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Laura Ingraham Demands Gucci Keep Making Racist Sweaters To Own The Libs

Post-Racial America

People of color who are neither a Diamond nor a Silk realize that Laura Ingraham is never on our side. Still, it was really something to see the Fox News host defend minstrel fashion on her white power hour last night. Here's what inspired her latest racist tirade, besides "anything to avoid talking about Jeff Bezos's sextortion": Italian designer Gucci announced Wednesday that it would stop selling a sweater that is simultaneously racist and hideous.

Seriously, yikes...Gucci

The Balaclava knit top black jumper was previously available for the absurd retail price of $890. Was it made from black people? We're not even sure what we're seeing. Is this a white woman with a racist sweater or a racist Sambo stereotype wearing a realistic-looking white woman mask? It's like the creepy optical illusion that's either a young woman or a crone depending on how drunk you are when you look at it.

Balaclavas are a legitimate form of cloth headgear, but they normally cover more of the wearer's face, like a ski mask. They also don't tend to feature large red lips for the full Al Jolson effect. Fashion is tricky. You can set out with the purest intentions of designing the ugliest sweater imaginable and end up with something hella racist. However, Gucci has human beings on staff who don't enjoy offending people, so the company quickly apologized.


Gucci hopes this incident can prove a "powerful learning moment." We hope the lesson is "no more ugly sweaters or racist sweaters or sweaters that are both ugly and racist at the same time." Gucci's show of humility and remorse greatly offended Ingraham, who believes no one white should ever apologize to anyone black for any reason. What is it like working for Ingraham, we wonder? Do you spend your day scanning the news for stories of minorities winning fairly minor battles over blackface apparel?

Ingraham, capitalist crusader that she is, can't hang with the free market if it's influenced in any way by cultural sensitivity. If New Coke had been racist somehow and not just terrible, Ingraham would've demanded that Coca-Cola never bring back its original formula. She'd drink overly sweet fake Pepsi forever to own the libs.

RACIST TV HOST: We as Americans, we also have to be careful not to rush in to condemn people, or frankly businesses, because of uncorroborated allegations or decades old conduct or just disagreement about fashion.

Whatever, lady. Companies pull products when they flop with the public. McDonald's is still apologizing for McSpaghetti. That's the invisible hand. It really bothers Ingraham that racism is no longer commercial. She likes to attack so-called "PC Puritans" for raining on her racist parade. Yet, Puritans weren't really known for their "political correctness." Sure, they were unforgiving and narrow-minded but not in the "trigger warning campus left" sense conservatives believe is ruining the country. They were religious bigots, much like Ingraham herself. If she wants to remount The Crucible, she'd have to cast herself as Ann Putnam.

Puritanism, McCarthyism, Jim Crow, even slavery are all things that conservatives have historically promoted. They will concede that's all very bad now (slow clap for conservatives!), but they prefer to revise history so liberals were responsible rather than grow and change themselves.

Ingraham is so dedicated to her racist cause she even sided with liberal foe Joy Behar. The View co-host admitted back in 2016 to having attended a Halloween party as a "beautiful African woman." She obviously shouldn't have have done this because "generic African woman" is not a costume. She confessed to using makeup "a little bit darker than [her] skin," but not shoe polish because she's not a crazy person. Ingraham advised conservatives to step off Behar.

Wait, didn't Fox News take a bold stand against fairness just this week? We guess Ingraham's fairness doctrine is different. It seems based in the ancient proverb "the enemy of my enemy is my friend." Or put more simply: Ingraham just loves racist shit. It doesn't matter if you're liberal or conservative, American or namby pamby Italian designer, everyone's welcome to her blackface block party.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.

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