At Last, Men Have Invented Pink Gloves To Protect Our Delicate Hands From Our Gross Periods
In the middle of the flanks of women lies the womb, a female viscus, closely resembling an animal; for it is moved of itself hither and thither in the flanks, also upwards in a direct line to below the cartilage of the thorax, and also obliquely to the right or to the left, either to the liver or the spleen, and it likewise is subject to prolapsus downwards, and in a word, it is altogether erratic. It delights also in fragrant smells, and advances towards them; and it has an aversion to fetid smells, and flees from them; and, on the whole, the womb is like an animal within an animal. — Aretaeus of Cappadocia, 1st century Greek physician, on the "What The Uterus Is, Probably. We Guess."
Hey ladies and other menstruating people! Are you always bleeding all over your hands when you're, you know, bleeding out of your wherever? Do you then have to walk around the rest of the day with bloody hands, probably infecting people with all kinds of ... vag-germs?
There's gotta be a better way!Giphy
Well! Finally, after thousands and thousands of years, some dudes have finally come to the rescue! In an appearance this week on Höhle der Löwen, which seems to be the German version of Shark Tank, entrepreneurs Andre Ritterswuerden and Eugen Raimkulow, two cisgender men, were thrilled to present their new invention, which they hoped just might change the way we all menstruate.
What is that, you say? Is that a pink disposable glove? You bet it is! And what is it for? To wear while you are changing a tampon or a pad, so you don't bleed gross period blood all over your hands and then get caught "red handed" as a menstruating person, because that is definitely a thing that happens on the regular.
At a menstrual cramp-inducing €11.96 [$14.30] for a pack of 48, the Pinky is a plastic glove that doubles as a disposal bag to provide a "discreet solution for pads and tampons", according to the product website.[...]
"We both really do understand women," Raimkulow said on the TV show, basing their qualifications on both being married and having lived with women in flat shares.
Occasionally, he would "dare to look in the rubbish bin", he said.
"After a while it just smells unpleasant. And you can see it, because it starts seeping through the paper."
Wow, they sure do understand us. And they definitely ran this by several women, asking, "Hey ladies, how would you like to buy pink disposable gloves that you could obviously get for much cheaper and maybe even already have in your house? But these you keep in your purse for when you have your period?" and they were like, "Wow, yes, this would be an incredibly useful product. We would have come up with it ourselves but that's way too complex for our inferior, gorilla-size brains!"
You can also tell they understand women by their Instagram, which features their product proudly displayed in front of the disembodied butts and boobs of several women. Because we do love that.
Though to be fair, they might have a hard time finding models willing to show their faces for a product like this.
I am actually quite inspired by this and have now come up with an invention of my very own. For the menfolk.
I call them "Blue-ys" and they are gloves that men can wear while they go to the bathroom, so they don't have to put their hands directly on their potentially unsanitary penises. I will sell them for the low, low price of $49.99 for a box of 100. Surely there is an incredible need and demand for this product that no one with a penis ever bothered inventing before. So it falls to me, a cisgender woman, to come up with these things.
Surely, all of the penis-havers, who were too stupid to ever come up with this very necessary product on their own — or to even, you know, just buy latex gloves if they feel they need them — will be forever grateful to me for helping them out in this way.
If Pinkys fails, and it seems like it might, Ritterswuerden and Raimkulow can always team up with that dude who helpfully explained that women don't even have to get menopause if they just eat raw food all of the time. Or perhaps the literal rocket scientists at NASA who gave Sally Ride 100 tampons for a week in space and then asked her if that was going to be "enough." Surely, if they put their minds together they can come up with something that would truly astound us all. We'd say they could also team up with everyone who helpfully warned women that if they ride bikes they will get "bicycle face," but that might be difficult as they have all been quite dead for many decades now.
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Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse