Fox Doc Keith Ablow Being A Jerk To All The Lazy, Potted-Up Millennials. That Is Wonkette's Job!

You're totally harshin' my mellow, bro.

Thank goodness the great people at Fox and Friends are here to remind me that my hopes and dreams are completely useless! For awhile I was beginning to think that struggling to balance being a full-time student with working several jobs and some stupid fucking internship to pay my bills was just part of life, but apparently it's REALLY because I'm just high all the time! Gee whiz, you guys, I wish someone would have told me that before I started smoking the Devil's Lettuce! I could be well on my way to being the President!

In response to a fresh new study by Pew Research that says more 18-34-year-olds are living with their parents, the brilliant blonde, blue-eyed beautiful people at Fox brought in their resident blowhole, Keith Ablow, to do some hardcore data-journalist style mansplaining!

"More people are staying home, millennial speaking -- millennially speaking than actually moving out. For the first time in history really. Why? Number one the economy doesn't have the jobs for these people. Right? So the bottom line is everybody would like to live on their own. Everybody wants that flexibility. Doesn't matter if you have a partner or a romantic partner or not or getting married or not, you'd like your own place. Most people can't afford it. Lots of people, because the jobs aren't there. But there are other factors too."

Well, shit, I thought the reason that I had no "flexibility" was because I work three jobs and THE WORLD'S BEST unpaid internship! That's a load off my mind; I'm going to sleep like a goddamn baby tonight! Please, DOCTOR Ablow, use your fancy brain meat and psychoanalyze what the hell us kids are doing wrong so that I can tell all the other hipsters at my LIBERAL university!

"Well here's the thing. These kids are high, they're high on pot. They're high on Facebook. They're high on Twitter and Instagram and Snapchat. So they can't be bothered to cobble together three jobs. They're very busy. Right? They're very busy checking the iPhone."

First of all, you don't even work one job. I would (generously) suggest you work a part-time job, and badly I might add. Considering the current rising cost and necessity of higher of education, my peer group and I will be shackled to our student loan debt for decades, which is still not long enough for you to pull your head out of your own ass.

"You know what, as the states legalize pot it's everybody and his sister and his brother coming in for the medical marijuana license and now it’s going to be recreational. That's the Obama America. Get high, stay home, don't be autonomous. These kids are 12. This is Peter and Patty Pan land. And it was stoked by Obama and his, I would say agenda for America which is all about listen, don't have real autonomy. Don't go out there and try to cobble together and scrape what you need. You are entitled. You are entitled to all kinds of free stuff and you're fabulous even if you're not performing."

Now let's break down all those points so I can go work one of the three other jobs I'm too high to "cobble" together. Colorado netted $69 million in tax revenue between the fiscal year starting July 1, 2014, and ending June 30, 2015, and revenues from tax transfers and distributions were close to a billion (yes, "b", as in "bong") last year. 

It's using its tax revenue from the sale of mara-juanas to finance godless liberal agendas like homeless outreach, public education,scholarships for low-income students, and infrastructure projects. Court cases fell from 51.63% in 2013 to 28.01% in 2014 alone, but I guess Millennials are just too lazy to even commit crimes.

Would you look at that? Stoners actually pay their taxes!

But, we're ALL lazy and don't work "jobs," right? Well, Pew also says Millennials are the largest workforce, surpassing Generation X and Boomers, so that's another crock of shit. Unlike previous generations, Millennials don't want to spend 30 years in 9-5 dash for cash jobs because they tend to prefer careers with purpose. Millennials have to work for free, and they'll literally work themselves to death. That means some will actually work longer hours per day than you spend in the make-up chair trying not to look like dickhead.

Just wait, I'm not done sciencing the shit out of you, yet.

But, we're pathetic losers who also go back to our what's left of our broken single parents' homes to do laundry, or whatever, right? Sure, except for the part that, for those of us who can actually afford to buy homes, the National Association of Realtors says Millennials make up 30 percent of home buyers, making them the largest demographic in America today. The rest are being choked to death by student loan debt, so getting stoned in a basement is about all some can afford to do. Those lucky enough to have a choice between living with their parents and living on their own are barely are able to make rent due to skyrocketing rents nationwide. Moreover, job prospects for Millennials are abysmally low, so we may not even have shitty minimum wage jobs, regardless of the Fight for $15.

[wonkbar title="Counterpoint!"][/wonkbar]Throw me a bone and stop trying to shit on us bong-blowing social media addicts who are strung out on cheap speed from yet another 12 hour shift gig where we spit in your lattes, ruin your taxes, piss on your dry-cleaning and shit in your hotel bed because you'll need an exploitable All-American labor force when you start trying to build Trump's goddamn wall.

[Crooks and Liars, Pew Research]

Dominic Gwinn

Dominic is a broke journalist in Chicago. You can find him in a dirty bar talking to weirdos, or in a gutter taking photos.


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