Donate

Fox News Cancels Caravan 'Crisis,' Re-Declares War On Jim Acosta And Sharks And Happy Holidays And ...

Post-Racial America

Good news, everyone! Carol's lake house in Minnesota has checked in "safe" on Facebook from that awful caravan crisis, which unlike what conservatives think about climate change was definitely man-made. You probably recall the story about the Marie Antoinette of Minnesota whom Donald Trump had scared even more shades of white about an invading army of hostile poor people. This "caravan of migrants" would not stop until it reached a state that is only habitable for human life for about two weeks in May. Then would come the raping and pillaging in an undetermined order until even innocent lake houses were "occupied."

Mr. Trump's dystopian imagery has clearly left an impression with some. Carol Shields, 75, a Republican in northern Minnesota, said she was afraid that migrant gangs could take over people's summer lake homes in the state.

"What's to stop them?" said Ms. Shields, a retired accountant. "We have a lot of people who live on lakes in the summer and winter someplace else. When they come back in the spring, their house would be occupied."

What's to stop "them"? Absolutely nothing ... that isn't, say, a midterm election that happened Tuesday! The caravan probably packed it in on Wednesday, because what's the point? All eligible voters have been terrified. Turns out the caravan didn't contain gang members after all but just the electoral version of the creatures from Monsters, Inc. who live on fear.


The Washington Post's Philip Rucker pointed out that Trump, who used to tweet nonstop about the caravan "invasion," hasn't uttered a peep about it since the election. I get it's a busy week obstructing justice but "smallpox" waits for no one and that's what the crackpots on Fox claimed migrants, having stopped at an "Ironic Punishment" gift shop, were bringing to America. Trump himself suggested at campaign rallies that the caravan was infested with "criminals and unknown Middle Easterners."

Fox News now says the "leading migrant caravan pushing its way" to America is considering just staying in Mexico. No one told them apparently that Trump was going to send Kirstjen Nielsen to the border in Top Gun shades, or they'd have never left their "shitholes" in the first place.

"Any kind of accident can happen to you," Nora, a 35-year-old mother who fled Honduras with her husband and 2-year-old daughter, told the Washington Post earlier this week. She described riding 116 miles to the city of Puebla in a double-decker truck meant for hauling vehicles. "Either I take the risk, or I stay poor."

Wow, that's really depressing and would arouse the empathy of even one of those human resembling sci-fi androids that lack emotion processors. Speaking of which, Fox News correspondent Sara Carter turned up on Jesse Watters's show a few days before the election to discuss her "firsthand" experience with caravan members and the "criminal element" among them. I think she'd take the stairs before sharing an elevator with me, but sure, she totally spoke freely with MS-13 gang members she recognized on sight because they all wear easily identifiable thematic outfits like the villains' henchmen on "Batman."

Carter: "A lot of them were very demanding. They said we're going there. We're gonna get jobs. They were also talking badly about President Trump. They were saying, 'If he doesn't give us jobs, we're coming into the country and gonna demand our rights!' And I said, 'What would it take for you to return home?'"

This conversation that I'm absolutely certain totally happened conveniently covers a lot of the same ground as a Trump rally -- pushy immigrants are going to steal jobs from "real" Americans, and worst of all, they don't even like Trump! We already have a majority who oppose the president! Come back later when you're ready to circle jerk him! Shockingly, they're already talking about "demanding rights" like they're enrolled at Berkeley! Conservatives don't need more people yelling at them in restaurants! WAAAAAH!

This blatant fear-mongering probably succeeded in sending Fox viewers to the polls to lock the deadbolt on America. Now the "crisis" has been averted because it never existed in the first place. That's a lot easier, I suppose, than doing anything to address lingering problems in Puerto Rico or escalating rates of gun violence.

Follow Stephen Robinson on Twitter.

Yr Wonkette is supported ONLY by reader donations! Politicians aren't begging you for money any more so give us some!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Seattle. However, he's more reliable for food and drink recommendations in Portland, where he spends a lot of time for theatre work. His co-adaptation of "Jitterbug Perfume" by Tom Robbins is playing NOW at Pioneer Square's Cafe Nordo. All Wonketters welcome.

$
Donate with CC

Good morning, America! Attorney General Bill Barr is doing a presser at 9:30 AM EDT about the Mueller report, which nobody will be able to see until around noon or after, once Congress gets the redacted report on CDs. Seeing as that is bullshit, there's no reason to watch this thing, as journalists won't be able to ask him questions about a document they haven't seen. So ... go back to bed, everyone!

Ugh, fine, we guess we will do this, and that is because we care, even though we are quite certain HGTV is doing some kind of very important "Property Brothers" marathon that adds much more of value to the national discourse, and also covers it up with shiplap accent walls. Does Bill Barr do cover-ups with shiplap? No, because he doesn't have the good taste for that.

Reportedly, we are going to hear from Barr why certain things were redacted, including why he thinks certain facts are subject to executive privilege, which is funny because he is not the president and therefore cannot invoke executive privilege. But oh whatever! Details! Robert Mueller won't be there and none of his team will be there, which tells you something about how they feel about this whole process. If they felt like this was on the up-and-up, you'd imagine they might show up to present a united front. As that is not happening, assume the entire thing is a bullshit act meant to help Donald Trump set the narrative for what will otherwise be a very bad day for him.

The New York Times reported last night that the White House has already been briefed on significant portions of the report, because Bill Barr is a rightwing scam artist piece of shit who gives the Trump White House reacharounds. The briefings have reportedly been very helpful for the White House in coming up with how to rebut today's report, which is funny because we thought Trump said this report was a full exoneration, NO COLLUSION, NO OBSTRUCTION. (Actually nope on both counts, since Mueller didn't decide the obstruction question, and even according to Barr's mash notes, he took a very limited view of the conspiracy question, focusing on the Russian government's hack and dump WikiLeaks operation.)

Anyway, assuming Trump is right about full exoneration, we guess Rudy Giuliani's rebuttal will state that Trump is guilty, full stop. Because that's what "rebuttal" means, correct?

Committee chairs in the House including Jerry Nadler, Adam Schiff and Maxine Waters have called upon Bill Barr to cancel today's briefing, as it is useless horseshit. Because Barr literally gives zero fucks about his reputation and apparently is OK with going down in history as a fecal stain on our institutions and the rule of law, the show will go on.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC

Now What? Wonkagenda For Thurs., April 18, 2019

Bill Barr's book report, the NRA is doomed, and Johnny Cash will watch over the Capitol. Your morning news brief!

News

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things we may be talking about today.

Keep reading... Show less
$
Donate with CC
Donate

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Newsletter

©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc