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THIS SOAP OPERA IS TOO WEIRD! NO MAS! DONALD TRUMP IS MURDERING US DEAD WITH THIS SHIT!

But we are resurrected, just like torture victim Carter Page, who is inexplicably still talking. So let's try to sort out what the hell just happened in this neverending bad trip we're all on together. Because this one is HOOBOY!

Now, you may be wondering what does Trump's idiot lawyer Michael Cohen have to do with alleged ladybeater Eric Schneiderman? And the answer should be NOTHING! But ...

This morning a lawyer named Peter Gleason requested a protective order from Judge Kimba Wood in the case pending against Michael Cohen in the Southern District of New York (SDNY). According to Gleason,

My office was contacted some years ago by two unrelated women who at two separate times (approximately 1 year apart) claimed that Mr. Scheiderman [sic] was sexually inappropriate with them.

After the first consultation with one of Scheinderman's [sic] victims I explained to her how invariably the very entities that were established to protect her would ultimately turn on her to protect the power elite that includes Scheinderman [sic].

Gleason is a colorful character who is best known for representing the "Soccer Mom Madam" Anna Gristina, for whom he put his own New York apartment up as collateral for bail. It's not totally crazy to believe that these women would have come to him with their stories of abuse by Eric Schneiderman, the powerful (then-) New York Attorney General.

This part, though, is batshit insane. Gleason "wanted these women to realize that somebody believed them," so he went to DONALD TRUMP for help.

I discussed the matter with a retired journalist by the name of Stephen Dunleavy who suggested and offered to discuss the matter with Donald Trump. Mr. Dunleavy did indeed discuss this very matter with Mr. Trump as evidenced by a phone call I received from Attorney Michael Cohen.

Peter Gleason, a practicing attorney, knows of multiple, credible allegations of assault by a prominent member of the bar. He counsels the assault victims not to report the crime, and he himself fails to report the conduct to the New York State Bar Association. Instead he seeks out a tabloid journalist who has veered off into wingnuttia in his retirement, and that guy sends him on to Donald Trump.

Did Gleason get the women's permission to divulge their confidential information to a third party? Are we being led to believe that they were too scared to go to the police, but felt totally safe telling their stories to the host of Celebrity Apprentice? There seems to be a missing sentence here. Something along the lines of, "After consulting with my clients and getting written waiver of attorney-client confidentiality ..." Must be an oversight!

Is that what this tweet was about?

According to the New York Times, YES! Yes, IT WAS!

WE HAVE QUESTIONS. A SHIT TON OF QUESTIONS.

Such as, why in the world would Donald Trump be able to help victims of sexual violence? Did any money change hands? What was the nature of Cohen's interest in these women's cases? What did Michael Cohen plan to do with the information on Mister Twwwump's nemesis Eric Schneiderman?

But mostly, we are wondering ... Are you out of your fucking mind, Peter Gleason?

As we were typing, Gleason has given two different explanations to the media. A self-serving one to the New York Times ...

Mr. Gleason said in an interview that Mr. Cohen had told him that if Mr. Trump were to run for and be elected governor of New York, he would help bring to light the women’s accusations about Mr. Schneiderman.

And a less attractive one to the LA Times ...

They were talking over dinner about Schneiderman's lawsuit against Trump University when Gleason brought up the abuse allegations, he recalled.

"Trump might be interested in that," Dunleavy responded, according to Gleason.

Soon after the dinner, Gleason said, he got a phone call from Cohen, Trump's self-appointed fixer. He said they had never spoken before.

"Cohen had a very sympathetic ear," Gleason recalled. "I realized, as a lawyer, he may want to use that information against his adversary.

And what does Mr. Gleason want from the Court?

The extent of Mr. Cohen memorializing any of our communications is unknown. However, these two women's confidentiality, as victims of sexual assault, should be superior to that of any unrelated subpoena.

Furthermore, the letter to the Court dated May 9, 2018, raises concerns of what appears to be reckless behavior on the part of Mr. Avenatti, particularly in the event that his client should be given leave to intervene.

Based on the foregoing, it is respectfully requested that the Court issue a protective order and seal any and all correspondence that Mr. Cohen may have memorialized regarding our communications which pertain to Mr. Scheinderman's [sic] assault on these two women.

So, let's see if we've got this straight. Gleason went and blabbed the identities of two sexual assault victims to Donald Trump's fixer because he thought it might help fend off Eric Schneiderman in the Trump University lawsuit. But now, he's very concerned about their privacy. And just in case the FBI found any record of his not at all shady dealings with Cohen when they raided his office, he'd like the Court to shield not only identifying information about these victims but the entirety of their communications. To protect the women.

In other words, LORDY HE HOPES THERE AREN'T TAPES! And also, pleasepleaseplease keep that scary Avenatti guy away from me!

You're killing us with this shit. For the love of God, please! NO. MORE. NEWS. TODAY.

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

We're just going to lie down until the room stops spinning! When we come to, we dearly hope that someone leaves something in the till! Clickety-click!

[Gleason Request / NYT / LA Times]

Five Dollar Feminist

Your FDF lives in Baltimore under an assumed identity as an upstanding member of the PTA. Shhh, don't tell anyone she makes swears on the internet!

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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