Big congratulations go out today to Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the former head of the International Monetary Fund and alleged hotel-maid raper, who was found not guilty Friday on a charge of "aggravated pimping." Strauss-Kahn had been charged back in 2012 with getting his freak on with actual sex piles of prostitutes at sybaritic rich-people sex parties at a number of hotels in Lille, France, because he is a plutocrat and that's how he rolls. But now he is officially innocent, and is only a gross sex perv, not a criminal gross sex perv. Man leads a charmed life!

[contextly_sidebar id="UXQinFnJO0JsvY4Ryz9njLlWR8esaWl2"]

Tell us more, The Guardian, about Strauss-Kahn's attempts to out-Nero your basic debauched Roman emperor,

"The judges said there was no proof he knew that some of the women he had sex with at orgies were prostitutes. Throughout his trial, he maintained that he had not known that some of the partners brought to him by business friends at group-sex sessions had been paid, saying he thought they were merely 'swingers' like himself. The businessmen told the women who had sex with Strauss-Kahn not to say they had been paid.

"The wide-reaching trial in the northern French city of Lille revealed a saga of money, fame and women travelling to luxury locations for sex with powerful men against a backdrop of economic deprivation and social misery.

Known as the Carlton affair, the case began in 2011 as an investigation into an alleged prostitution network at Lille's smart Hotel Carlton, where women -- described by the men that ran them as 'livestock' or 'dossiers' -- had been offered up as the "dessert course" at business lunches. Strauss-Kahn was never involved in any alleged activity at the hotel, but when his name was mentioned by sex-workers in interviews with investigators, the inquiry was widened."

We're almost certain that was the plot of one of the Emmanuelle sequels, only in soft focus and a lot of really dorky '70s fashion. We're just not clear on how Rhoda's doorman got wrapped up in all of that.

But that doesn't really sound all that bad; after all, the guy was just doing sex, and we are very much a sex-positive mommyblog. Far be it from us to condemn a few kinks. Wait, what was that you were saying about a "backdrop of economic deprivation and social misery"?

The trial was marked by the tearful accounts of two destitute and vulnerable prostitutes who were among the women ferried to locations in Paris, Brussels and Washington to have sex with Strauss-Kahn. They likened the orgies to “slaughter”, “killing” and “butchery”. The former IMF chief told the trial that he had regrettably discovered during the court hearings that he had “a sexuality that was rougher than the average man” but that he believed “no means no”.

Mounia, a Lille sex worker whom court papers described as having been sexually abused as a child, broke down in tears as she told the court how, at an orgy in Paris, Strauss-Kahan had subjected her to anal penetration against her wishes. She said that when he saw she was crying and in pain he smiled and went ahead anyway “with force”.

Asked by the judge whether he had noticed her crying, Strauss-Kahn said: “No, I would have found it chilling.” He said he did not have a precise memory of the woman, but that he had had no sense of refusal. “When someone says no, it’s no,” he said.

Another prostitute, Jade, who was also sexually abused as a child, described the atmosphere at one Paris hotel orgy. She said of Strauss-Kahn: “No one asked me my name, there was just a hand on my head to fellate him.” She later broke down in tears as she told the court how on a different occasion Strauss-Kahn had also subjected her to anal penetration against her wishes. “I didn’t have time to say no,” she said.

Strauss-Kahn told the court he did not view his sexual encounter with Jade in the same way that she did. “I didn’t realise,” he said. “I’m not for doing things that are disagreeable for partners.

Um. Forget that "sex-positive" stuff we said -- could someone arrange to have this man delivered to the nastiest possible chapter of the Fundamentalist Ball-Kicking Church Of No Sex Ever? Who are we kidding? They'd embrace him the second he said he was vewy sowwy and promised to go forth and sin no more.

Monsieur Strauss-Kahn, as you all recall, was the frontrunner to become President of All France and Lord High King of The Cheese-Eaters back in 2011, but then he was accused of raping a hotel maid. The charges were eventually dismissed because of a little-known loophole by which rich powerful men are allowed to rape women who aren't perfect virgins.

[contextly_sidebar id="a5EmchdvRBgt2AnG6f320drvziyJdLdI"]

Now that he's been cleared of being the Pimpatous of Love, Strauss-Kahn plans to return to a quiet life of rolling around naked in huge piles of money while international financiers blow him and feed him morsels of endangered species from their own lips. But he's reformed -- he'll demand that everyone who fellates him sign a consent form from now on.

[NPR / The Guardian]