FBI Director Said 'Jihad,' Everybody Wet Your Pants!

Not that anyone was waiting for further details before screaming OHHH GAWD MUSLIMS, but here it is, your moment of zen:

In an appearance on Capitol Hill, the F.B.I.director, James B. Comey, said Wednesday that the couple, who met online, had been talking of an attack as far back as two years ago.

They were “talking to each other about jihad and martyrdom before they became engaged and married and were living in the U.S.,” Mr. Comey said.

Mr. Comey said that the “investigation to date shows that they were radicalized before they started courting or dating each other online.”

See? Fox News was right! Donald Trump was right! Your crazy uncle was right! ISIS is here, we must shut down the borders, round up all the Islamicans, put them in Japanese internment camps, send Nevada Assemblytwit Michele Fiore and her glorious bazongas to Paris to shoot 'em all in their "nocular cavities" and -- oh, hang on:

Mr. Comey said that the F.B.I. still believes that the couple were inspired by foreign extremist groups. “We are working very hard to see if anyone else was involved in assisting, equipping or helping them,” he said. “And did they have other plans?”

But the bureau has not found evidence that the couple were ordered to attack by the Islamic State or any other group.

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At this point, federal authorities can confirm that Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik spent time fapping to death to american infidels dot tumblr dot com and said to each other, "Aw, honey, that looks like fun, huh?" But to date, there's no evidence that the president of ISIS called 'em up on the Obamaphone and said, "Death to American infidels, on a count of three." The feds don't know yet why the two suspects murdered 14 people in a terrorist attack in San Bernardino, California, last week or whether they were "radicalized" by their own industrious interweb searching or by Obama bin Laden Hussein Muhammad, or maybe by listening to Mike Huckabee talk about abortion. Haha, just kidding, like pro-life terrorism is even a thing.

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Sorry, kids, but if facts and details matter to you, you'll have to be patient a while longer while the grown-ups figure out what the fuck. Or not. Because waiting to understand what happened before joining the mass hysteria and concluding that all Muslims are card-carrying members of ISIS would make you such a total pussy, wouldn't it?



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