FCC Approves Obama's Secret Plan To Keep Internet Pretty Much The Same
The Federal Communications Commission voted to uphold Net Neutrality today, guaranteeing either that Internet Service Providers can't charge content providers different rates to transmit their data, or possibly that Freedom is Dead Forever, again. House Speaker John Boehner didn't exaggerate the seriousness of the vote a single bit:
By our count, that's a full 57.8 KB of exaggeration, at least in JPEG format. It's such a secret plan that it's only been debated for years, and is hidden in plain sight under Title II of the Telecommunications Act. The incredible power grab will mostly have the effect of keeping the internet free and open to all, no matter how much wingnuts believe it's a secret plot to give the government the power to shut down Breitbart.com and Free Republic. Even so, Ted Cruz, speaking at CPAC, mourned the End Of Freedom today, although he didn't yet seem aware that the deed was done and the FCC had actually stolen Your Internet.
Washington wants power over the internet. The people want freedom online. And don’t believe President Obama when he says if you like your internet, you can keep your internet.
It's actually true -- in the Wonkette Sekrit Chatcave, Gary was cursing out Starbucks' slow feed of the CPAC livestream, which occurred just as Cruz took the stage. Coincidence, or Obama already seizing control of the tubes? We are just asking questions.
Here, enjoy a Children's Treasury of Wonkette stories about Net Neutrality...while you still can! To start with, hows about we look once more at the John Oliver story that can probably be credited with jump-starting the renewed push for Net Neutrality in the first place?
But wait, there's more!
- Barack Obama To Imprison All Cat Videos In FEMA Camps
- Ted Cruz Finds Exciting New Ways To Be Wrong About Net Neutrality
- Alex Jones Explains How Net Neutrality Is Hitler
- A Serious Critique Of Net Neutrality By Serious Donald Trump, Who Is Serious
It was nice knowing you, Internet. With this radical change that keeps net traffic exactly the same, we'll all face a grim future of innovation and openness. God help us all.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.