FBI Finally Calls It Terrorism, Fox News Needs New Shorts

Here are the people with the answers

For viewers at home who were hoping, for some sick reason we cannot fathom, the deadly shooting Wednesday in San Bernardino, California, by now-dead suspects Syed Farook and Tashfeen Malik, was a terrorist attack -- instead of simply another one of those random regular weekly mass shootings in America about which we can do absolutely nothing but offer thoughts and prayers -- congratulations. Your thoughts and prayers have been answered, you sick bastards.

During a joint press conference of local and federal law enforcement Friday morning, the FBI’s Los Angeles Assistant Director in Charge David Bowdich stated:

As of today, based on the information and the facts as we know them, we are now investigating these horrific acts as an act of terrorism. We have uncovered evidence that led us to learn of extensive planning, obviously we've uncovered evidence of explosives, multiple armaments, you know that, you know the ammunition that was out there, the high-powered weapons, the explosive devices. We are continuing to go down the path to ensure that we find all of the evidence that pertains to this matter.

HOWEVER. Before we shut down all the mosques, round up all the Muslims, deport all the Syrian refugees, profile anyone with a "weird" name, declare a holy war, or any of the other completely reasonable suggestions Supposedly Serious People have made, there are a few things the FBI would like us to note:

  • Bowdich asked the public to contact the FBI through its national hotline -- the number is 1-800-CALL FBI, option 4 -- if anyone has "any information that pertains to this." He also requested that people not send information that is clearly unhelpful. So no jamming the FBI's voicemail to read aloud your crazy wingnut uncle's forwarded email from Alex Jones that's it's all a FALSE FLAG, thanks Obama. Got it?
  • Bowdich said authorities "uncovered evidence that these subjects attempted to destroy their digital fingerprints. For example, we found two cell phones in a nearby trashcan." However, Bowdich gave no further details about the suspects' digital fingerprints or what was uncovered on those cell phones.
  • Asked about the widely reported story, attributed to anonymous "law enforcement" officials, that Tashfeen Malik had pledged allegiance to ISIS in a Facebook posting, under another name, Bowdich said only that he is aware of those rumors, but added, "We don't know what's there yet." To date, law enforcement has not provided any aliases for either of the suspects.
  • Bowdich also confirmed that some of the suspects' guns were purchased by a third party, and the FBI has identified that person and is investigating; however, that person "is not under arrest at this point."
  • Bowdich said that neither of the suspects had been under federal investigation prior to Wednesday's incident. However, the FBI has discovered "telephonic connections between at least one of these individuals and other subjects" under investigation.
  • Bowdich said that no other suspects are currently under arrest. He added, "We are not aware of any further threats in the U.S. at this time."
  • Bowdich was asked repeatedly whether this act of terror was connected to, or at least inspired by, ISIS. (Say ISIS! Please say ISIS! If only we can say ISIS, then ... something!) Bowdich said only that the FBI does not have an answer to that at this point.
  • For the record, neither Bowdich nor any other law enforcement official present, said "Muslim" or "Islam" or "Islamic" or "Jihad" or "RADICAL ISLAMIC MUSLIMY JIHAD TERRORISM HOLY WAR."

Bowdich concluded his remarks with this adorably naive admonition:

Do not let this cause mass hysteria. We're not there. We're not there at all.

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But of course the panic started on Wednesday, as we've watched the media feverishly (and often inaccurately) report on how obviously MUSLIM TERRORIST GAHHH THEY'RE HERE, THEY'RE GONNA KILL US ALL! this incident was. So while we know only at this point that the FBI considers it an act of terrorism, we still do not know the motive or ideology behind it.

But come on, we really do, don't we? Sure, the professionals might want to take their time collecting the facts before, but that's no reason we can't start plotting our Holy War on all the Muslims and their Terrorist Rice right now. Everyone on the internet and the cable TV says so.

Earlier updates on San Bernardino shootings:


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