Florida To Get Flaming Tap Water, Officially Become Hell

Florida To Get Flaming Tap Water, Officially Become Hell

The oil-drilling technique known as fracking has caused its share of controversy the past few years: Maybe itcauses radioactive rivers, maybe it's marine life to blame. Maybe it causes earthquakes, maybe that's the Dallas Cowboys special teams squad.

It also, though, looks to pretty obviously cause methane contamination leading to flaming tap water, and you know what that means — it's perfect for Florida.

Oil companies have been romancing Florida's government for the better part of the year, according to the Southwest Florida News-Press, and are offering the state a chance to take one more step in some kind of prolonged costume contest in which Florida will win a bottle of popcorn-flavored vodka if it can look like the setting of Book of Eli.

Florida Gov. Rick Scott (R-Azkaban) loves talking about making jobs so much that the Romney campaign reportedly asked him to please stop — the odds his administration would oppose fracking are about as good as the odds that it would instate crazy things like annual vehicle inspections: Zero, for freedom.

To quickly paint a picture of Florida: A guy died last week from eating too many cockroaches, there's a ballot measure coming up in November with the express intent of eliminating the separation of church and state, escaped monkeys are biting women in Tampa, and, now, there are going to be exploding toilets and undrinkable water.

Ah, whatever. The water's full of feces anyway. See you in Disney World. [News-Press]


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