Given that our current "president" is the healthiest individual ever elected to the office (but don’t take his doctor’s word, take his own instead), he is surely qualified to pick a solid group to participate in the President’s Council on Sports, Fitness, and Nutrition. He announced his picks last week and for the most part it’s as big a car wreck as you might expect.
Here are the picks:
Co-Chairs
Mariano Rivera: Ex-Yankee. Baseball is not a sport. Please don’t argue with me in the comments. You are wrong if you think baseball is a sport. Fernando Valenzuela. Your argument is irrelevant.
Misty May-Treanor: Retired volleyball star. Actual athlete. Such sport. Wow.
Herschel Junior Walker: Bobsledder, martial artist, and oh, I hear he played football. In his prime, one of his thighs had the circumference of one Trump ass-cheek. Athlete number two. Looking good so far! What could go wrong from here?
Members
Brenda Larsen Becker: Government affairs VP at Boston Scientific (NOT a code word for lobbyist. Nope), which makes stents and shit, which Trump’s perfect cardiovascular system will never, ever need because genetics.
William Belichick: I think this guy is an economist because everyone tells me he’s an expert in inflation. Expert in INFLATION. Hello? Hi, is this thing on?
Johnny David Damon: Another baseball player, yawn.
Trevor Joseph Drinkwater: No idea on this fucker. He might be the CEO of Arc Entertainment, some DVD distributor company whose website gives a 404 error. I’m guessing he gave to the Trump campaign? Well, if he drinks a lot of water as his name implies, he’s already healthier than the prez whose council (proper use of the word @RealDonaldTrump!) he sits on.
Louis Ferrigno: We have a HULK!
Robert Goldman: Oh. My. Gah. PLEASE read his full bio website, because it starts like this: “Dr. Goldman is a 6th degree Black Belt in Karate, Chinese weapons expert, and world champion athlete with over 20 world strength records and has been listed in the Guinness Book of World Records. Some of his past performance records include 13,500 consecutive straight leg situps and 321 consecutive handstand pushups.” Chuck Norris just got a boner.
Nan A.S. Hayworth: Head of ConservAmerica, an honest to goodness environmental nonprofit that is Republican-founded but believes in global warming. As soon as the Angry Orange finds out, she’s gone, bitches!
Matthew Hesse: Sells fake pills, because, of course we need a capsule that “features a patented time-release technology combined with tiny multivitamin beadlets with nutrient-rich fish oils.” He named this brand “Orb” because “snake oil” wasn’t available.
Ashlee Lundvall: A disabled hunter who loves the outdoors and is a voice for disabled outdoors enthusiasts. Oh, and she also kills zebras.
Jacob Olson: I couldn’t figure out who this guy is. He might be a Harvard hockey player. He might be a University of South Carolina baseball player. I DON’T KNOW!! If you find out, gentle reader, please tell me.
Mehmet Oz: Not the wizard, but definitely shares the charlatan aspect. Of all the people on the list, THIS hijo de puta is the worst offender. He’s let anti-vaxxers on his show to tell their “side.” Forbes listed his five most fucked up beliefs in 2013. Holy mountain of el Topo sangre but it’s a boatload of crazeee. I’ll let you enjoy the article but will spoil #3. If you have 200 orgasms per year, you’ll live six years longer. I guess all the INCEL onanists should live forever, if doing it alone counts. I mean, science, right?
Natalie Gulbis Rodarmel: Fucking golfer, yeah, real expert on “sports” here. Why don’t we add a darts player and pub trivia champion while we’re at it?
Shauna L. Rohbock: Bobsledder. Shit, buey, when we go tubing in the winter we don’t claim to be doing a sport. Law of gravity. That’s it.
Kyle Frederick Snyder: Recent Ohio State grad and wrestler, so okay an athlete. We have THREE, pendejos.
Stephen Soloway: Rheumatologist and arthritis specialist. Oh, a real doctor! Oh and also a fundraiser during the campaign! I’m sure that wasn’t at all the reason. No sir, not at all.
Julie Teer: Head of the Boys and Girls Clubs of America. Seems like a decent person. Actual good pick! Insert stopped clock saying.
Chris Tisi: Slimfast CEO. Dude, seriously? I’m sure it’s only a coincidence that Slimfast is based in Palm Beach just like the winter/southern/fake White House?
Robert Charles Wilkins: Okay, the press release reads that he’s from New Jersey but the only one I found was an estate lawyer that practices in…
…wait for it…
…think about it…
…yep.
FLORIDA! Know anyone who hangs out in Florida a lot and goes through lawyers like Wonkette goes through F-bombs?
So, yeah. An estate lawyer must be an expert in healthy shit.
Samuel James Worthington, Jr.: Owner of a health club in Pennsylvania that did a rally for El Trumpo and lost a bunch of members because of it.
Linda Yaccarino: An NBC executive, but she calls herself a “hockey and gymnastics mom”, so again, expert.
Let’s do the math, shall we? Three actual athletes. One possible decent person. A bunch of people who helped on the campaign or are otherwise Trump supporters. Black is white. Up is down.
I think I'll go for a run to... who am I kidding? Leftover Cinco de Mayo Don Julio tequila it is.
