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Forget Royal Baby: Ted Cruz Has Mandate Of Heaven, Says Ted Cruz's Dad

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We do not yet know whether Real Christian God whispers secrets in Sen. Ted Cruz's soul's ear, like He did our last white president. Nor do we know whether Cruz, who may be legally eligible to become president despite how his dad is not from America and neither is he, will even seek that office. But at least we know this: Ted Cruz's proud papa has a pretty clear idea what the invisible humanoid deity he worships wishes to behold in the country He loves best. Specifically, God wants his (His?) son, Ted Cruz, who has been a senator for almost seven months, to save America's Freedom! Haven't you been feeling so much less free lately? Ugh, it sucks! Ted Cruz's Dad, howe spaketh the Lord unto you?

"Let me just go back to when he was maybe four. When he was four I used to read Bible stories to him all the time. And I would declare and proclaim the word of God over him. And I would just say, ‘You know Ted, you have been gifted above any man that I know and God has destined you for greatness’. And I started making declarations about the Word of God to him every day ... Before he left high school he knew without a shadow of a doubt what his purpose in life was and it was to defend and protect freedom and the Constitution."

Why are we not surprised Ted Cruz has been hearing how he is the Greatest Gift of God his whole entire life? Oh, because he is a dick, that's right. Ted Cruz, you got this?

"We are having a national debate about which direction the country should go…and what I am doing now is trying to participate in that national debate."

Yes, and if Ted Cruz, a Senator from Texas, waits there in Iowa (where he is for some reason), maybe some other politicians will show up in a couple years and have that debate with him!

Hopefully Ted Cruz doesn't actually have to be president to fix the freedom, though, because have you heard of this lady called Hillary? Total nerd, hates freedom, but we think she'll be the next POTUS. Maybe he can do what needs to be done just by running in the primary and losing to... oh shit. Rand Paul? A pizza shaped like Rick Santorum?

Meanwhile, if anyone runs into Ted Cruz's dad, can they ask him how God wants Bank of America's stock to perform over the next 10 years, relative to the market? Also we are hazy on how babby is formed. Penises, right?

[Right Wing Watch / ABC News]

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And now for some very serious TUT TUTTING! It's time again for Republicans to make sad words about President Treason McTraitorpants selling out the country. This time they are seriously concerned, nay even deeply troubled, that Donald Trump would stand next to Vladimir Putin and pretend the Russians didn't hack the 2016 election. These patriotic Republicans are shocked, SHOCKED! Well, not, like, upset enough to do anything about it -- not with a fascist carpooler to jam into the Supreme Court. But they've got tweets, so it's all good!

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Republicans are in a pickle. Midterms are coming up and the party in the White House usually loses seats in those elections. It doesn't help their chances that their guy Donald Trump frolics through fields holding hands with self-made Russian dictator and coincidental poisoner Vladimir Putin, who our own justice department believes attacked our mostly free elections and our true national monument, the Internet.

If you're as old as I am, you'll recall that back in the 1980s, the whole Republican brand involved not trusting the Ruskies, and they were especially disappointed when Kevin Costner turned out to be one in No Way Out. Now, the current Republican president is talking like some kind of crazy commie lib, bashing the FBI and giving the benefit of the doubt to a former KGB agent. During an interview Sunday where he wore a hat with "USA" in big letters on it, presumably so someone could easily return him if he got lost on the field trip, Trump went so far as to call the European Union a "foe" of his country, which if you believe his hat is supposedly the United States not Russia.

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