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For F*ck's Sake! Get Your Damn Flu Shot, You Stupid Baby!

Science

No, the flu vaccine doesn't cause autism. It doesn't cause the flu either. Oh, you're worried about the "mercury" (thimerosal, actually, not pure mercury, but just being a science dick) or the formaldehyde in the vaccine that will end up being injected into you? Let's take the scary mercury one first. That's used as a preservative for multi-use vaccine vials. If you get a single shot vaccine, it won't have it. If you get one that has it, it is in really small amounts, you nervous Nelly. You'll get the same amount of mercury in one shot as there is in three ounces of tuna fish. If you eat any tuna at all this year, you're getting more mercury in your sandwich or spicy tuna roll than in the one vaccination that might prevent you ACTUALLY DYING from the flu. Yes, healthy people die too. More on that in a bit, but back to formaldehyde. That chemical is used during manufacture of the vaccine in the process to kill the virus, and YES they kill the virus and NO you aren't getting live virus which is why the shot can't give you the flu. The level of formaldehyde in the shot you get is less than the naturally occurring amount of formaldehyde you ALREADY have in your body. Ah, you didn't know you have formaldehyde naturally occurring in you? Now you do, bitches! Okay, so lead paragraph complete and we can check off "safety covered," right? Paragraph two is the scare campaign, so let's get to it.

How many people die from the flu each year in the USA? Well, we don't know for sure, but the CDC estimated 10,000 to 14,000 people died in the 2015/16 flu season with ~60% of those being 65 or older, but that still leaves some 4000 to 6000 younger folks with mostly preventable flu related deaths. Does that seem like a lot? Yes, it does, but last year the estimate was ~80,000 dead due to the flu, the deadliest year since 1976, or basically since we started counting. You don't REALLY want to help break the record again this year. Get your damn shot.


So, what IS the flu? Let's chat about that shall we?

Here's a mug shot of the tiny pendejo:

A face not even a mother can love. Of course, the flu doesn't have a mother because it's a virus and those fucks aren't even technically alive. Like Trump's sex life.

There are four species of flu virus, creatively named influenza A, B, C, and D. The latter only infects cattle and pigs, so maybe some MAGAs as well. "A" is the worst one in that it's caused all the pandemics. It infects human, other mammals and also birds. Remember the bird flu? Yeah, that was an "A" bastard. Swine flu in 2009 that killed over 200,000 worldwide? Type A.

Flu "C" infects humans, pigs and dogs but is mostly mild. It's not even in the seasonal vaccine you'll be getting, if you haven't yet.

Influenza B is an oddball in that it infects only humans and seals. Yeah, seals, but even so, the typical breakdown in the US of flu cases that need a doctor visit is 70% of cases are type A and 30% are type B. Here's an actual photo of a seal passing on the flu to a human:

Credits: Instagram/Taiyo Masuda fsmedia.imgix.net

You can sub classify and add to the names to be more specific about particular strains. Here's an example:

A/Disneyland/666/2018/H1N1

A = the species

"Disneyland" = the geographic origin of the virus

666 = the strain number

2018 = the year it was isolated

H1N1 = the subtype, related to the specific surface proteins on the virus.

The subtype is super important, because some subtypes are more infectious, deadlier than others, and also that's how manufacturers create the season-specific vaccine. What you get in your shot is a cocktail of virus antigens, or proteins that your body's immune system will recognize and then create an immune response to. If an actual flu virus comes along later, at it has one of those surface proteins, then your body is all "hell NO!" It remembers the vaccine antigens and mounts a defense MUCH faster than your body would have otherwise. Worst case if you get a vaccine is that you still get the flu but it lasts much less time and your symptoms are not as severe. Did you get your shot yet? Are you sensing a theme to this story?

Why are the vaccines different each year? Well, we haven't figured out how to create a universal flu vaccine yet that would work for ANY species or subtype. Sometime around February, the WHO makes some educated guesses on which of the little bastards are likely to hit us hard in winter and based on that, the various manufacturers kick off the work. Sometimes they guess wrong and the vaccines are only partially successful. Even then, they still help.

Here's what you'll get in this year's shot:

A/Michigan/45/2015 (H1N1)pdm09-like virus

A/Singapore/INFIMH-16-0019/2016 A(H3N2)-like virus

B/Colorado/06/2017-like (Victoria lineage) virus

So, here is my last plea to you. If you haven't yet, get your flu shot. I don't PERSONALLY care if you get sick and are miserable. However, if you get the flu and can't get out of bed on November 6, I will personally come over to your house and slap you with an octopus. If for some weird reason, you're a MAGA and are reading this article, then everything I said is a lie. For Trump's sake, DON'T get a flu shot! Do you want to die of mercury poisoning?!?

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Carlos Sagan

I am a biochemist MexiCAN. I also write screenplays, ever hoping to get one made.

email me at: carlossagan2018@gmail.com

follow me at: @RealCarlosSagan

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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'Baby Geniuses' star Jon Voight took to Twitter early this morning to proclaim his undying love for Donald Trump, probably because there is no one left in his life who will listen to him talk about this, or anything else, in person. In this video rant, Voight encouraged members of the Republican Party, whom he apparently thinks are the only real citizens of the United States, to stand by Donald Trump and "acknowledge the truth" that he is the best President since Abraham Lincoln.


Part ONE:

People of the Republican Party, I know you will agree with me when I say our president has our utmost respect and our love. This job is not easy. For he's battling the left and their absurd words of destruction. I've said this once and I'll say this again. That our nation has been built on the solid ground from our forefathers, and there is a moral code of duty that has been passed on from President Lincoln. I'm here today to acknowledge the truth, and I'm here today to tell you my fellow Americans that our country…

Oh no, not our absurd words of destruction!

Part DEUX:

is stronger, safer, and with more jobs because our President has made his every move correct. Don't be fooled by the political left, because we are the people of this nation that is witnessing triumph. So let us stand with our president. Let us stand up for this truth, that President Trump is the greatest president since President Lincoln.

Does Jon Voight not know there have been... other presidents? Can he name them? Because really, it does not sound like it. Does he also not know that a very big chunk of the Republican Party actually does not care very much for Abraham Lincoln? Namely those defenders of Confederate statues that Trump called "very fine people?" Also, did he intentionally diss their beloved Ronald Reagan?

Who can know? Who can even tell what he is trying to say or why he is trying to say it. He doesn't appear to have tweeted much since 2016, so I'm guessing whoever's job it was to keep him from tanking his career quit. Either that... or after filming the seventh season of Ray Donovan, he found out it's going to be canceled or his character is getting killed off or something and he is now free to be a jackass? I don't know, I haven't watched the show, although my parents are very into it and mad that I haven't watched it. Literally all I know about it is that it has something to do with Boston, because they keep mentioning that to me like it's a selling point.

It seems useless at this point to note that the people who scream their faces off about how bad it is for Hollywood celebs to support liberal causes, and how they should keep their politics to themselves, etc. etc. make a way bigger deal than normal people do whenever a Big Time Hollywood Celebrity like Jon Voight or, uh, Scott Baio, supports their cause. Mostly because they're the only ones who have elected a reality TV star and the star of Bedtime for Bonzo (who by the way, also once practically ruined a perfectly good Bette Davis movie with his bad acting. Which is not to say that Dark Victory is not fantastic and probably the best thing to watch if you want to sob your face off, but he was very bad in it.) to run the country.

But we might as well do that anyway, because it actually never stops being funny.

[Jon Voight Twitter]

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