Fox News, F*ck Your Feelings
House Democrats impeached Donald Trump yesterday, and Fox News is real mad. Everyone on that silly network thinks it's so unfair. Republicans never impeached Barack Obama, and there was far more compelling evidence that he was black.
Tucker Carlson couldn't even get through Adam Schiff's floor speech last night. He cut away, declaring, "That's enough of that." Carlson suggested viewers go online if they were interested in Schiff's full remarks or real news in general. His guest, Bret Baier, had earlier called Trump's impeachment the "only partisan — pure partisan impeachment vote in the history of the United States." This is not true, and if Fox hosts are going to rewrite history, they might as well say Trump was never impeached at all. It was just a wonderful dream Democrats had, like Hillary Clinton's inauguration.
During her white power hour on Tuesday, Laura Ingraham called impeachment a "three-ring flop," because it's, you know, a circus.
INGRAHAM: [Impeachment] has all of the feels of like a second-rate traveling circus that camps out in the old fairgrounds of your town, but then it never leaves. You have the jugglers, kind of half-baked jugglers, and kind of uneasy tightrope walkers.
Wow. She took that metaphor further than anyone needed. She must've had high hopes for the circus as a child and was really disappointed. Maybe that was the turning point for her. Her soul shriveled up and died when she realized the "strong man" was wearing a padded suit.
Last night, after the impeachment vote, Ingraham described Democrats as a bunch of liars and even worse actors. She pushed the popular right-wing fantasy that Democrats only impeached Trump because they couldn't beat a president with an underwater approval rating who defames dead congressmen from swing states. She literally ended a segment about "cowardly" Democrats with a random clip of a chicken. The bearded lady is better entertainment.
This morning on "Fox & Friends," Ainsley Earhardt dismissed impeachment as just "political." Nothing gets past her. That was about all she could contribute because the men to her right and her other right kept talking over her. Pete Hegseth suffered a complete mental collapse on air. He acted like a child who'd just figured out Santa was a scam.
HEGSETH: It's all fake. The whole thing is fake. The investigation was fake. The trial was fake. Everyone knows what the outcome is going to be. The solemn nature, the sadness, the prayerfulness — it's all fake. Everyone sees through it.
Earhardt later mocked Nancy Pelosi when she chastised members of her caucus for cheering Trump's impeachment. In the conservative mind, Pelosi wasn't demonstrating that she took impeachment as seriously as she'd alway said. No, it just proved she was a big hypocrite.
EARHARDT: Don't you cheer. I told you not to … Don't do it in public. you can cheer when you go back behind closed doors. Don't cheer because everyone is watching.
The "fuck your feelings" crowd is really sensitive. They're horrified that Democrats could on any level enjoy impeaching a corrupt and cruel president. Any public expression of pleasure over finally taking down their white whale reveals Democrats had it in for Trump all along. If they want Americans to believe impeachment was truly a last resort, they should only show somber regret, like Melania Trump on her wedding night.
Republicans were especially pissed that Adam Schiff enjoyed a well-deserved nice dinner out on Tuesday. Trump might be content with Big Mac attacks but most people splurge a little when they finish a big project. Prosecutors don't fast after successfully convicting someone.
Odds are firmly in Trump's favor that he'll remain in office because his personal Santa Baby, Mitch McConnell, is gonna stick a sham trial under the tree. He's never been in any real legal or physical jeopardy. Republicans want to complain about Democrats taking selfies after impeaching Trump, but this is the same president who went out of his way to protect an accused war criminal who posed with a prisoner's corpse. We have no problem with our congressional "war fighters" celebrating Trump's shame however they see fit.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).