Fox Jerks So Glad That Nice Hurricane Matthew Came And Made It Harder For Dems To Vote
Lazy Democrat Mama Bear can't even change out of her nightie to vote.
Conservatives are having a bit of a hard time figuring out how to feel about this whole Hurricane Matthew situation? Was it caused by the gays? ALMOST DEFINITELY. Is it a thing made up by a bunch of mean scientists and government people and media people and lizard people and Dead Colonel Sanders just to try and make Rush Limbaugh and Matt Drudge believe in "climate change," which definitely doesn't exist? THAT TOO!
But some are seeing the brighter side of this natural disaster, and that is that it will make it harder for all those lazy Democrats to register to vote!
Earlier today, Florida Governor/Judge Doom impersonator Rick Scott rejected a request by the Clinton campaign for the state to extend voter registration on account of Hurricane Matthew making it difficult for people to do so. Scott's explanation for this was largely "Whatever, those suckers could have done it before so I don't really care if they can't register now."
"Everybody has had a lot of time to register. On top of that, we have lots of opportunities to vote: early voting, absentee voting, Election Day. So I don't intend to make any changes."
On Stuart Varney's Fox Business show, Varney and Tucker Carlson suggested that this could mean that the hurricane could help secure a win for Donald Trump in Florida, since Democrats are just lazy do-nothings who register at the last minute and won't bother voting if they are inconvenienced in some way.
“I mean, look, the conventional view, and I think it’s right, is that anything that makes voting more difficult hurts the Democrats because their voters tend to be less committed — and there may be other factors there too,” Carlson said. “It favors people who are organized, who know what they’re voting for, who have their lives together. I mean, I guess you could say that favors the Republicans.”
Varney agreed with Carlson’s assessment, although he made sure to try to sound somewhat empathetic to people who are potentially having their homes destroyed by a massive hurricane.
“My initial reaction is to say that it favors the Republicans,” he said. “I hate to be — I think that sounds almost crass to be making political judgments when the storm is still hitting… but nonetheless, I think that’s where it's going.”
Almost crass. It sounds almost crass. It would only be totally crass if they said they hoped that only Democrats would die or be seriously injured in the storm.
Of course, there is kind of a problem with this theory they've got going on, and that is that there are actually more registered Democrats in the United States than registered Republicans. So I guess their fear is that if we outnumber them with registered voters already, we must also outnumber them with unregistered voters, and that the vast majority of people in the United States actually do not want Republicans in charge of anything. One would have to assume that if they thought their schtick appealed to the majority of the country that they would be totally fine with efforts to increase voter registration and make voting easier.
Yet, it does work well within the framework of the other theories about Hurricane Matthew. YOU SEE, God was probably thinking "Oh man, what a great idea I have! I'll send this fairly mild storm down to Florida to indicate my disapproval of gay people, and simultaneously make it more difficult for Democrats to vote, since those lazy jerks will never put forth the effort to open an umbrella and go outside in the rain to do democracy! Two birds, one stone!" so he sent the storm down to Florida.
Then, all of the people who regularly conspire to ruin Matt Drudge's day figured out what God was up to, and decided to counter this effort by trying to convince people that it was actually a super bad and dangerous hurricane, so that people will believe in climate change. THEN, when people believe in climate change, they will enact all kinds of policies to protect the environment. And then God will be SUPER pissed because he really likes it when people do stuff to harm the planet he made, which is why he made all the stuff that works good for fuel so bad for the environment in the first place. DUH.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. Previously, she was a Senior Staff Writer at Death & Taxes, and Assistant Editor at The Frisky (RIP). Currently, she writes for Wonkette, Friendly Atheist, Quartz and other sites. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse