Fellow gays, we have bad news, and it is that coronavirus is our fault now. Granted, it's been our fault the whole time, because of how we are always gaying, and the Bible says that wherever two gays are found gaying, they are most likely scheming to make a hurricane or a rockslide or a coronavirus. It's kind of our thing, as we all secretly know.

Now, several scientific theologians have come forward to try to assess exactly how the gays caused coronavirus, with varying levels of accuracy. Pastor Steven Andrew of the USA Christian Church in California says March is "Repent of LGBT Sin Month," and that if we do that, we will be saved from coronavirus. A rabbi in Israel named Meir Mazuz says you know how the Ay-Rab countries don't have any coronavirus? (They do.) Well that's because they don't have any gays! (They also do.) Anyway, Mazuz says coronavirus is punishing the world for its gay pride parades, which makes us wonder what hot West Virginia Pride event we've been missing this whole time that's so badass that God decided to finally coronavirus the state.

Those are just a couple examples, but those guys can back the fuck off, because world's annoying-est Canadian wingnut and sometime-Fox News guest host Mark Steyn (that delectable hairball pictured above) guest-hosted the Rush Limbaugh show — you know, the place where they freak out about Pete Buttigieg tonguing his husband right on the mouth! — and explained what is really happening with the coronavirus lockdown in San Francisco. It is such a science-y explanation you are going to feel like you are literally married to Bill Nye The Science Guy by the end of this.

Transcript from Media Matters:

MARK STEYN (GUEST HOST): San Francisco has just ordered everyone to shelter in place, just to say, "Stay in your apartment. Don't leave your apartment unless you need to go out to a grocery store or to a pharmacy or to a doctor's." Why are they doing that? Why is San Francisco the first to do that?

Because there are over 350 confirmed cases in the Bay Area, and counting?

Nope. It's something different, says Steyn.

Because they've got all the gay guys there.


It's a big gay town, San Francisco ...

This is just true. It's required by law to gay your neighbor at least once a week, if you are a San Francisco resident. Indeed, if you own property in the city, you are considered legally gay.

... and they're the ones with all the compromised immune systems from all the protease inhibitors and all the other stuff.

Apparently Mark Steyn hasn't looked at HIV/AIDS research since the early 1990s — indeed it may still be the early 1990s in his brain — and is unaware that the entire point of HIV treatments is to prevent "compromised immune systems," which is what leads to people developing AIDS, and that doesn't happen that much anymore for people with access to treatment. That all started to change, oh, 25 fucking years ago or so. But Mark Steyn didn't hear about it, and we guess the average listener of the Rush Limbaugh program hasn't heard any actual real-life news in the past 25 fucking years or so, so ...

Anyway, Steyn's point is that none of the gays in San Francisco (which is "all the gay guys") have functioning immune systems, because obviously all the gay guys have HIV, and therefore San Francisco did a lockdown because:

And they don't want all the gays dropping dead on the San Francisco mayor's watch. So that's why they've got all that sheltering in place there.

That's got to be it.

San Francisco Mayor London Breed just can't have all the gay guys (all of them) dying of coronavirus, but let Mark Steyn tell you, that even if that did happen:

And even if it dropped, they all dropped dead on the San Francisco mayor's watch, if there was a big gay apocalypse, you know, the way this thing is going now, it would be Trump who would get blamed for it anyway.

"Big Gay Apocalypse."

We are sorry, Big Gay San Francisco, if you are bored at home watching your Big Gay Netflixes. The mayor is just trying to prevent the Big Gay Apocalypse, but if it happens, she's going to blame it on Trump, even though he is obviously blameless in all things.

Mark Steyn is a totally normal guy. As JoeMyGod notes, Steyn recently JUST ASKED QUESTIONS about whether Elizabeth Warren is even a biological woman, and he is not sure Pete Buttigieg is a real homosexual gay person either. (EVIDENCE NUMBER FIRST: Does not live in San Francisco! They have all the gay guys there! All them!)

He likes white supremacists more than he likes undocumented immigrants.

Why did the Boston Marathon bombings happen, according to Steyn? Abortion, duh.

He really really really REALLYREALLY hates "Sesame Street." No, like, for real, y'all, know what caused Benghazi? "Sesame Street."

Point is, Mark Steyn is a very smart science author and you can try to refute his conclusion that San Francisco is on lockdown as a liberal plot to prevent the Big Gay Apocalypse, but everybody would just laugh at you if you did, so probably just don't.

[Media Matters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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