FBI Will Declassify Shit For Trump When/If It Feels Like Declassifying Shit For Trump

Quick update for you on Donald Trump's order for the FBI/DOJ to declassify a bunch of documents that he and his pigheaded supporters think will 100% exonerate him of all wrongdoing in the Russia investigation, but in REALITY will do no such thing. As we noted yesterday, Trump wants to SELECTIVELY declassify documents related to stupidest Russian intelligence asset ever Carter Page and the FISA warrants the FBI has been pulling on him since approximately the Eisenhower administration, on account of he's an obvious Russian intelligence asset (who is dumb). Thing is, the FBI already declassified a bunch of that stuff and released it to the public, with heavy redactions it determined were appropriate in order to protect state secrets and sources and methods in an ONGOING INVESTIGATION.

Trump also wants a bunch of text messages and FBI interviews declassified, from people who are on his enemies list, i.e. all the people who scare him and make his Mario Kart dick shrivel up and go hide in his Yeti pubes every night.

We suggested in our post yesterday that the FBI might take this order and put it at the bottom of the pile, choose to ignore it, or otherwise say, "OK, you bet, Mister President! Here we go, declassifying state secrets because you're having a tantrum! Yep, we're doin' it right now, SO HARD! Oh yeah, you know we love it when you abuse your power!" Turns out our #jokes weren't entirely wrong. In our post yesterday, we noted that a DOJ spokesperson had told Politico that Trump's order was "solely setting in motion a process and not ordering the immediate declassification of anything." Now we have reporting from Bloomberg that sheds more light on that.

First of all, there will still be redactions, as the agencies work with the White House to decide what can be released. No word on whether they will be the exact same redactions and everybody has agreed that "shhhhh, don't tell President RageStupid that this is the exact thing we released a few months back." Also, they're not in a real big hurry:

The Justice Department, FBI and Office of the Director of National Intelligence are going through a methodical review and can't offer a timeline for finishing, said the people, who weren't authorized to speak publicly about the sensitive matter.

But Trump and his paste-eating dipshits in the House of Representatives said "IMMEDIATELY!" What part of "the baby is having a tantrum" does the FBI not understand? If Donald Trump had an attorney general, maybe this would be better, but he apparently never hired one, according to a new interview, and gosh darnit, this is just not going as planned!

Bloomberg reports that the FBI and DOJ are working on crossing things out with their giant Sharpie pens, and they will send it back to the White House, so the president can "read" them and decide if he approves. Maybe he is an idiot and will think they followed his orders, maybe he won't. Maybe he'll just unilaterally declassify everything and half the FBI and the DOJ will have to resign in protest. SHRUGGIE EMOJI, WHO EVEN KNOWS.

Meanwhile, Rep. Adam Schiff, ranking member of the House Intelligence Committee, sent Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein and FBI Director Christopher Wray a letter urging them to please kindly tell the so-called president of the United States to fuck off at his earliest convenience. The letter was co-signed by the rest of the Democrats in the Gang of Eight (that's the leadership of the House and the Senate, plus the leadership of the intel communities, so Pelosi, Schumer and Burr).

"Any decision by your offices to share this material with the president or his lawyers will violate long-standing Department of Justice policies, as well as assurances you have provided to us," they wrote, asking for an immediate briefing to explain how the agencies intended to comply.

Schiff has said that this order from Trump "crosses a red line," and quite frankly, it does, considering how it's a naked attempt by the president to interfere with an ONGOING INVESTIGATION into himself.

For an Alternative Facts viewpoint on this, check out Fox News's Gregg Jarrett, who looks like the love child of Newt Gingrich and a plate of stinky expired ham, and who argues that if FBI/DOJ ends up slow-rolling the release of the PRECIOUS Trump has demanded, that obviously means Rod Rosenstein is scared that the declassification process will expose him as the criminal he is, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah BENGHAZI!!!!!11!!!!!!1

Just kidding, we don't know what Gregg Jarrett wrote, as we didn't feel like reading his dumb shit. We just wanted to make fun of his face.

[Bloomberg / Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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