Excuse Us While We F*ck This Dolphin: Your Florida Roundup
We have finally (already?) reached Peak Florida Man. Peak Florida Man, as it turns out, is a 63-year-old named Malcolm Brenner who is the subject of a new documentary examining his year-long love affair with a dolphin back in the ’70s.
And before you call him an interspecies-raping sicko, you should know, you presumptuous fuck, that Dolly started it, all batting her eyes and getting sweet on him, and what was he supposed to do?
A man who had sex with a performing dolphin at an amusement park in the 1970s has claimed the encounter took place because the animal seduced him. Malcolm Brenner, 63, claims that he fell for Dolly, a bottlenose dolphin who lived at the now-defunct Floridaland theme park in Sarasota, after her amorous advances. Brenner told the story of their year-long affair relationship again in Dolphin Love, a new film which premiered last week at the Slamdance Film Festival in Park City, Utah.
We cannot possibly top that and so we give up. OK, we do not really give up because we need the money. And also, this week, as with every week, Florida has not disappointed.
Florida Woman Discovers One Neat Trick to Defeat Ebola
State Sen. Geraldine Thompson is Very Concerned about Ebola, you guys. She represents Orlando, see, and lots of tourists come from Africa, where there is lots of Ebola. And you know how Ebola is spread? Through bodily fluids. And you know how bodily fluids spread? The scourge of panty-on-vagina contact, which must be eradicated once and for all.
A proposed Florida law against trying on intimate apparel is designed to prevent the spread of Ebola, its sponsor, state Sen. Geraldine Thompson, said today. […] Under the bill, stores would be prohibited from allowing customers to try on bathing-suit bottoms, underpants and similar lingerie without keeping their own underwear on or using a disposable shield.
Now, on principle, we do not like to stick our unfiltered junk in undergarments that we have not properly washed and disinfected, because gross. But we never did consider this as an Ebola preventative -- which, come to think of it, must explain how we’ve been able to escape the great plague. The Florida Legislature will consider Thompson’s bill after consulting with Ayn Rand’s ghost.
More News From Our Very S-M-R-T Legislature
Florida, a state renowned for its kind-hearted, beneficent population, can sometimes still be a little less than wonderful to its minority populations. For example, we present State Rep. Frank Artiles of Miami, who has decided that he does not want any former woman in the bathroom with him when he’s trying to take a doody, that would be weird.
A Republican state legislator in Florida has introduced a bill that would prohibit transgender people from using facilities that correspond to their gender identities, legislation rooted in thoroughly debunked fears that allowing trans people access to such accommodations would lead to sexual assault and violations of privacy. The bill […] purports to “secure privacy and safety for all individuals using single-sex public facilities” such as restrooms, locker rooms, and fitting rooms. Positing that such spaces are vulnerable to such crimes as assault, battery, and rape, the legislation requires people to use only facilities that match their assigned sex at birth. That means even post-operative trans people — those who have undergone full sex change operations — would be forced to use facilities that aren’t in accordance with their gender identities.
Snitches Get Stitches, Kid
In Florida, we start our narcs out young.
Deputies say an 11-month-old boy pulled a baggie full of cocaine from inside the shirt of a woman during a traffic stop near Daytona Beach. Volusia County Sheriff’s deputies stopped a car Sunday for traffic violations. The Daytona Beach News-Journal reports a K-9 unit arrived to check the car and deputies asked the occupants to step outside with the baby. No drugs were found inside the car, but as the deputy handed a driver’s license to Candyce Harden, the baby reached inside her shirt and pulled out the baggie.
It’s unclear who the baby belongs to.
We’re going with “ward of the state.”
This Week In Headlines!
Let’s begin in South Florida, with a criminal mastermind:
A West Palm Beach man who listed his occupation on an arrest report as “drug dealer” was arrested Tuesday and faces a host of charges, many of them involving drugs.
He gets time off for honesty, right?
The men said they went to a bonfire party the night before, then went on an illegal, out-of-season 3 a.m. joy ride and deer hunt. Then, they all passed out. When they woke up deputies found pot in their car and more than one reason to send two of the men to jail.
"I guess it would have possibly made sense," said Diggs. "I personally still would have never thought my girlfriend's MINI Coop would have been the coolest thing to shoot some deer in."
Kimberly Daniels is an elected official seeking reelection. She is also a religious nutcase who writes books about demons. Here, the twain met. She paid a local religious mag $4,000 out of her campaign account for advertorial space — which didn’t carry any political-ad disclaimers — in which she “thanks every ‘Commander of the Morning’ who has helped the book ‘find favor’ with Walmart's distribution arm, asking that every ‘Commander’ order ‘1-5 Demon Dictionaries to plant a seed in someone's life,’ as she needs help to ‘penetrate the marketplace for Jesus.’”
Best part: In Florida, this is all apparently entirely legal.
Good Day, Orlando:
Sexting and Dildos and Congressmen, Oh My!
Once upon a time, Florida’s aforementioned brilliant legislative body tried to do something that wasn’t entirely terrible and awful. Naturally, they fucked it up six ways to Sunday. See, back in the day in Florida, teens sending hawt neekid pics to each other was Child Porn, and Child Porn is a very serious crime that will land you on the sex offender list and ruin your life and that is not good. So they changed the law to make first-time teenage sexting — not the second time, and definitely not the third time, because you should have learned, sinners — a civil infraction. Cool, fine. Except — and this is where Florida comes in — they kinda sorta forgot to “give any court jurisdiction over civil infractions involving juveniles.” And since there’s no court to punish the first offense, offenses two and three (a misdemeanor and felony, respectively,) don’t count either. Which means SEXT AWAY, YOU HORNY KIDS!
And finally, our man (in Congress) Alcee Hastings, whom we kinda like even though he is one of only eight federal officials in American history to be impeached and removed from office -- he was a federal judge who allegedly accepted a $150,000 bribe back in the ’80s -- which in most places would hinder future public service, but not Florida. Why do we love Alcee? Because the man spits the truth about those sons of bitches in Texas.
As Yr Wonkette explained a few days ago:
It started earlier this week during a hearing on the Affordable Care Act, when Florida Rep. Alcee Hastings said Texas is “a crazy state,” and Texas Rep. Michael Burgess was all, “Nuh uh, shut up, you better say you’re sorry, and I’m gonna sit here and wait until you do,” and Hastings was all, “Hell no, I will not apologize because Texas IS crazy, and also your mom!” Then Hastings said — and this is an actual quote, people! — “You will wait until hell freezes over.” Ooooh, burn!
So then Alcee goes on CNN and starts talking about dildos.
“One of their cities has a law that says that women can only have six dildos, and the certain size of things,” Rep. Alcee Hastings (D-Fla.) told CNN. “And if that ain’t crazy I don’t know what is.”
First of all, when you live in Florida, you only have a handful of states you legitimately call crazy. Mississippi, sure. Alabama, sometimes. West Virginia’s good for an inbreeding joke. Arizona is a hot, awful mess of paranoia and Sheriff What’s His Name. And then there’s Texas. Fuck Texas.
But maybe the dildo thing was a bad example, considering that just a few years ago it was perfectly legal in Florida to tenderly romance a goat or a horse or a dog or a dolphin (unless the court could prove that the animal didn’t enjoy it — seriously, this was the criterion — and of course the animal enjoyed it, right?
And then we finally banned bestiality, but maybe sorta made all sex illegal in the process, because lawmakers forgot that humans are in fact animals because biology, who needs that shit?
Well, that’s it for this week, Florida. Keep fucking that dolph … wait, that’s just a little too real.