that we'll be getting transcripts whenever Adam Schiff decides it's time.

And how are things going in the Trump White House, where everything is swell all the time and the right hand always knows exactly what the left nut is doing? It's just great! Reportedly, (acting) Chief of Staff Mick Mulvaney and White House Counsel Pat Cipollone (you know, that guy who writes the dumbest lawyer letters ever to Congress) currently hate each other. So that's cool!

Also, the Daily Beast reports that Donald Trump is GRRRR. ARGH. because he's pretty sure John Bolton is leaking to the press and Baptist molester-haired conservative activist Matt Schlapp says the leaker is DEEP STATE and Rudy Giuliani says John Bolton is "confused" and "bought into a false media narrative," that's right, Rudy Giuliani says somebody else is "confused," and Trump is trying to stop people from testifying but they WON'T. STOP. TESTIFYING. GRRR. ARGH. and Trump refuses to put together a war room for impeachment because he is monstrously stupid and nobody knows what the fuck is going on and Trump is thin-skinned and Trump won't listen to anybody and you know what Trump hates, it is when people write articles about what he is feeling or what it is like inside the White House right now, because they are all guilty of treason, the end.

At least that is what we think the Daily Beast -- which should be ashamed of itself for writing articles about what Trump is feeling and what it is like inside the White House right now -- is saying.

They have got to be so sick of winning and making America great again over there at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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