Nancy Pelosi Releases Her Rules For Impeachment Radicals!
Photo: Gage Skidmore, Creative Commons license 2.0

The text for the House's impeachment resolution is here, and it's GREAT. Next time we start bitching about Nancy Pelosi moving too slow, please roll it up like a newspaper and smack us across the nose with it. "Nervous" and "Shifty" have cut the GOP off at the knees and put the kibosh on members of their own party who might turn the public hearings into a Benghazi-style circus. No more power struggles, no more distractions. House Intel (HPSCI) Chair Adam Schiff will be driving this car for the long trip to Jerry Nadler's house at the Judiciary Committee, so buckle your seatbelts and don't even think about touching that radio. Get in, loser, we're going IMPEACHING!

Tomorrow the House will vote on a resolution empowering Schiff to schedule public and private witness hearings. This is a serious process, and eight hours of alternating, five-minute rounds of red and blue congresspeople screaming at the witnesses and mugging for the camera will not cut it. We need real lawyers laying out the evidence without dramatics, and so the hearings will open with extended questioning by Chairman Schiff, Ranking Member Devin Nunes, or a HPSCI staffer. Yes, Schiff versus Nunes is not a fair fight. And if the GOP wanted to avoid it, they could have moved the dumbest little cowpoke in Congress out of pole position on this committee. You pays your money, you takes your chances.

Only after in-depth questioning, with equal time for both parties, will committee members take the floor for their five-minute open mike sets. And only HPSCI members will get a turn. So Republicans will get former CIA officer Will Hurd of Texas, but no Jim Jordan, no Mark Meadows, and, praise Crom, no Paul Gosar insisting he's basically a human polygraph machine, because "I'm a dentist. I read body language very, very well."


If Fucking Devin wants to call a witness or issue a subpoena, he has to run it by Adam Schiff first. A rule he can no doubt understand, since he overruled Adam Schiff's requests to recall witnesses like lyin'-ass Erik Prince or to force Steve Bannon to answer any questions when the gavel was on the other foot.

Just kidding, he will not understand.

As the Democrats are at great pains to point out, but Republicans will steadfastly deny, these procedures closely track those in place during the Clinton and Nixon impeachments. The president is getting all the process that is due. But he will get to participate in hearings in the Judiciary Committee, after HPSCI issues a final report. Donald Trump's attorneys can attend judiciary hearings, present evidence, and cross examine witnesses. BUT, if they act like jackasses and try to obstruct the investigation, then all bets are off. Chairman Nadler posted additional rules last night:

If the President unlawfully refuses to cooperate with Congressional requests, the Chair shall have the discretion to impose appropriate remedies, including by denying specific requests by the President or his counsel.

Womp womp.

In the meantime, all the various committees investigating President Crime Spree will continue as before, but now with enhanced subpoena power -- the White House's defiance of Congress was grounded in some bullshit about no impeachment because no vote, and that's a dead letter once the House votes tomorrow.

Sounds pretty fair, right? Well not to former Congressman Jason Chaffetz, who decried mean old Nancy Pelosi making those House members read an EIGHT PAGE bill in just three days. God bless Media Matters for listening to this shit so we don't have to!

Remember, Nancy Pelosi instituted a 72-hour rule, supposedly this resolution that's going to be -- that's unveiled today, nobody's yet really seen it and digested it.

She said they're going to vote on Thursday, but it's Tuesday. So, do the math. I don't know how they have any time to actually properly digest this.

Oh, noes! How can anyone "properly digest" such a voluminous document in just three days? Especially one with with no pictures of "camel" or naked ladies to spice it up. Jason Chaffetz, who did nothing but cheer when his party passed a 400-page tax bill fresh off the printer, is very concerned! Luckily, he was talking to Hannity on the radio, where no one can tell if you're rolling your eyes and making the wanking motion at the sheer dumbassery of your own argument. And you can't see us typing, but rest assured, we're doing just that.

Bring it, Nancy!

[Impeachment Resolution / Impeachment Fact Sheet / Media Matters]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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