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Teach us how to fight the gunmen, Elisabeth.


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Did we not just finish yelling at Elisabeth "Shouldn't You Be Leaving Now?" Hasselbeck for doing something stupid on the "Fox & Friends" television program? Yes, yes we did. But apparently she wasn't done, because during that same broadcast, Captain Brain Squad invited krav maga instructors on to show kids how to run headlong into gunfire and beat up active shooters who have, you know, big guns.

Because really, kids, you wanna get made fun of in gym class for being a pussy who hides? Hasselbeck notes, "In an active shooter situation, five seconds can mean the difference between life and death. But there are some things that you can do, and your children can do, to make a difference."

Sweet Jesus, watch this:

Let's live-blog the video, how about? A little play-by-play "How Not To Respond To An Active Shooter, No Matter What Fox Says" type thing?

0:00-1:30: Elisabeth yaps in the Permitted Fox Blonde Fashion about what her producers have telled her to say.

1:30: Young krav maga children explain they have drills at school where they learn how to hide and protect themselves, which, as Media Matters sexplains, is what you are SUPPOSED to do:

The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has specific guidelines on how to act when one's life is threatened in a shooting situation. The first objective is to evacuate, and if you cannot evacuate, objective two is to find a hiding place: "If evacuation is not possible, find a place to hide where the active shooter is less likely to find you."

Sounds like that's based on tried and true facts, so it's probably a liberal conspiracy.

2:00: Fuck that noise, Hasselbeck wants a lesson in Bum-rushing Shooters, For Kids!

2:30: Completely serious demonstration of how a child can just come up behind a shooter and disarm him (OR HER, as we are A Ally) in two seconds.

3:15: Completely serious explanation of how the small child, having now ninja-ed the military-grade weapon out of the crazed shooter's hand, must now "take him out." For real, sayeth the krav maga teacher:

You're not going to actually try to get away until you actually make sure that you've done some damage to him, because if you don't he'll just pursue you.

Yeah, hit 'im with your Trapper Keeper or your Kaboodle! He won't chase you then or maybe he will, but at least you didn't wimp out.

3:30: Hasselbeck asks how small children should go about taking out TWO wild-eyed gunmen. The nice krav maga instructor casually mentions running away and hiding, then barrels past that into another demonstration of Kids Kickin' Ass.

AND SCENE.

Your little seven-year-old Kaitlyns and Madisons are probably kung fu masters like Sydney Bristow on "Alias," or maybe they fight more like Buffy Summers (all little girls are different), so as long as they follow these easy steps, they should be taking down heavily armed 200-pound men wearing tactical gear in no time. Thanks, Fox! And Elisabeth, be sure to teach this to your little Hassel-bears when your job is over and you are never on our television ever again, hopefully.

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Little children, please gather around and pay attention: Do not listen to Elisabeth Hasselbeck and the Fox News limp-dicked fantasies about being The Badass in the middle of a mass shooting. Do not listen to Ben Carson talking about how he kept himself from getting shooted at the Popeyes Organization, or how he would attack a gunman with his brain if he were in that situation. Do not listen to the Oath Keepers militia what says if you don't fight back, then you are kinda sorta complicit in whatever happens to you, even if that is death. Run. Find a place to hide! THAT is your best chance.

Listen to yr Wonkette, which never lies, which is never, ever wrong, and is way smarter than that bonkerfarts Hasselbeck lady.

Glad we had this talk.

[Media Matters]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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