Fox News Is Gonna Kill Your Nana Before This Is All Over
Fox News has dedicated itself to downplaying the coronavirus crisis. It's a sharp change from when the network's regular programming warned its viewers daily about how the plague of Obamacare would kill us all. Now, everyone at Fox is brimming with optimism in the midst of a global pandemic. It's as if the network exists solely to make Donald Trump feel better about the steaming pile he's made of the country.
Friday on "Fox & Friends," Ainsley Earhardt declared that it's actually "the safest time to fly," rather than hiding under the bed crying. It's hard to tell if this statement was a just a shameless lie or the product of a traumatic brain injury. That's an ongoing issue when trying to make sense of anything Earhardt says.
Passenger demand for flights has plummeted in the past few weeks. Delta Airlines reported “net negative" bookings for the next month. This means more people are canceling flights than booking them. Delta cut 40 percent of its flight capacity, the most in history. But, hey, on the upside, that means no sucky middle seats, am I right?
EARHARDT: Everyone I know that's flying now, terminals are pretty much dead. Ghost towns. And the planes ... remember back in the day when you had a seat next to you, possibly empty? You could stretch out a little more. It's like that on every flight now.
It wasn't that long ago that you occasionally had an empty seat next to you. I'm unclear why Earhardt thinks it was “back in the day" like she's reminiscing about 1990s R&B dance hits. Also, why is the seat “possibly empty"? She's not sitting next to Schrödinger's passenger.
Co-host Steve Doocy was visibly confused and asked Earhardt what she meant. She explained how when she used to fly "years ago," planes weren't always full. Earhardt was born in 1976 not 1946, but it still seemed like she was about to break out into “Glory Days."
Earhardt is looking at the bright side of the coronavirus, and she thinks extra elbow room is one of the many positives that comes from recklessly endangering the health of yourself and those around you. It's true a lot of people still need to travel right now for legitimate reasons, but Earhardt seems to think -- if that's the correct word -- a global pandemic is the ideal time to check out Cheaptickets.com. C'mon, lady, old white people are watching this and believe the stupid words that come out of your mouth. I don't know why, but still, you have a certain responsibility.
Doocy added the “if you act now!" part of this impromptu airline infomercial. He claimed when his wife flew that week, every seat on the plane was taken.
EARHARDT: People were leaving New York to head to Florida!
DOOCY: Well, wouldn't you?
No, I wouldn't subject my possibly infected self on random people in an airport, airplane, and even Florida. I would just hunker down in New York, where I could get better Chinese food delivered. It's possible that no one on the "Fox & Friends" panel understands how viruses spread.
Laura Ingraham, Fox's prime time hatemonger, also tried to sell people on airline travel. Maybe she has stock in Delta.
For the billionth time, it's not that you aren't “at risk" for catching the coronavirus. You're just probably not at (possible) risk for dying from it. Even the normal flu sucks, and there's at least a vaccine that helps prevent its spread. You can also carry the coronavirus and infect at-risk people. Ingraham really thought some disinfectant wipes would protect her on a sealed plane with recycled air where she's never not within six inches of someone else.
Jesus Fucking Christ.
Ingraham was shamed enough that she took down her tweet, and that says a lot for a woman who doesn't experience shame, as far as we can tell.
Fox News actually banned all non-essential travel for its employees last Monday. I guess the on-air talent missed that email.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).