As you may have heard, a Florida State sportsball nickelback, De'Andre Johnson, was dropped from the sportsball team this week after surveillance video showed him punching a woman in the face in a June incident. (Johnson's attorney says the incident was sparked when the woman called Johnson a racial epithet). But gosh, what does Fox News "Medical A-Team" member Dr. Keith Ablow think about all this? He thinks it's just what happens when ladies want equality, which is pretty obvious if you think about it with Keith Ablow's strangely misshapen cerebral cortex.

Steve Doocy metaphorically lobbed the sportsball straight to Ablow so he could flail away at it with the force of a Sumo wrestler attempting ballet:

Doocy: We all know a man should never hit a woman, right?

Ablow: Well that’s what I was raised with Steve, and I still go with that philosophy, but you know what?

This is where astute viewers familiar with the "thought processes" of Keith Ablow will lunge for either the remote or the cheap whiskey, or both.

That may be an antiquated notion if you look at our culture, which has just in a wholesale way dispensed with all gender quote-unquote "stereotypes." But in fact, what I think they’re trying to do is dispense with the idea of gender differences. And there are differences.

You know, they keep doing that. Probably the same monsters who put nail polish on 3-year-old boys' toes to TURN THEM GAY.

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Ah, but Ablow's just getting started on all the crimes that have been committed against Womanhood in the name of "equality." Well, maybe not "women" so much as dames, broads, girls, gals, and the Fairer Sex:

No you don’t hit girls. That’s a nice notion -- I like using the word "girls." I'm not going to stop -- And I don’t much like it when, for instance, when high school wrestlers have to forfeit a match if they don’t wrestle a girl on the other team. That’s ridiculous. Who would want to wrestle a girl?

Yeah, really! That's what wrong with Our Modern Society of Today! Also, it makes women mannish, and before you know it they start having opinions of their own, not to mention chest hair. But wasn't the woman, who slapped Johnson in the face first, provoking him, and just getting a punch back like any man in a bar brawl would? After noting that maybe Johnson was funny in the head from too many hits on the football field, Ablow got back to the real problem: ladies and gentlemen simply not knowing where the boundaries are anymore:

And yet it’s so unattractive. It’s so beyond the pale, that you’d say "listen, this is an outlying case, this is a guy who's supposed to acquit himself with decorum." And so look, if those are facts that need to come out in the legal process, they should.

Um. Facts? Head injury, or the decorum stuff? You're losing us here, Keith, which is kind of your job anyway, but it's still annoying. Finally, after his imaginary detour into how something might be a factor in the legal process, Ablow gets back to his stock in trade: America is going down the tubes because we have abandoned the Old Ways:

And I think that to this extent that we are now saying boys and girls they’re no different. Listen, equality doesn’t mean equivalence. You don’t hit girls. And it’s a new era where you know people think it’s just fine, let ’em play ice hockey with the boys and wrestle with the boys. Why? Why would we be doing that?”

In the "big picture," offered Brian Kilmeade, maybe all this girls-doing-sports is what's making college sportsball players hit women at bars.

Absolutely. It’s gonna happen more and more, that’s why you get YouTube videos of girls, gangs of girls, getting in brawls with other girls. This didn’t happen before. Was it so terrible when you bought the pink bear for the girl and the blue one for the boy? Was it awful? Or did we have an idea in mind culturally that was actually working, and someone ripped it apart.

We'll leave aside for the moment the inconvenient detail that pink and blue as feminine and masculine identifiers are only about a century old, because Keith's on a roll. just look at the nightmarish hellscape that's unleashed! Girl gangs! Women fighter pilots! Boys who like My Little Pony! Cats and dogs living together! Elisabeth Hasselbeck seemed skeptical, asking if girls doing sports could really be to blame for drunk college sportsball players slugging ladies at bars. Ablow quickly put her in her place:

Listen, if you're saying that it's just fine to flip a girl onto her back in a wrestling match, and pin her to the ground and take some joy in that -- well then I guess if you're in a bar and she slaps you, you punch her in the face. Not in Ablow's world, because you'd never be wrestling her to begin with.

Happily, since Ablow was on a remote feed, he didn't have to hold Hasselbeck down and physically silence her, but she was way out of line.

We're going to write a self-help book, we think, and it's simply going to consist of this advice: To lead a happy, well-adjusted life, simply think and do the exact opposite of virtually anything recommended by Fox News human trailer hitch and worst "psychiatrist" in the world, Dr. Keith Ablow. It's like when George Costanza thrived and blossomed by doing everything the non-Costanza way. That, plus we'd put some kittens with amusing sayings under them. It'd be GOLD, JERRY! GOLD!

[MediaMatters / ESPN / RawStory / Smithsonian]