Fun times: Image search any of the insane things Jim Bakker says. Like 'pile of dead babies'!

We have no idea how Jim Bakker returned to cable -- maybe he never went away -- but it is certainly a blessing from the Comedy Gods, because nobody does insane bullshit preacherman crazy like Bakker when his voice gets all a-quaverin' with the Deep Spiritual Emotion. Without him, we might have missed the fact that the Iran Nuke deal is, like everything else, a portent of the End Times. See also God instructing him to wear black underthings. The latest fascinating news from Bakker and his pals is that Planned Parenthood isn't merely a murder factory; it's also a place where real actual Satanists perform ritual abortions on women all the time, except somehow no one's heard of this. Until now.

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In the course of about seven and a half minutes, Bakker, along with his wife Lori and Special Guest Televangelist Rick Wiles, went from fairly standard blather about how abortion is now the "leading cause of death in America each year" into a weird riff on creationism, and finally into the shocking news that Planned Parenthood clinics pull double duty as literal temples for Satanists:

After the usual hokum about how Margaret Sanger was a racist (she wasn't) and a weird interlude where Lori Bakker admits that in the 1970s, before getting saved, she had five abortions, Jim explains the true meaning of the organization's name: "'Planned Parenthood' means 'kill the babies,' so that’s the plan!"

Rick Wiles is inspired, and jumps in: “They’re natal Nazis.” This may truly be the best phrase of the entire exchange, and we think it may belong on a coffee mug.

Lori Bakker recounts how the Planned Parenthood staff pretended to be "so sweet to you when you go in, and they're so nice, and so caring -- acting," because as anyone knows, they're actually murderers who cackle with glee every time they trick a woman into having an abortion, which no woman has ever wanted, ever, and every woman regrets forever (don't bother her with facts; she's on a roll).

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Jim recalls how Lori cried herself to sleep over the five babies that were taken from her:

So don't tell me this cra-a-ap! That this is just "planned" parenthood, just a way to "plan" your family! It’s a pile of babies almost 70 million babies tall, mountains and mountains and mountains of babies! This is why God’s judgment is coming! ... He says, "I cannot wink at the destruction of my creation!"

Somehow, the thought of these "precious perfect babies" sends Bakker off on a creationism tangent, proclaiming that evolution has to be a lie. Pointing at Wiles -- who seems to flinch as the crazy man starts poking fingers in his face -- Bakker explains:

Your eyes are there, they're not below your mouth! Your mouth didn’t somehow land up there! [Pointing to Wiles's forehead] If this was all accidental, you know, you’d have an ear there! How could such an amazing thing as this body that the Bible says is "fearfully and wonderfully made"... But yet, there are so many that want to discredit God! That's what this is all about, the whole thing is discrediting God!

So just in case you're taking notes, the theory of evolution causes abortions, or maybe the other way around. The Blame Darwin for abortions (and maybe also the Holocaust) theory is widely held by other such scientific scholars as homeschooled genius Jessa Duggar, so you know it's solid.

Wiles, perhaps recognizing that the very concept of a linear conversation has been completely abandoned, is then suddenly reminded that he knows something really shocking about what goes on at Planned Parenthood. He says he can't prove it for sure, but just the other week he interviewed "a former Satanist" who admitted he'd "performed 164 Satanic rituals inside of abortion clinics..."

Lori Bakker knows all about this, because of course she has direct hallucinatory evidence of it:

Oh, yeah, oh, Rick, absolutely! I can’t prove it because I wasn’t there. For many years, I had a post-abortion ministry ... We bring in the women to heal from the pain and the torment and the torture of them going through the abortion ... I will tell you, especially on Halloween, that many, many ,many, many Satanic rituals -- abortion rituals -- are performed. It’s the truth.

I have had the women sit as close as Jim is to me, as you are to me, crying, screaming from their innermost being because they were in those Satanic rituals where their babies were aborted.

Sheesh. And Congress is wasting its time investigating whether Planned Parenthood sold some baby parts down at the Organ Grab-n-Go? Why aren't they looking into all these Satanic Rituals at Planned Parenthood? Wiles continued with the results of his investigation with the reformed Satanist, who must have been having a fine old time spinning stories for the good pastor:

He told me that sacrificing a human life (Lori: "Yes!") is the greatest thing that they can do for Lucifer (Lori: "That's right!"), but because it's illegal, murder is illegal (Lori: "Mm-hmm"), they have to find a way (Lori: "That's right!") to have a sacrifice (Lori: "There it is!") of a human. And so because America has legalized abortion, therefore, they're doing these human sacrifices in an abortion clinic because it gives them a legal covering (Lori: "That's right!"). I don't think we have any idea how deeply embedded Luciferian devil-worshippers are in our society. (Lori: "Oh, yes, I believe it, too!")

Jim Bakker, ready for his Big Moment, sums up what's going on with all this abortion and evolution and Satanic abortions:

The anti-Christ spirit is loose. You know, I believe the first horse of the apocalypse is the Satanic -- the white horse, this apocalyptic being is the spirit of anti-Christ. And it is riding, this spirit is here.

You know, Satan has always wanted to be God (Lori: "right!"). And he cannot create, so he wants to kill (Lori: "That's right!") God’s creations (Lori: "Yes!").

The only white horse available for comment resented Bakker's accusation, and thought him quite churlish and unmannerly.

Then again, she's probably had like twenty abortions, the whore.


Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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