Florida Man Hurls Gator Through Wendy's Drive-Thru Window, Becomes Apex Florida Man
It's been way too long since we've had the opportunity to check in on the adventures of Florida Man. Happily, he's back.
There's just no more clever way to say this: a dude in Royal Palm Beach, Florida, hurled an alligator through a Wendy's drive-thru window. That's ... yeah, that's the story. That's what happened.
"This is one of those stories that only happens in Florida," said WPTV-5 reporter Tory Dunnan. So, what, you guys are just getting out in front of the jokes now? That's really no fun. Florida, if you're going to be responsible for both George Zimmerman and eight years of George W. Bush, the least you can do is have the decency to take the abuse in stride.
Dunnan went on to describe how 23-year-old Joshua James was handed his drink at the Wendy's drive-thru, and when the employee turned to get him his food, James hurled a three and a half foot gator through the window before speeding away. The incident apparently occurred in October 2015, but officials only took James into custody Monday, Feb. 8, we're assuming because Florida has very specific statutes on gator-related offenses. Here's James' booking photo:
Wait a second, he looks really familiar. Where did we see that face over the weekend ... no, it can't be ... OH MY GOD, IT IS:
ELI, NOOOOOOO! We know you're upset about not being the only Manning brother with two Super Bowl rings any more, but that's no excuse to engage in the Reptile Shotput! Wait, no, it can't be Eli; if it had been, he'd have accidentally thrown it at the McDonald's across the street.
But where did James get the alligator, anyway? As far as we're aware, even in Florida there's no Discount Stop 'N' Gator Emporium.
FWC said James admitted to picking up the gator on the side of Southern Boulevard and bringing it to the fast food restaurant.
Oh, right, y'know. As one does.
James has now been charged with aggravated assault and unlawful possession and transportation of an alligator after he admitted the whole thing. Apparently the best explanation we're going to get is some combination of "he felt like it" and "it's Florida," so don't expect any grand revealing closure on this one. Perhaps James can, however, take some solace in the knowledge that "assault with a deadly alligator" is probably the funniest possible thing to have on one's rap sheet.