Florida Lady Hides Xanax Up Butt While Stealing From Walmart, As One Does
Pity it was Florida, not Texas. Anarcocorrido titled 'La Señora Con Xanax En Su Culo' would be so awesome.
Pro tip to potential criminal masterminds: If you're planning to go on a shoplifting spree, take the hidden Xanax tablets out of your butt first.
Ginger Cooper, 28, was arrested Friday at a Walmart in Bradenton, Florida, after attempting to walk out of the store with several items she had tossed into her cart without scanning them at the self-checkout register, which already suggests that she's no latter-day Moriarty. The value of the unscanned items was $71.27, according to Manatee County Sheriff's Office deputies.
Cooper then admitted to deputies that she was also carrying pills; according to the arrest report, a search found Cooper was "in possession of three Xanax pills in a plastic bag which were concealed in her buttocks."
The Bradenton Herald did not specify the exact buttockal location of the plastic bag, so we can't say whether the contraband was daintily tucked between her cheeks, or whether a more invasive retrieval process was required. Honestly, local journalism is sometimes frustratingly vague about details that the public has a right to know. (We'd like to think that the Pulitzer-winning Tampa Bay Times would have more thoroughly probed into the matter). We also must question the journalistic integrity of the Herald for its headline, "Bradenton woman charged with shoplifting concealed Xanax pills in her buttocks," which is rather ambiguous about the provenance of the buttockular pills. Columbia Journalism Review, please take note.
Of course Ms. Cooper had a compelling explanation for the presence of the illicit Xanax: She told deputies the pills were not hers, and she was simply holding them, in (or perhaps up) her butt, for a friend.
Cooper was held on charges of shoplifting and possession of a controlled substance, and was released the next day on bond from the Manatee County jail, which we'd like to imagine is actually shaped like a manatee, because wouldn't that be a fun jail? We bet those Manatee County cops have no sense of humor about things like that, though. We also wish we could see this entire story described on television by our new cop buddy, Capt. Clay Higgins of Louisiana's St. Landry Parish Sheriff’s Office.
[contextly_sidebar id="ssHiVn7cNTy9FLAdZBsmfxMBJNW1BvEl"]Still, let this be a warning to you malefactors: If you hide contraband in your nethers, you're likely to be caught by the long, blue-gloved arm of the law. Just like the Florida Man who was arrested during a traffic stop when a cop -- not a K-9 unit doggie, but an actual cop -- caught the unmistakable scent of dank weed coming from the gentleman's pooper. And let's not even get started on the evils of hiding a loaded gun in your ladyparts.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.