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Fox News Cancels Caravan 'Crisis,' Re-Declares War On Jim Acosta And Sharks And Happy Holidays And ...

Post-Racial America

Good news, everyone! Carol's lake house in Minnesota has checked in "safe" on Facebook from that awful caravan crisis, which unlike what conservatives think about climate change was definitely man-made. You probably recall the story about the Marie Antoinette of Minnesota whom Donald Trump had scared even more shades of white about an invading army of hostile poor people. This "caravan of migrants" would not stop until it reached a state that is only habitable for human life for about two weeks in May. Then would come the raping and pillaging in an undetermined order until even innocent lake houses were "occupied."

Mr. Trump's dystopian imagery has clearly left an impression with some. Carol Shields, 75, a Republican in northern Minnesota, said she was afraid that migrant gangs could take over people's summer lake homes in the state.

"What's to stop them?" said Ms. Shields, a retired accountant. "We have a lot of people who live on lakes in the summer and winter someplace else. When they come back in the spring, their house would be occupied."

What's to stop "them"? Absolutely nothing ... that isn't, say, a midterm election that happened Tuesday! The caravan probably packed it in on Wednesday, because what's the point? All eligible voters have been terrified. Turns out the caravan didn't contain gang members after all but just the electoral version of the creatures from Monsters, Inc. who live on fear.


The Washington Post's Philip Rucker pointed out that Trump, who used to tweet nonstop about the caravan "invasion," hasn't uttered a peep about it since the election. I get it's a busy week obstructing justice but "smallpox" waits for no one and that's what the crackpots on Fox claimed migrants, having stopped at an "Ironic Punishment" gift shop, were bringing to America. Trump himself suggested at campaign rallies that the caravan was infested with "criminals and unknown Middle Easterners."

Fox News now says the "leading migrant caravan pushing its way" to America is considering just staying in Mexico. No one told them apparently that Trump was going to send Kirstjen Nielsen to the border in Top Gun shades, or they'd have never left their "shitholes" in the first place.

"Any kind of accident can happen to you," Nora, a 35-year-old mother who fled Honduras with her husband and 2-year-old daughter, told the Washington Post earlier this week. She described riding 116 miles to the city of Puebla in a double-decker truck meant for hauling vehicles. "Either I take the risk, or I stay poor."

Wow, that's really depressing and would arouse the empathy of even one of those human resembling sci-fi androids that lack emotion processors. Speaking of which, Fox News correspondent Sara Carter turned up on Jesse Watters's show a few days before the election to discuss her "firsthand" experience with caravan members and the "criminal element" among them. I think she'd take the stairs before sharing an elevator with me, but sure, she totally spoke freely with MS-13 gang members she recognized on sight because they all wear easily identifiable thematic outfits like the villains' henchmen on "Batman."

Carter: "A lot of them were very demanding. They said we're going there. We're gonna get jobs. They were also talking badly about President Trump. They were saying, 'If he doesn't give us jobs, we're coming into the country and gonna demand our rights!' And I said, 'What would it take for you to return home?'"

This conversation that I'm absolutely certain totally happened conveniently covers a lot of the same ground as a Trump rally -- pushy immigrants are going to steal jobs from "real" Americans, and worst of all, they don't even like Trump! We already have a majority who oppose the president! Come back later when you're ready to circle jerk him! Shockingly, they're already talking about "demanding rights" like they're enrolled at Berkeley! Conservatives don't need more people yelling at them in restaurants! WAAAAAH!

This blatant fear-mongering probably succeeded in sending Fox viewers to the polls to lock the deadbolt on America. Now the "crisis" has been averted because it never existed in the first place. That's a lot easier, I suppose, than doing anything to address lingering problems in Puerto Rico or escalating rates of gun violence.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work.

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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