Hard-hitting journalism.

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt, the goons who inhabit the idiot couch on "Fox & Friends," are doing important journalism. Thursday morning was no different, as they invited Suzanne Venker (niece of Dead Phyllis Schlafly) on to tell silly ladies how to act. It's a schtick she's had going for a while now! Here she is pining for the days when it was legal for a man to fuck his wife, and here she is saying chicks should get married "because you can't take your paycheck to bed with you," and here she is saying little boys are oppressed because they have to sit still in school, and then bigger boys are oppressed when they go to college and have to suffer the indignity of women playing sports and not wanting to be raped.

You feel where she's coming from? The "Fox & Friends" idiots sure did this morning!

BRIAN KILMEADE (CO-HOST): You think women are doing something wrong, in what way?

What are they NOT doing wrong? That is what Brian Kilmeade wants to know.

SUZANNE VENKER: I think that, ultimately, what women are struggling with -- especially what I'm calling the “alpha women" ... they struggle getting in touch with their feminine side. That, ultimately, this is a book about helping women, like myself [...] talking about my experience and my own mother growing up who was very much an alpha and never could shift out of that mode, and it caused a lot of problems. There was a lot of contention there.

Did her mother play sports and sometimes not want to fuck her dad when she had a migraine?

Venker explained that when a man and a woman start dating, he is the "alpha" and she is the "beta," because he calls her on the phone to ask for dates and he pays for all the dinners and then he asks her to marry him. Brian Kilmeade sought clarification, asking, "Unless it's a Sadie Hawkins dance, right?" Venker confirmed that Sadie Hawkins dances work different.

But apparently after a marriage gets going, that's when things go to hell:

VENKER: I think what happens over time after you have been married a really long time, especially once kids come into the picture, is that women get into this mode of just sort of micromanaging everything. They're working, they’re not working, but if they’re not working they’re raising their kids, so they’re working at that, and therefore they’re micromanaging that. And that's all fine, but if they don't switch over into wife mode, kind of back where they were when you started, I think the relationship begins to deteriorate.

STEVE DOOCY (CO-HOST): So the beta becomes an alpha, and then the man becomes confused, and maybe she should be the beta?

VENKER: Yes, precisely.

You hear that, ladies? After you've gone to work and picked up the kids and cooked dinner and helped with homework and done all the laundry, you've got to make an effort to be sweet, sexxxy and compliant for your big strong man, who is perfect just the way he is.

AINSLEY EARHARDT (CO-HOST): Can you give us some tips? Please?

The Fox News blonde lady was dead serious when she asked for tips. Venker responded by pulling out some batteries, to demonstrate how boys have a penis and girls have a vagina:

VENKER: This is my prop to show that in order for batteries to work you need the positive and the negative energy to go together. Right?

DOOCY: OK. Two positives not good. Two negatives not good.

VERY GOOD JOB, STEVE DOOCY! You "Fox & Friends" boys are even smarter today than you were that time y'all couldn't figure out why sharks live in the ocean all the time!

So what happens is if ladies are alphas and dudes are alphas (and they ARE, because of their testosterone!) then the batteries of the marriage don't work good, and she guesses the dude could be more feminine, but fuck that nancy-boy noise.

Ainsley Earhardt asked how ladies who are "powerful" and "strong" at work should behave themselves when they come home to their strapping husbands, and this is what Venker said:

VENKER: The husband needs from the woman softness instead of hardness. So happiness instead of anger. Being more compliant and less dictatorial. Basically not telling him what to do. I don't know how else to put it.

AND NO NAGGING! No, for real, Brian Kilmeade said nagging is the worst, and Venker agreed, noting that her own husband calls it "directing his traffic" when she is being an unruly bad wife, because apparently he thinks she's a school crossing guard.

What's the moral of this story, Suzanne Venker?

VENKER: Men are so simple to love. All they want is sex, companionship and respect. And women are so complicated that they need a whole lot more. But they don't realize how easy it is if you tap into that femininity to get that man to be more receptive to what you want.

DOOCY: It's so simple!

VENKER: It's so simple!

And everybody laughed and agreed that boys should be able to leave their socks on the floor, which led Brian Kilmeade to declare Suzanne Venker a "reasonable woman," unlike sluts who want equal pay and yell at boys about leaving their socks on the floor.

[Media Matters]