Frottage Perv Mark Halperin REFUSES To Take His Gross Penis And Go Home
Mark Halperin has trouble taking no for an answer. It's a demonstrated issue that cropped up again when he reportedly flipped out on his former boss Phil Griffin. The MSNBC president, like most of civilized society, hasn't forgotten that multiple women accused Halperin of rubbing his penis on them, against their will, at work. Griffin shot down a comeback attempt with Halperin's one-time "Morning Joe" buddies, and Halperin called him directly to, we assume, weep into the phone. When that didn't work, he got downright snippy.
Multiple sources tell The Daily Beast that the conversation earlier this year became acrimonious, with Halperin dishing up vague threats against his former boss.
You'd think someone who considered unwanted frottage "flirting" would at least make direct threats. But Halperin is probably only capable of cutting to the chase when he's threatening to ruin the careers of women who reject his advances. During Halperin's richly deserved #MeToo fall, CNN reported the following:
Another woman claimed Halperin threw her against a window before attempting to kiss her. When the woman rejected his advances, he allegedly called her and said she'd never work in politics or media again.
It's certainly ironic -- at least how Alanis Morissette defines it -- that Griffin told Halperin in so many words that he'd "never work in politics or media again." Halperin's weak-sauce threats, likely delivered while he was wearing his bathrobe, didn't successfully bully Griffin, who probably won't take his phone calls in the future.
But has #MeToo gone too far in its zeal? Maybe Halperin has reformed during his two-year timeout from mediocrity. After all, God might "oppose the proud" but the creator of Shirley Bassey also "gives grace to the humble." And if you'd suffered a stroke or something and couldn't say any other words, "humble" is exactly how you'd describe Halperin's reflections on his misconduct.
"I wasn't a perfect person when I made these mistakes," [Halperin] told [Michael] Smerconish during his interview on Sirius XM earlier this year. "I'm not a perfect person now. I'm happy to be judged by perfect people."
Yes, only a truly perfect being like, say, Jodie Whittaker could presume to judge a man who an ABC News desk assistant claims masturbated in front of her (we stress again it's without her consent; we're not anti-kink here).
"I sat in a chair across from him," she told CNN. "He was behind a wooden desk so I couldn't see him from the waist down. As we had our conversation about my career he was masturbating. There was no question about it."
"I pretended like I didn't know what was going on and we talked a bit more and then he abruptly wrapped up the conversation," she continued.
The woman told CNN it was clear what Halperin was doing. "There was an up and down motion," she said.
"I don't know if he made any sound at the end or how it was clear to me that he had climaxed," she said. "But it was clear that he was satisfied -- like he stopped making that motion and stopped staring at me."
We might not like Halperin but maybe we need him. Donald Trump is in the White House, which Halperin kinda helped happen, but whatever. Maybe Halperin possesses a unique political insight that can help us through these difficult times. It's like when Tom Cruise is assembling his Mission: Impossible team and realizes there's only one person alive who can help him break into the Pentagon. He finally just sighs with resignation and says, "All right, fine. Get the masturbator."
Fortunately, Halperin is sharing his political commentary for free on Twitter, so we have examples of all the brilliance we're missing. Yes, he refers to it as the "Wide World of News." And, yes, he's also hyping his upcoming book that pretty much everyone he interviewed now regrets.
Halperin makes his typical, oh-so-male OBJECTIVE DECLARATION. He's right, you rubes, “regardless of the outcome." This is what crappy sports writers would submit if they planned to skip the game and just go to a local strip club for free wings: “Regardless of the outcome, the team that played had a bad night or maybe a good night. There's no doubt either one happened."
Monday, Halperin tweeted the following gibberish.
This is mind-numbingly stupid. If an alien race of stupid people wanted to make first contact with equally unintelligent life, they would scan the heavens for thoughts this stupid. Halperin's "take" is fueled by misogyny and, we hope for his own sanity, bad gin. We shouldn't bother engaging with someone who publicly states: "What a woman wants doesn't matter, what matters is what she's going to do to get it." That's the tagline for Basic Instinct 3, not an informed political theory.
We'll just keep telling Halperin this until the message finally sinks in: Please take your gross penis and grosser opinions and kindly fuck off forever.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).