Fox News Cancels Caravan 'Crisis,' Re-Declares War On Jim Acosta And Sharks And Happy Holidays And ...
Good news, everyone! Carol's lake house in Minnesota has checked in "safe" on Facebook from that awful caravan crisis, which unlike what conservatives think about climate change was definitely man-made. You probably recall the story about the Marie Antoinette of Minnesota whom Donald Trump had scared even more shades of white about an invading army of hostile poor people. This "caravan of migrants" would not stop until it reached a state that is only habitable for human life for about two weeks in May. Then would come the raping and pillaging in an undetermined order until even innocent lake houses were "occupied."
Mr. Trump's dystopian imagery has clearly left an impression with some. Carol Shields, 75, a Republican in northern Minnesota, said she was afraid that migrant gangs could take over people's summer lake homes in the state.
"What's to stop them?" said Ms. Shields, a retired accountant. "We have a lot of people who live on lakes in the summer and winter someplace else. When they come back in the spring, their house would be occupied."
What's to stop "them"? Absolutely nothing ... that isn't, say, a midterm election that happened Tuesday! The caravan probably packed it in on Wednesday, because what's the point? All eligible voters have been terrified. Turns out the caravan didn't contain gang members after all but just the electoral version of the creatures from Monsters, Inc. who live on fear.
The Washington Post's Philip Rucker pointed out that Trump, who used to tweet nonstop about the caravan "invasion," hasn't uttered a peep about it since the election. I get it's a busy week obstructing justice but "smallpox" waits for no one and that's what the crackpots on Fox claimed migrants, having stopped at an "Ironic Punishment" gift shop, were bringing to America. Trump himself suggested at campaign rallies that the caravan was infested with "criminals and unknown Middle Easterners."
Fox News now says the "leading migrant caravan pushing its way" to America is considering just staying in Mexico. No one told them apparently that Trump was going to send Kirstjen Nielsen to the border in Top Gun shades, or they'd have never left their "shitholes" in the first place.
"Any kind of accident can happen to you," Nora, a 35-year-old mother who fled Honduras with her husband and 2-year-old daughter, told the Washington Post earlier this week. She described riding 116 miles to the city of Puebla in a double-decker truck meant for hauling vehicles. "Either I take the risk, or I stay poor."
Wow, that's really depressing and would arouse the empathy of even one of those human resembling sci-fi androids that lack emotion processors. Speaking of which, Fox News correspondent Sara Carter turned up on Jesse Watters's show a few days before the election to discuss her "firsthand" experience with caravan members and the "criminal element" among them. I think she'd take the stairs before sharing an elevator with me, but sure, she totally spoke freely with MS-13 gang members she recognized on sight because they all wear easily identifiable thematic outfits like the villains' henchmen on "Batman."
Carter: "A lot of them were very demanding. They said we're going there. We're gonna get jobs. They were also talking badly about President Trump. They were saying, 'If he doesn't give us jobs, we're coming into the country and gonna demand our rights!' And I said, 'What would it take for you to return home?'"
This conversation that I'm absolutely certain totally happened conveniently covers a lot of the same ground as a Trump rally -- pushy immigrants are going to steal jobs from "real" Americans, and worst of all, they don't even like Trump! We already have a majority who oppose the president! Come back later when you're ready to circle jerk him! Shockingly, they're already talking about "demanding rights" like they're enrolled at Berkeley! Conservatives don't need more people yelling at them in restaurants! WAAAAAH!
This blatant fear-mongering probably succeeded in sending Fox viewers to the polls to lock the deadbolt on America. Now the "crisis" has been averted because it never existed in the first place. That's a lot easier, I suppose, than doing anything to address lingering problems in Puerto Rico or escalating rates of gun violence.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).