What The F*ck Is Happening In Florida? Part 5,628,387,893,626,912,532,841

The 2000 election is never dead. It's not even past. We're doomed to repeat the whole hideous hanging chads Florida debacle for all eternity. Roger Stone is even getting the gang back together for another Brooks Brothers riot, featuring Laura Loomer and the QAnon crew. Bring your Trumpy Bear along for the show and receive a free beer koozie!

As Rick Scott's lead over Bill Nelson in the senatorial election shrinks to 13,000 votes, the GOP has entered full panic mode. Just like in 2000, they need a judge to step in and put a stop to the vote counting STAT! What a lucky break that the election supervisors in both Broward and Palm Beach Counties are African American women -- not that they'd have had any trouble getting Trump to shout insane shit about the election, but it doesn't hurt.

So the Republicans are going all in on their regular DEMOCRAT CORRUPTION script. The normal process of counting all the votes, which is exactly what they're doing in California and Arizona, is somehow "new ballots showed up out of nowhere." And the fact that it takes longer to count votes in Fort Lauderdale, where people actually live, than in East Gatorcrack, is a sign of "incompetence and mismanagement."

Rick Scott is going full banana republic, suing to get the vote tallying machines impounded and threatening to send in the state police, despite his own secretary of state's repeated assertions that there is no fraud. Scott wants the court to toss any ballots not counted in Broward County by last Saturday night, including hundreds that got impounded in an Opa-Lacka post office during the pipe bomb plot by Florida Man Cesar Sayoc, even though they'll still be counting military and overseas ballots until November 16. Trump's favorite Attorney General Pam Bondi is putting pressure on the Florida Department of Law Enforcement to investigate Scott's entirely unsubstantiated claims of fraud. And a Florida judge just called a one hour recess and told the parties to go sort their shit out, after telling everyone to "tamp down the rhetoric" and stop screaming about non-existent corruption that destroys Floridians' faith in the electoral process.

The senatorial race is close enough that a mandatory hand recount is now required, and the gubernatorial race is in machine count territory. But counting all the votes again by the deadline -- which Governor Rick Scott could extend, but won't -- will likely be impossible in the populous counties due to Florida's outdated voting machines, as Palm Beach County Board of Elections Supervisor Susan Bucher explained.

Bucher said it comes down to the tabulators used in the midterm election. Bucher said they're archaic and were unable to handle volume of votes.

"Our tabulating equipment does not calculate more than one election at a time," Bucher said. Republican Chair Michael Barnett tells WPBF that's an excuse.

"We have 65 out 67 counties that have accomplished their job under the law. It's not about the law, it's about the competence and the equipment and the process being employed in Broward and Palm Beach County,"

And Florida law clearly states that citizens must be disenfranchised if their elected officials are incompetent or if the machines can only recount one race at a time. PROBABLY.

Now the GOP wants to have their email votes counted in Republican-leaning Bay County?

And do not even get us started on this fakakta ballot that caused 25,000 people to forget to vote for governor in Broward County. This way madness and butterfly ballots lie.

Seriously, though. WTF, Florida? We'll refrain from talking a lot of shit about you right now, because you passed the felon re-enfranchisement law. But we are thinking it. LOUDLY.


Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Please click here to fund your Wonkette! It's Monday, and we're still HERE!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc