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Quick update for you on Donald Trump's order for the FBI/DOJ to declassify a bunch of documents that he and his pigheaded supporters think will 100% exonerate him of all wrongdoing in the Russia investigation, but in REALITY will do no such thing. As we noted yesterday, Trump wants to SELECTIVELY declassify documents related to stupidest Russian intelligence asset ever Carter Page and the FISA warrants the FBI has been pulling on him since approximately the Eisenhower administration, on account of he's an obvious Russian intelligence asset (who is dumb). Thing is, the FBI already declassified a bunch of that stuff and released it to the public, with heavy redactions it determined were appropriate in order to protect state secrets and sources and methods in an ONGOING INVESTIGATION.

Trump also wants a bunch of text messages and FBI interviews declassified, from people who are on his enemies list, i.e. all the people who scare him and make his Mario Kart dick shrivel up and go hide in his Yeti pubes every night.

We suggested in our post yesterday that the FBI might take this order and put it at the bottom of the pile, choose to ignore it, or otherwise say, "OK, you bet, Mister President! Here we go, declassifying state secrets because you're having a tantrum! Yep, we're doin' it right now, SO HARD! Oh yeah, you know we love it when you abuse your power!" Turns out our #jokes weren't entirely wrong. In our post yesterday, we noted that a DOJ spokesperson had told Politico that Trump's order was "solely setting in motion a process and not ordering the immediate declassification of anything." Now we have reporting from Bloomberg that sheds more light on that.


First of all, there will still be redactions, as the agencies work with the White House to decide what can be released. No word on whether they will be the exact same redactions and everybody has agreed that "shhhhh, don't tell President RageStupid that this is the exact thing we released a few months back." Also, they're not in a real big hurry:

The Justice Department, FBI and Office of the Director of National Intelligence are going through a methodical review and can't offer a timeline for finishing, said the people, who weren't authorized to speak publicly about the sensitive matter.

But Trump and his paste-eating dipshits in the House of Representatives said "IMMEDIATELY!" What part of "the baby is having a tantrum" does the FBI not understand? If Donald Trump had an attorney general, maybe this would be better, but he apparently never hired one, according to a new interview, and gosh darnit, this is just not going as planned!

Bloomberg reports that the FBI and DOJ are working on crossing things out with their giant Sharpie pens, and they will send it back to the White House, so the president can "read" them and decide if he approves. Maybe he is an idiot and will think they followed his orders, maybe he won't. Maybe he'll just unilaterally declassify everything and half the FBI and the DOJ will have to resign in protest. SHRUGGIE EMOJI, WHO EVEN KNOWS.

Meanwhile, Rep. Adam Schiff, ranking member of the House Intelligence Committee, sent Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein and FBI Director Christopher Wray a letter urging them to please kindly tell the so-called president of the United States to fuck off at his earliest convenience. The letter was co-signed by the rest of the Democrats in the Gang of Eight (that's the leadership of the House and the Senate, plus the leadership of the intel communities, so Pelosi, Schumer and Burr).

"Any decision by your offices to share this material with the president or his lawyers will violate long-standing Department of Justice policies, as well as assurances you have provided to us," they wrote, asking for an immediate briefing to explain how the agencies intended to comply.

Schiff has said that this order from Trump "crosses a red line," and quite frankly, it does, considering how it's a naked attempt by the president to interfere with an ONGOING INVESTIGATION into himself.

For an Alternative Facts viewpoint on this, check out Fox News's Gregg Jarrett, who looks like the love child of Newt Gingrich and a plate of stinky expired ham, and who argues that if FBI/DOJ ends up slow-rolling the release of the PRECIOUS Trump has demanded, that obviously means Rod Rosenstein is scared that the declassification process will expose him as the criminal he is, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah BENGHAZI!!!!!11!!!!!!1

Just kidding, we don't know what Gregg Jarrett wrote, as we didn't feel like reading his dumb shit. We just wanted to make fun of his face.

[Bloomberg / Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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Guys, it's been one more shit day in a shit week in the fifth shit month of another shit Trump year. Which is why I need to remind you that it's not ALL shit out there! Oh, sure, it's MOSTLY shit, but you know what isn't shit? YR WONKETTE, and the strange community of strange internet people who have made getting through all this shit a bit more tolerable, that's who and what. Which is why you should give us money, so we can keep whanging away at the walls of shit with our shovels and laughing at the shit getting all over, because one of these days we will get it all cleaned up or at least not be up to our waists in shit, and we can all laugh about what a crazy fight it was, as St. Molly Ivins always kept reminding us.

In case you're new here, let me just remind you that Wonkette literally got me, Yr Dok Zoom, out of what wasn't quite poverty, but was pretty much paycheck-to-paycheck desperation. I started reading the site shortly before Barack Obama was elected, began commenting sometime in his first term, and submitted a story tip to Rebecca a few months after she bought the site for 47 dollars and a sandwich (I now understand it was a bit more than that). It was Memorial Day 2012, and she wrote back she was busy with some "stupid thing I have to do for some muneez," but would I like to try writing a blog post myself? "I understand if you say FUCK NO. But maybe you are thinking FUCK YES?" And then she warned me she paid only in Ameros. I did, the post was forgettable but OK, and then I wrote a thing (borrowed from now long-lost comments) that went semi-viral, and suddenly I was that hottest thing in publishing, a freelancer!

In less than a year, Rebecca asked you all to buy me to be your very own pet blogger, and my life suddenly became incredibly good, like as good as an Abba song. It's as good as "Dancing Queen." Thanks to the timing of the whole thing (and to Barry Obama and Nancy Pelosi), I actually had health insurance for the first time in years, a not inconsiderable thing. And you had an Editrix who was not working 12 hour days six and a half days a week and drinking too much from stress. Your continued donations helped hire Evan full time and Robyn and Bianca part time and a whole raft of freelancers, and now Rebecca is down to eight-hour days, five and a half days a week, and drinking because there's a madman in the White House and everything's terrible.

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There is a very normal article circulating on the internet right now by a fella named Don Boys (that's not the joke, the jokes are coming), who is both an insane batshit preacher, and also an insane batshit former member of the Indiana House of Representatives. (Also sometimes he blogs at the Daily Caller about how Mike Pence really went balls deep into the gay agenda when he swore in that insane batshit gay guy Rick Grenell as America's ambassador to Germany.)

This article, of course, is about Pete Buttigieg, because what are anti-gay buffoons obsessed with right now? Pete Buttigieg. Boys (still his name) is primarily concerned not with the simple fact that Buttigieg is gay, but with how gay Buttigieg really is. IN THE SEX WAY!

Well, Don, since you asked!

Shall we dive into this thing without the proper prophylactics? We shall.

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