'Fox & Friends' Won't Know Which Potato Head To Buy If They Can't See Its Tater Tot!

Culture Wars
'Fox & Friends' Won't Know Which Potato Head To Buy If They Can't See Its Tater Tot!

You just knew that today, a large part of "Fox & Friends," the stupidest morning show on the planet for the stupidest people on the planet, was going to be devoted to Mr. Potato Head's genitals and the liberals who are trying to take them away.

Bobby Lewis over there at Media Matters, he livetweeted it, because that's what he is forced to do for his job.

CLIP ONE: Steve Doocy, with dramatic opening music like he's breaking an actual news story, suggesting Hasbro faced HUGE BACKLASH and maybe did a "MAJOR CORPORATE U-TURN" when it announced it was "losing the MISTER from MISTER POTATO HEAD." (As Lewis notes, the original press release always said Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head were still going to exist, but that they were rebranding the line as simply "Potato Head." Steve Doocy is a goddamned fucking moron.)

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CLIP TWO: Some other Fox News idiot says this "news of a semi-gender-less potato" is happening AT THE SAME TIME as a California bill that will put toy stores IN JAIL if they have separate boy and girl toy sections. Why? Because wingnuts are losing their everloving shit right now about gender issues, because that is the culture war du jour for these paste-eating fools.

What do three- and four-year-olds think about this? asks the Fox News idiot, with a straight face.

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CLIP THREE: Ainsley Earhardt is freaked out, y'all. Like, what if she had a boy Potato Head already and she wanted a girl Potato Head, we're guessing so she can make them kiss a lot while making loud smooching noises and banging their naked plastic potato bodies together, but she got to the store and it just said "Potato Head"? HOW WOULD SHE KNOW WHICH ONE TO BUY? Earhardt didn't ask this, but we wouldn't be surprised if she was worried it would turn her original Mr. Potato Head into a homosexual. (It says on the box whether it is Mr. or Mrs. Potato Head. That never changed, no matter how much Fox News says it did, or how much they try to manufacture something that didn't happen into a "win" for their side of the culture wars.)

For some reason, while Earhardt is talking, Brian Kilmeade interjects to clarify that she also has to have the MONEY to go get the girl Potato Head. Maybe Ainsley Earhardt always forgets her money or something, and this is a "Fox & Friends" inside joke? FUCK IF WE CARE.

At that point, the Fox News idiot who was talking about the "semi-gender-less potato" clarifies for Ainsley Earhardt -- presumably that she may sleep tonight without being tormented by nightmares of genderless potatoes (THEY DIDN'T HAVE GENITALS TO BEGIN WITH, YOU WEIRDOES! AND THEY ARE LITERALLY THE SAME BEFORE YOU START DRESSING THEM UP!) -- that the boxes still say which Potato Head you are getting, Mr. or Mrs. So relax, Ainsley Earhardt.

Finally, Steve Doocy one more time perpetuates the lie that Hasbro had accidentally dug itself into a "potato hole," and was FORCED by pantshitting Fox News viewers, we guess, to "backtrack" on its idea to force Nonbinary Potato Heads down the throat of every American child.

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This is what Fox's morning "news" show is about. If somebody you know watches this show and thinks it's good, this is part of why their brain is broken.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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