FBI Finds More Hillary Clinton Emails, Oh Jesus, Kill Us Now

Maybe she can testify for ELEVEN HOURS about it.

BREAKING ACHTUNG DRUDGE SIRENS SCANDAL-GHAZI BOY HOWDY! The FBI found some more Hillary Clinton emails while they were investigatin' something else, which means now the FBI, even though its last very extensive investigation found no reason to bring criminal charges against Princess Email-Face, will investigate Hillary Clinton some more. October surprise from James Comey? BOO!

Transcription, because we're service-y:

Dear Messrs Chairmen:

In previous congressional testimony, I referred to the fact that the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) had completed its investigation of former Secretary Clinton's personal email server. Due to recent developments, I am writing to supplement my previous testimony.

In connection with an unrelated case, the FBI has learned of the existence of emails that appear to be pertinent to the investigation. I am writing to inform you that the investigative team briefed me on this yesterday, and I agreed that the FBI should take appropriate investigative steps designed to allow investigators to review these emails to determine whether they contain classified information, as well as to assess their importance to our investigation.

Although the FBI cannot yet assess whether or not this material may be significant, and I cannot predict how long it will take us to complete this additional work, I believe it is important to update your Committees about our efforts in light of my previous testimony.

So, what does that letter actually SAY? Not very much! The FBI doesn't know if these emails are relevant or not, and they don't know how long it will take to figure that out, but they're just letting Congress know they found some stuff and they are going to look at it. Also for the record, all the headlines are saying "FBI RE-OPENING INVESTIGATION INTO HILLARY'S EMAILS!" but it should be noted that the FBI isn't actually using that language.

Regardless, Matthew Miller, a former Justice Department spokesperson, is pissed at Comey:

Despite how the FBI hardly said anything, that's no reason for wingnuts not to party like it's 1999, is it? HECK NO! Donald Trump just broke the news to his followers at a rally in New Hampshire, and they went APESHIT and started making love to their sisters, as if they had just won Powerball.

Donald Trump's "campaign manager" Kellyanne Conway was very 'scited too:

She added, "That is superb. That is extraordinary news for the American people." Yeah, Kellyanne, because we Americans just fucking LOVE wasting our time on this shit. Maybe they'll finally find THE SMOKING GUN!!!

Speaker Paul Ryan popped a bottle of champagne and briefly forgot what an ineffective loser he is when he heard the news:

And finally, in response to this letter, Congressdorks Jason Chaffetz and Trey Gowdy immediately started jerking each other off with such gleeful abandon, they literally started spinning around so fast that they turned into an F5 grade jerkoff-nado, which is currently doing untold damage to the storied halls of Congress.

So yay for America, it was good while it lasted, THE END FOREVER.

[h/t Chris Geidner on Twitter]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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