Georgia Rep. Doug Collins, a loyal Trump stooge, desperately wanted to fill the retiring Johnny Isakson's US Senate seat, but the GOP establishment instead rallied behind gazillionaire Kelly Loeffler, whose prior political experience involved donating sacks of cash to Republicans, including $247,500 to the National Republican Senatorial Committee.

Gov. Brian Kemp had nothing but the best motives, we assume, when he picked Loeffler. It's hard to beat her “I'm filthy rich" qualifications. She could even self-finance her election campaign in 2020 and save the GOP money for other races. But like most other dreams, that ended with COVID. It turned out that Loeffler and her husband, Mr. Also Richer Than God, dumped a bunch of stock after an “Oh Shit!" coronavirus briefing in January. She underplayed the threat for weeks afterward like a good little Trumplican.


The coronavirus is now ravaging Georgia, and while profiting off people's suffering might seem normal capitalist behavior, it's a bad look when you're trying to win an election during a global pandemic. Loeffler announced in a Wall Street Journal op-ed that she's liquidating all her individual stock holdings. The senator picked an economically advantageous moment to grow a conscience because the Dow is surging, Wall Street is rallying, and all that other rich asshole talk. They've got their own language over there. (The markets apparently danced with joy when Bernie Sanders dropped out of the race, sparing investors the Great Depression of universal health care.)

But, man, you know Loeffler's in trouble when this is the headline for her op-ed:

Wall Street Journal

That's right. Loeffer did not have sexual relations with those stocks.

LOEFFLER: I'm not doing this because I have to.

Oh, honey, you so are.

LOEFFLER: I've done everything the right way and in compliance with Securities and Exchange Commission regulations, Senate ethics rules and U.S. law. I'm doing it because the issue isn't worth the distraction.

Normal people, many of whom vote in Georgia, don't consider millions of dollars in stock sales a “distraction." Besides, did she really believe her investment portfolio wouldn't come up? If she ran for Senate seats instead of trying to buy them, she'd have learned this already.

LOEFFLER: My family's investment accounts are being used as weapons for an assault on my character at a time when we should all be focused on making our country safe and strong.

Collins wasted no time vivisecting Loeffler.

Internal polls within the Collins campaign show the congressman up double digits over Loeffler. November's race is an “all-party" contest with Democrats and Republicans on the ballot. If no candidate receives a majority of the vote, the race will go to a runoff in January. Loeffler should cross her fingers and hope she at least is in the top two. Otherwise, she could commiserate with Martha McSally, who polls show consistently behind her Democratic challenger, Mark Kelly. McSally and Loeffler could make twisted history together as two incumbents who lost their Senate seats without ever actually winning an election.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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