Put aside everything you thought you knew about what Fox News halfwits believe about Hunter Biden. You know, stuff like TWITTER FILESHUNTER BIDEN LAPTOPBIGGUS DONGUSRIGGED ELECTIONPEEN HONKERBURISMA CHINAUKRAINELAPTOP TYRANNO-BONER REX AIYEEEEEEEEEEEE!

All of that is good and normal and full of sane and quanitifiable allegations, full of verbs, about who Hunter Biden is and actions he may have taken. Obviously Joe Biden is guilty by association, because he loves his son. And we are sure the new Republican Congress and House Oversight Committee Chair James Comer will heavy-breathe all over all of it and get to the REAL truth.

But the conspiracy theories are gettin' kinda weird.

Yesterday, Sean Hannity was talking about how Hunter Biden has been naked a bunch of times (read: DICK), and Joe Biden knew about it, and other countries knew about it (translation: BIG WANG-A-LANG), and in the process he made the strangest allegation:

HANNITY: The amount of money, the sheer amount of money, and a number of countries and Joe's outright lie about never having discussed this with Hunter are now coming to light. Now there's going to be pushback because they have now hired, you know, SWAT teams and are creating a war room to slander and smear and attack every single solitary person that either reports it or is investigating it.

Hate it when Joe Biden hires the SWAT team to come after everybody who investigates the creature who lives in Hunter Biden's underpants.

That's, you know, that's Democratic politics 101.

First thing you learn.

That's who they are.

Sounds like 'em.

That's what they do.

That's how they do.

So we have to know this, understand this fully. And, you know, I think it's pretty obvious what's going on.

Oh, totally obvious!

So that was cool.

Also yesterday afternoon Jesse Watters was on his Fox News show, and we cannot emphasize enough how literally every word out of his mouth about Hunter Biden would sound like absolute nonsense to normal people. As in, you visit a mental hospital and this is what you overhear in the playroom.

Questions, assertions and wild speculations from Jesse Watters in this clip:

• Did FBI and CIA work for Joe Biden?
• OR DID HUNTER BIDEN WORK FOR FBI AND CIA?
• Is Hunter Biden FBI asset?
• Does Hunter Biden know he is FBI asset?
• Did Hunter Biden give the CIA intel?
• Was Hunter "doggy biscuit" to "lure in the Chinese"?
• Is China into that sort of thing?
• Sorry, that last one was Wonkette's question.
• All this "certainly makes sense," says Jesse!
• Trump got impeached "the second he started zeroing in on the Biden family corruption in Ukraine," after all!
• Also makes sense the intel community covered up THE LAPTOP!

Sweet Jesus, that's a lot.

It's amazing that these people are so stupid they still think the Biden Ukraine conspiracy theories, the ones Trump tried to use to extort Ukraine into helping him steal the 2020 election, are real. Because that's what Jesse Watters is talking about there, Trump wanting Volodymyr Zelenskyy to do him a favor though, and investigate the fever dreams he found in his shart clouds about Hunter Biden in Ukraine. Trump's PERFECT CALL! Trump's RELEASE THE TRANSCRIPT!

There is not much in the world that is stupider than people who are still brainwashed by all that.

Trump's Ukraine 'Transcript' Is Real, And It Is BUGF*CK

But anyway, we guess these aren't really new Hunter Biden conspiracy theories. They're the same old batshit, just rearranged in new ways,.

And again, none of this makes sense to normal people. To normal people, it sounds like somebody spiked these people's protein shakes with paint thinner.

And yet they wonder why the American people tell them to get fucked in just about every election these days.

It is a mystery.

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter right here!

And once that doesn't exist, I'm also giving things a go at the Mastodon (@evanhurst@newsie.social) and at Post!

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