FLOTUS Hamburger Scandal Overshadows Crucial Story On Bees

Michelle Obama is taking a nap right now because, haven’t you heard, she ate herself into a coma last week. Somewhere, a couple of news desk interns are very proud of themselves, because their cranky, jaded editor shouted, “HOW MANY CALORIES ARE IN A HAMBURGER?” and they got out their little calculators as fast as they could, to add “Ruined Michelle Obama’s day” to their useless resumés. Of course, our FLOTUS can easily bounce back from any non-scandal, maybe because she has Harry Potter on her side or because she is a magazine model , but mostly because no one actually cares about what Michelle Obama eats for lunch, especially Michelle Obama, who is busy implementing the next phase of her anti-obesity campaign, which involves bees.

So our FLOTUS ate at Shake Shack last week and opinions were formed . “What are your thoughts on Michelle Obama’s meal at Shake Shack?” is now the divisive issue of our time, and will probably be the first question in the next round of GOP debates (“Not enough pizza, too many Muslims” will be Herman Cain’s answer, etc.). Or at least, it is a divisive issue for columnists, not so much for sane human beings, according to this   Washington Post poll:

In summary, this lunch thing is very silly especially when there are more serious subjects at hand, like why has no one noticed that Michelle Obama’s White House garden is guarded by an army of killer bees, probably African?

Another reveal: daughter Malia is scared of bees and did not want a beehive set up next to Mrs. Obama's garden on the South Lawn. The bee hive is there to make it an easy commute for the pollinators.

Malia "was not happy about the fact that we were going to have a beehive--she's terrified of bees," Mrs. Obama said.

The bees are an important part of our FLOTUS’ campaign to end childhood obesity. When children do not eat their vegetables, they are to be dragged kicking and screaming into the garden, covered in honey and pollen. [ WaPo / Chicago Sun-Times ]

 Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) blogsand obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.