Fox With Day's MOST TOP News: That Geraldo Rivera Wants To Bone On Ivanka Trump
Will 'JaGeroVanka' become a thing? Ew.
Yesterday was another big weird news day, what with former Trump aide Sam Nunberg drunk-dialing CNN, MSNBC, and the Farm Report (to say he just can't stop fuckin' that chicken, and also he'll never betray Roger Stone). Just more of the crazy shit that's come to dominate the news since we fell into that wormhole that made us the crapsack alternate universe that some future space hero will have to escape from. (Our Spock won't even have a goatee. It'll be a wispy combover that emits tribble mating calls.) What we are saying here is that it was a decidedly noisy if not very enlightening news day on two of the major cable networks. Thank Crom SOME outlets, like all of Fox's top evening shows, had the good sense not to even touch that poor man having a public meltdown. As Media Matters senior researcher Andrew Lawrence documented on the Twitters, the "most watched block in cable news" was instead dominated by something really important: The ratings for the Oscars were down this year, which means America has had enough of the Liberal Hollywood Elites and all their politically correct montages, yay! The screenshots don't lie:
Thank goodness the message got through to the Viewer In Chief:
Also, Thymey Loris weighed in:
Tomi Lahren describes her entire career in 7 seconds pic.twitter.com/Xw55OdONZ5— Brendan Karet ? (@bad_takes) March 6, 2018
And they're not funny. I think that's the biggest crime here, is that they're not funny. They try so hard to be funny, and they're still -- not funny.
Oh, but beyond America's final complete rejection forever of Hollywood, Fox had more! Geraldo Rivera had a brief puff piece on Hannity about how he got to meet Ivanka at the White House yesterday, and Ivanka is just the nicest woman ever and golly she's swell. Rivera previewed the appearance with a tweet in which he took a selfie with Jared and Ivanka:
It was nice of him to wear more than his traditional selfie towel (Geraldo will never be a hoopy frood). But what Geraldo wrote on that tweet seems maybe, a tad rude to everyone else in the Trump administration, doesn't it? Leaving aside the fact that "Snitches, Vipers, and Rats" was a perfectly disastrous follow-up to Cher's 1971 hit "Gypsies Tramps and Thieves," it's also not a very nice thing to say about literally the entire non-Javanka West Wing, no?
Happily, Rivera very smoothly backed away from that: He never said the West Wing is full of snitches, vipers, and rats -- he meant it used to be, at some other time, a time that is not now but rather is far in the past, he just forgot to switch tenses:
You see, that's why he used the present tense to refer to the work they so bravely carried on with before all those nasty bad people Ivanka's father surrounded himself with were given the boot. All is well, yes, very much so.
By the time the segment aired on Hannity last night, Geraldo had kicked into full regal flattery mode like a minor minister who has displeased the princess, or perhaps has designs on the royal bedchamber:
Hannity did at least get in a jab about Geraldo doing "such a better selfie than what I’m used to. I’m only kidding" -- after which Hanity and Rivera did a terrorist fist bump, for reals. Then Hannity offered a whole new reinterpretation of "they work in a nest of snitches, vipers & rats AKA the #WestWing": Obviously, when Geraldo said "West Wing," he meant everywhere BUT that: "And you were talking about all the people in DC that are horrible, not the administration." Sure, Hannity, isn't that how most people refer to everything but the West Wing, like when we say "Fox News is full of sycophantic rat-felchers who'd throw their moms in front of a train for the chance to suck up to the Trumps," we actually mean "the mainstream media."
But Geraldo liked the redefinition, because it let him get on to the important work of explaining how Ivanka is a radiant being of pure light. And maybe she will some day allow him another blessed moment in her presence. The effect was perhaps diminished a bit by Hannity, who couldn't quite set aside his desire to throw everyone else in Washington into an industrial shredder like junkyards use to pulverize cars and sometimes zombies:
Rivera: She is so noble and she is so efficient and so effective and she wants the best for the country, she wants the best for her dad, and I am 100 percent behind her. I think that she and Jared are nice, the kids are settled, they have a nice home.
Hannity: It is a bloody, brutal, dirty, outrageous business. It's hard.
Afterwards, we'll assume Rivera went home and took more of his usual kind of selfies, if you know what we mean and we think you do. (We are saying he had a wank while feverishly imagining Donald Trump's hot daughter, who he was behind, 100 percent).
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.