Fornicating Michigan Teabaggers Lose Comeback Bids, Probably Because Satan
Because you shouldn't have run again, maybe...
Remember Michigan family values state Reps. Todd Courser and Cindy Gamrat, who had an adulterous affair during their freshman terms in office, which Rep. Courser tried to cover up with an insane scheme to paint himself as the victim of a smear campaign claiming he'd been caught with a male prostitute?
Yeah, that story -- the one so convoluted our heads hurt whenever we try to explain it. They both got booted from the state legislature in September, and we thought it was all over. But like monsters in a bad slasher flick, they refused to stay dead. First Gamrat and then Courser filed to run in the special primary to fill their seats, figuring that it was their public duty to let The People, not the "Lansing Mafia," decide their fates. Besides, Jesus told them to give it another go, probably.
Big surprise! Tuesday, The People definitively told Courser and Gamrat to please just go home and shut up. Do not pass go, do not collect $200, and don't cry for me, Allegan County. Their respective districts may be heavily Republican, but even those voters aren't stupid enough to send either of them back to the state House.
In Courser's former district, Lapeer County, there were 11 Republicans running for the open seat: Courser finished in sixth place with a pathetic 4 percent of the vote, and some guy named Gary Howell won that nomination to run in the special general election to fill the vacancies next March. Let's hope Howell's every bit as boring as his credentials suggest: "school board member and road commissioner."
Gamrat's former district in Allegan County was less crowded, with only eight candidates; that GOP nomination went to Mary Whiteford, a former vice chair of the local Republican Party, with 52 percent of the vote. Gamrat finished third, with less than 10 percent of the vote.
It's not clear what's next for Gamrat and Courser, both of whom made a big show of repentance and fixing their marriages in the wake of the scandal. We're betting they either vanish quietly into much-deserved anonymity, or possibly team up in some weird-ass survivalist health food scam. As Rachel Maddow sez, watch this space.
Jesus reportedly sent both disgraced former legislators a text reading "LOL J/K ;) STFU, OK? Kthxbai!"
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.