Friends of Wonkette: Help Us Decide Which Of Our Epic Blunders To Submit To The Breitbart Awards
Awards season is upon us! Yes, the Grammys and the Oscars already happened and the Emmys won't be announced until September, but those don't count because our probation officer won't let us anywhere near those giant open bar events. No, instead we are waiting for the announcement of journalism's most prestigious awards gala. The Pulitzers? Fuck that shit, they allow any dumb kid with a laptop to nominate themselves. No, we are saving our monies to lobby for recognition from the true embodiment of journalistic standards, the Breitbart Awards:
The Heritage Foundation and Franklin Center for Government & Public Integrity ask for your assistance in paying tribute to the monumental achievements of Andrew Breitbart’s work, and the recognition of those who continue his legacy by carrying the torch for freedom and truth.
Well la-ti-fuckin-da, a dinner and gala paid for by the Heritage Foundation. Given the scratch that those grifters are pulling in, that has got to be one hell of a party (albeit not as fun as a Freedomworks retreat). How can we get in on this scam?
We will honor an individual whose efforts advance the spirit of Andrew Breitbart’s work. Nominations will be accepted for individuals who are driven by an indomitable pursuit for truth and accountability, and whose work has broken meaningful ground in advancing those causes on behalf of the public good.
Nominations must be submitted by 5pm EST on March 31st to be considered. (You may submit nominations on your own behalf)
We are in luck! Yur Wonket is the very definition of accountability, veracity, and public service -- if all of those things are viewed through the lens of a dead coked-up demagogue who operated with an open wallet from the most malignant forces within this country. Who better to dole out awards for journalistic excellence than an organization that in just the last two weeks has been thoroughly excoriated for publishing bullshit that the beltway press (who started the Iraq war based on lies) found to be laughably terrible. And as the whole thing is being funded by the lobbying arm/money laundering outfit of the conservative movement you know the MC will be someone awesomely terrible and racist.
But for real, we missed out on the great blogger Malaysian gravy train and our landlord stopped accepting weed brownies in lieu of rent last month, so we need this award BAD (if just to pawn the trophy). So please dear readers, which of these posts from the last year best represents the sort of work expected from a man whose notoriety was derived from behavior that most resembled a drunken bus station hobo?
- Our own reprinting of Matt Boyle's unfounded balderdash regarding Senator Menendez and the slew of stiffed hookers. We certainly did a great job of breathlessly re-printing that sack of lies without independently verifying a single thing alleged in the story (JUST LIKE A REALZ POLITICAL REPORTER).
- Alleging that the New York Times published a photo of Obama "looking slick and cocky" when they were actually displaying the work of some wingnut powerpoint. That sort of reflexively insane cynicism should really impress an outfit that employs John Nolte.
- Deciding a nekkid picture of Tom Graves in the Sea of Galilee was actually Kevin Yoder for the lolz. We're still pissed that this story was not inexplicably brought up in a confirmation hearing.
- Defaming Bradlee Dean. Sadly, by the time Shirley Sherrod's grandkids are playing hide and go seek in the repossessed Breitbart.com conference room, we will still be trying to attach Dean's assets (his van/house) to get back our attorney fees. (Which so far comprise more than $40 in Old Handsome Joe Biden mugs to Wonket inhouse counsel "Snipy.")
- This glorious week when we made three pretty obvious mistakes that could have been avoided by better googling. Although we gave our readers notice of the mistakes and apologized, which is most definitely a shonda in the world of Breitbart.
- Taking a few out of context quotes to make Jeffery Toobin look like a blood thirsty ghoul. So what if Toobin is actually pretty obviously against America's 5th most embarrassing legal issue? HE COMMITTED THE SIN OF SLOPPY OPINION WRITING AND MUST BE BURNED.
So there you are folks, which of these entries will get us access to that sweet dinner? The last one was held in glorious Providence, Rhode Island, and we're just dying to stuff our pockets full of shellfish while the Virgin Ben glares at us in disapproval or watching Matt Boyle get run out of a Mob-owned strip club for getting too handsy with the dancers.