Fox News And GOP Idiots Fixin' To Destroy FBI Because Sexting Agents Forgot To Say 'LOL!'

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Oh man, the Trump-loving GOP is watching one of its rage-jizzing conspiracy theories fall apart in record time. On Wednesday, we wrote about how Fox News seems to literally be trying to get innocent people killed, broadcasting the faces of KNOWN SEXTERS Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, both of whom worked on the Robert Mueller investigation for approximately five minutes, many months ago, because NEW EXCLUSIVE SEXTS revealed that, on top of their incessant extramarital fucking, Strzok and Page were literally creating a "secret society" within the FBI to hold off-campus meetings for the purpose of somehow destroying Donald Trump. Even before we saw the actual sext in question, we were pretty sure they were kiddin' around, like FBI agents who fuck each other all the time are wont to do.

Here, for the record, is what was sexted, by Lisa Page, to Peter Strzok, the day after the election:

Are you even going to give out your calendars? Seems kind of depressing. Maybe it should just be the first meeting of the secret society.


Um, yeah, but otherwise, it's pretty clear they were just being silly. The New York Times adds even more context, 'splaining that the team who had been investigating Trump and Russia had bought some Russian calendars, as a joke, to give as presents to their colleagues. But now, SADFACE, maybe they would just give them to folks at the first meeting of the secret society. :(


None of this stopped wingnut GOP Reps. Trey Gowdy and John Ratcliffe from going on Fox News and yelling "ACTUAL SECRET SOCIETY TO TAKE DOWN TRUMP, THIS IS NOT A JOKE, NO HOMO!" This did not stop Sean Hannity from tweeting "ACTUAL SECRET SOCIETY TO TAKE DOWN TRUMP, THIS IS NOT A JOKE, NO HOMO!"

(Those are not exact quotes. Or are they????)

This did not stop Matt Gaetz, current title-holder for both "dumbest freshman congressman in the whole House GOP" and "most freakishly proportioned head in the entire Congress," from opening his giant face and saying much of the same.

It didn't stop Lou Dobbs and Breitbart and the Daily Caller and Stupidest Man On The Internet Jim Hoft and pretty much every other person you can think of who probably should be required by law to wear a helmet and kneepads for their own protection.

And didn't stop Ron Johnson, a UNITED STATES SENATOR from Wisconsin, from going on the Fox News to scaremonger about an "informant" who said there was a "secret society" that conducts "off-site meetings" to ... MURDER THE PRESIDENT, WE GUESS?

I mean, Jesus.

Indeed, according to Lis Power from Media Matters, Fox News, by itself, said "SECRET SOCIETY SECRET SOCIETY SECRET SOCIETY!" upwards of 20 times this week, but now that everybody knows it was a joke, the network strangely hasn't corrected its shitty "reporting." Then again, when does it ever? (Never is when.)

Wellllll, Ron Johnson has changed his tune a li'l bit! We guess Mitch McConnell made fun of him in the communal showers in the Senate locker room for acting like a common member of the House of Representatives, so Johnson started to walk it back Wednesday:

And now he's walked that shit allllll the way back:



Now, do all stupid Republicans now understand what "joke" is? Fuck no, are you new here? For an example of the genre, simply search the name of Trump idiot "Michael Caputo" on Twitter right now to see everybody making fun of him for going on Katy Tur's show in the past hour and acting all like, "A JOKE???? A JOKE?!?!?! YOU THINK SAYING SECRET SOCIETY ABOUT MY BEAUTIFUL MASCULINE PRESIDENT IS A JOKE?!?!?!?!?!" (He also said the FBI is the KGB now, because obviously.)

In other Hot Hard FBI Sexting News, the other thing Fox News spunk wads and elected GOP jackholes have been braying about this week is that the FBI lost some of the Strzok/Page sexts because of a technical glitch, which is a tragedy for all voyeuristic Republicans everywhere, who like to fiddle with their peens while they read DEEP STATE SEXTS. Even the Dipshit In Chief tweeted to express his reasoned skepticism that a so-called technical glitch was involved, because C'MON YOU GUYS, I'M LIKE A STABLE GENIUS, OK? CAN'T FOOL ME!

But then something happened Wednesday night, which led to a Sean Hannity SEXCLUSIVE:

And now?


According to Politico, the DOJ was able to recover them using "forensic tools," which are much more helpful in solving "technical glitches" than they are in EXPOSING SECRET ILLUMINATI HILLARY SEXT-PIRACIES AT THE FBI! We're just sayin'.

Good game, Trump idiots. Participation trophies all around.

Now let's wait for the next Mueller investigation shoe to drop and stop talking about these dumb motherfuckers, OK? OK.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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