If you do not live in the alternate reality that comes with being a dedicated watcher of Fox News, you may not be aware that these are the top stories in the country right now:

1. War on Christmas, duh, like this mall Santa wouldn't give a kid a Nerf gun and now that kid won't get any Nerf guns, just kidding he got some, but not from Santa, who is real. And that is the story of how Baby Jesus got crucified, again, ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

2. Hunter Biden. Hunterbidenhunterbidenhunterbiden. Schmunter Schliden. Funter Wyden. No, it is not laptop, it is that the Biden transition announced that Hunter Biden was notified that Trump's slobbering Justice Department has sicced no less than FOUR US ATTORNEYS on Hunter and related entities, because apparently that's how scared Donald Trump was of running against Joe Biden. Hell, he got impeached for trying to extort a foreign government into making up dirt on the Bidens, including Hunter. (Surprise, looks like they ain't found shit on Hunter.) Anyway, far from the "fraud" Trump alleges, Trump knew damn fucking well Joe Biden would annihilate the everloving shit out of him. And he did.

3. Did you know Eric Swalwell used to know a Chinese spy lady and she looked at him one time like five years ago? (No, not Ivanka Trump's BFF Wendi Deng Murdoch who is rumored to be a Chinese spy, this is a different Chinese spy.) Did you know his dad and brother were still Facebook friends with the Chinese spy lady until just recently, and maybe even gave her coins in one of those dumb fake Facebook games with a name like "DogVille"? Did you know the Chinese spy lady banged some midwestern mayors? Did you know the Chinese spy lady liked a thing Eric Swalwell's brother posted one time, in 2016? Did you know Eric Swalwell ... quit talking to her when the FBI was like "that's a spy"? Did you know ... ERIC DID YOU FUCK HER? DID YOU GIVE HER STATE SECRETS, AND BY "STATE SECRETS" WE MEAN "STATE SECRETS" IS PROBABLY YOUR NICKNAME FOR YOUR PENIS?


Anyway, it's pretty clear this only leaked, all these many years later, because Trump assholes leaked it to Axios to hurt Swalwell, and probably to give Fox News something to talk about.

Which brings us back where we started. Those are the top three stories in the country right now, according to Fox News.

NOT a top story on Fox News? Oh, just that we have a 9/11-grade event every single day now, as Americans die by the thousands from the pandemic Donald Trump spread through America with his malevolent incompetence.

Lis Power from Media Matters reported that as of this morning, around 9 a.m., Fox News hadn't mentioned that. An hour later they had said "Hunter" 95 times, "Swalwell" 56 times, and mentioned the thing about THREE-THOUSAND DEAD AMERICANS PER DAY twice. By noon, they were up to a grand total of 20 seconds of talking about THREE-THOUSAND DEAD AMERICANS PER DAY, but had spent over an hour on ERIC DID YOU FUCK HER? (They were presumably not asking TULSI DID YOU FUCK HER because Fox News likes Tulsi.)

On top of how Fox News doesn't like talking about Donald Trump's pandemic death count, they really don't like it when you mention that they aren't talking about Donald Trump's pandemic death count. On today's "Outnumbered," idiot host Harris Faulkner hit the damn fainting couch when Fox News contributor Marie Harf had the audacity, during what was at last a segment about coronavirus, to point out that she was glad they were finally talking about it, 43 minutes into the program.

Skip to 3:50 for Faulkner's assclown shitfit:

Faulkner was just very mad because she felt like Harf "took a shot at us." She continued, "If you don't think that our hearts are big enough to mourn for the people who we have lost during this pandemic, what are you trying to say? That is offensive, and it is not true." That's right, Fox News's heart is big enough to care about the War on Christmas, Hunter Biden's imaginary crimes, ERIC DID YOU FUCK HER, and also once every nine hours or so mention that America has a 9/11 every day now because of Donald Trump. Of course, Fox News won't say it that way, but they guess they'll mention that those Americans died occasionally.

Their hearts are THAT BIG.

FAULKNER: Keep your judgment someplace where you know you can factcheck it, because you can't see my heart!

Gooooooooo fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck youuuuuuuurselllllllllllllllf.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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