Florida Men Tell Ladies To Get Their Hoo-Has Checked At The Dentist

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Well, isn't this a neat new trend that's spreading like herpes in a frat house at a state school, only not nearly as fun?

A bill passed in the Florida legislature this week would effectively defund Planned Parenthood and other reproductive rights clinics by preventing state agencies from working with any organization that provides abortion care other than that for victims of rape, incest, or if the life of the woman is at risk.

If this sounds strangely deja vu to you, that's because Ohio just enacted its own version in February. Ohio, not typically known as the Florida of whateverthefuck that region is called, decided the state could save oodles of dollars, and babies, by cutting funding for HIV testing and cancer screening. So pro-lifey!

Before good ol' moderate Gov. John Kasich signed that monstrosity into law, the legislature provided a helpful list of places where low-income ladies could get their bidness taken care of, since the places where ladies usually get their bidness taken care of would be big fat no-nos under the law:

Senators supporting the measure have circulated a list of some 300 alternatives for low-income Ohio women seeking reproductive services.

That tally, though, includes many duplicates, dentist offices, school nurses, senior centers, addiction treatment centers, and a food bank as options for Ohio women.

And since Florida's state motto is apparently "If It's Good Enough For Ohio," that's exactly what the walking jizz stains in the Florida legislature have also advised:  

[S]everal state lawmakers who have insisted that plentiful alternatives exist for reproductive and sexual healthcare have cited a list of health centers that includes dentists, optometrists, and elementary schools.

Do you see? You needn't go to the actual vagina doctor to have your vagina looked at for vagina cancer when you can go to, for example, the Salvation Army Satellite Site in Miami. Sure the gloves the doctor uses to get up in there might be used, but think of the savings! The list also includes a number of what we are sure are very fine elementary schools, plus several mobile dental units.

No, that's not a typo. Mobile. Dental. Units.

If you're into irony, there's a mobile eye care unit as well, so you can enjoy saying, "Hey, doc, my girl-hole is downthere." According to the state-provided list, the MCR Health Services Mobile Eye Care (Satellite Site) provides a wide range of health care services:

Preventative eye care focusing on disease diagnosis and management, Routine eye care, Diabetic eye exams, Glaucoma evaluation and management, Cataract evaluation, Dry eye treatment, Ocular foreign body management, Acute or chronic red eye care.

Sure, if you want to get all nit-picky about it, there's nothing about pap smears on there or HIV testing or STD treatment, but at least you'll know if your vag needs glasses. Wouldn't want to spend your dollars training a Seeing Eye Vag, if common specs would do the trick.

Have we made our point? Yeah, we've probably made our point.

Gov. Rick Scott, who is an actual skin-sack of pure undiluted evil, has yet to say whether he will sign this bill or undergo an experimental personality transplant and try not being a dick for once in his wretched life. In other words, sorry, Florida ladies, but you're probably about to get good and screwed. Be sure to drop by your local mobile dental unit if you're worried you might be pregnant.

[ The Guardian ]