Fugitive Polygamous Cult Leader Maybe Isn't On The Lam. Maybe Just Got Raptured!
Lyle Jeffs, the brother of notorious child-raping Fundamentalist Church of Latter Day Saints cult leader Warren Jeffs, has been on the lam since June after using a "substance like olive oil" to slip off his GPS monitoring bracelet and escape house confinement.
NOW, some might say that he disappeared in order to avoid being prosecuted for food stamp fraud. See, the feds think that Jeffs was forcing his constituents receiving SNAP benefits to give them over to him, so that he could divert the funds and maybe used them to buy himself a luxury car, and he is kind of in a lot of trouble for that!
However, his lawyer, Kathryn Nester, has a different theory. Sure, he could have disappeared! But also he could have been kidnapped! Or even raptured, because God was so super impressed with the holy way in which he stole that food stamp money, and the way the FLDS has been putting children to work picking pecans, that he wanted to vacuum him up into heaven RIGHT AWAY before anyone else. All she knows is that he is not there, and she can't talk to him, and therefore she can't really do her job.
“As this Court is well aware, Mr. Jeffs is currently not available to inform his counsel whether or not he agrees to the Continuance. Whether his absence is based on absconding, as oft alleged by the Government in their filings, or whether he was taken and secreted against his will, or whether he experienced the miracle of rapture is unknown to counsel,” Kathryn Nester wrote. “However, his absence prevents counsel from obtaining his approval and thus further prevents counsel from filing a joinder with the Motion to Continue Current Trial Date in compliance with the local rules.”
It seems pretty likely that Nester is being sarcastic, and is in fact just freaking annoyed with her disappearing client making her job impossible to do. Particularly considering that the Mormons don't so much believe in the Rapture as much as they believe that when you die you go to your own special planet with your whole family and hang out in the solar system with God, who lives on a planet called Kolob. And, you know, if you are an FLDS type, you believe you go there with all of your teenage wives or whatever, and you get a bigger and better planet in order to make room for all of your wives. I think? It's something like that. I know the extra wives have something to do with the planet you get to live on when you die.
Anyway, it is probably unlikely that Lyle Jeffs has been raptured, or kidnapped [Robyn has obviously never seen "Big Love" OR "The Leftovers," obvs -- Editrix], and he is probably just driving around the country in his luxury car with his child brides or whatever and hoping he won't get caught ever.
Robyn Pennacchia is a brilliant, fabulously talented and visually stunning angel of a human being, who shrugged off what she is pretty sure would have been a Tony Award-winning career in musical theater in order to write about stuff on the internet. In addition to her work at Wonkette, she also has a biweekly column at Dame. Follow her on Twitter at @RobynElyse