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Evil Bank of America Crippled By People Closing Their Accounts

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For six days straight, Bank of America's websites have been hammered. Across this struggling nation, people couldn't get online to pay their bills or attempt to balance their shrinking balances. BofA offered no explanation for this, for six long days as its customers tried to access their financial accounts immediately after BofA announced an evil new monthly fee for people to use their own debit card for shopping. So the theory naturally developed that millions of people were rushing to the bank's websites toclose checking accounts -- a good response to the giant, corrupt finance corporation's announcement that working people and middle class people would now get another $5 punch in the mouth every month, just for using their debit cards to buy groceries.


Today, BofA announced that it had figured out the six-day wipeout of its Internet infrastructure: Lots of people were logging onto the website, to close their accounts:

After six days of website woes, Bank of America finally offered an explanation as to why its website has been sporadically unavailable to customers for nearly a week.

The problems stemmed from a combination of technical difficulties and heavier than normal traffic to the bank's website, according to spokesperson Tara Burke.

Looks like the executives made really wise use of the $45 billion ($50 billion, actually) in federal bailout money (plus $118 billion in federal guarantees against future BofA losses) they took from us in 2008 and 2009. [CNN/Independent Voter Network]

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While the year 2018 will be remembered for a lot of (mostly terrible) things, it should also go down in history as the year two entirely different women got married to ghosts. Most recently, a lady named Amethyst Realm (of course) made headlines by claiming that after having had sex with at least 20 different ghosts, she had finally settled down with one she met on a flight to Australia. As one does.

But before Amethyst Realm, there was Amanda Teague, a former Jack Sparrow impersonator who was very obsessed with Disney's Pirates of the Caribbean, and who in January announced that she had married the ghost of a 300 year-old pirate named Jack Teague. Teague claimed that Jack Teague had been a black Haitian pirate who at one point had been left at the altar, and had been executed for high treason. She also claimed that they had sex -- including a little pregnancy scare -- and that he once bought her a coffee maker.

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Time for another episode of Poppy's Bad Tweets, wherein we answer the eternal question, DOES COMMANDER TWITTER THUMBS HAVE A POINT, OR IS HE JUST SMOCKING CRACK?

(Spoiler alert ....)

Yeah, About That NO COLLUSION...

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