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Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man on the Internet, may have suffered a minor embarrassment Monday when one of his "writers," young genius Jacob Wohl, turned out to be involved in that fakey-fake attempt to fabricate a sex scandal against Robert Mueller. Or not -- Jim Hoft doesn't do "embarrassed," although he hurriedly pulled down some dubious documents accusing Mueller of rape and promised to "investigate" further. Never one to let publicity go to waste, Hoft took to the Twitters Wednesday morning, promising,"We have a hell of a story developing." OOOH, is it a new development in the ongoing fart-cloud of stupidity involving Wohl and the fake "intelligence" operation headquartered at his mom's house?

Haha, no of course not! It was actually a very timely Hallowe'en story, in fact, just asking the important, if long-winded, question, "As Democrats' Deceptive Smears, Illegal Caravans, and Intimidation Mobs Backfire, Will the 'Satanic Left' Turn to Its Magick?" The answer may astonish you: Probably, because Democrats are in League With the Devil!

Get it? It was a hell of a story because it was about Satan! No, really, do you get it? Are you sure?


Honestly, we were a tad disappointed by the story itself, which is actually so badly written that whoever's responsible didn't even put their name on it. The byline is "Assistant Editor." It reads like maybe it was an audition screed they had on hand and decided to just toss into the mix because, hey, Halloween, and also it's not about Jacob Wohl tripping over his clown shoes and kicking himself in his clown dick with one of those clown shoes, like a clown.

Even for Gateway Pundit, this is some pretty crap writing, with Excessive Capitalized Letters all over the Place. The style resembles nothing so much as a not especially experienced college freshman trying to Sound Serious. A sample!

It is suggested that some individuals at the highest echelons of the current Democratic Party are connected to various forms of dark occult practice. [...]

These examples can certainly be considered aberrant and highly unusual email exchanges and references, particularly for hi-level US Government officials. There are various other examples. Undeniably, these eye-opening revelations had an impact on the outcome of the 2016 Presidential Election.

The shocking examples, of course, involved the Podesta email about "spirit cooking," which conclusively proved there were child sex dungeons in the nonexistent basement of a DC pizza parlor. Or Pizza Parlor, if you prefer. Also, maybe an email forwarded by Mary Podesta included a reference to "Thelema" -- a demon worship cult "founded by self-professed Satanist, Aleister Crowley, in 1904." Or maybe it was a typo. Safest to assume satanism, isn't it?

Even more shockingly shocking is an absolutely serious and shocking reference to occult practices from "Wikileaks publication of The Hillary Clinton Email Archive," in which Cheryl Mills, "then Chief of Staff for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton," makes her true confession of devil worship: She closed "an official State Department email" about Honduras by saying, "With fingers crossed, the old rabbit's foot out of the box in the attic, I will be sacrificing a chicken in the backyard to Moloch."

WELL! "Assistant Editor" is willing to accept a certain amount of wishing for good luck, but that last bit is just FREAKY:

While the fingers crossed and the old rabbit's foot are common symbols of good luck, the Moloch reference is highly unusual. Moloch is an ancient Canaanite deity associated with the practice of child sacrifice and is referenced in the Bible as a clear example of idolatrous abomination.

Or maybe Mills was joking about what looked like a tentative resolution to a mundane but drawn out diplomatic matter? Which is pretty awful, too, because you just don't joke about the devil, lest you invite him to take over your soul, you know.

The only other occult stuff in the essay is a pretty tortured attempt to find evidence that Bill and Hillary became members of a Haitian voodoo cult, based on a 2015 article from WaPo recounting "That time Bill and Hillary Clinton went to a voodoo ceremony in Haiti," which was itself based on a brief passage in Clinton's memoir. Here, is this scary enough? The story, says "Assistant Editor,"

describes how Former President Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton received a voodoo lesson from one of the highest ranking voodoo priests, Max Beauvoir, while visiting Haiti in the late 1970's. They then proceeded to participate in at least one voodoo ritual led by Beauvoir. The article refers to Former President Clinton's memoir My Life as it's source. In his memoir, Former President Clinton describes the "brief course in voodoo theology" led by Beauvoir and the subsequent ritual that he and Hillary participated in later that evening in detail.

Shocking! Of course, the actual piece says nothing about the guy being "one of the highest ranking voodoo priests," because as far as we know, there's no Voodoo Vatican. WaPo's Karen Tumulty makes it quite clear Clinton himself viewed the whole thing from the perspective of a definite outsider, not a believer, although he would lie about that, wouldn't he? Oddly, this bit of the WaPo piece doesn't make it into Gateway Pundit story:

Clinton wrote that his "brief foray into the world of voodoo" furthered his fascination with "the way different cultures try to make sense of life, nature, and the virtually universal belief that there is a nonphysical spirit force at work in the world."

Not that the distinction would matter to the most fervent readers, because he still consorted with demons, after all.

Saddest of all, even after that airtight case proving that Democrats all dance with the Devil in the pale moonlight, the piece completely whiffs its chance to pay off that opening question. Instead of predicting that, yep, the Dems sure will be using dark magicks to influence next week's election -- for Crom's sake, it's so obvious, since evil Dems even invoke Crom, a gloomy and savage Cimmerian war god -- the piece ends with a lot of rah-rah for Donald Trump, with nary a demon to even shoot with your AR-15:

The high stakes defining atmosphere that surrounded the 2016 Presidential Elections has been literally transposed onto the upcoming 2018 Midterm Elections. Patriotic Americans from across the political, cultural and religious spectrum should consider with great care the far-reaching moral and spiritual consequences of their ballot and it's global implications, as this is clearly the most critical and defining midterm election in Modern US History. America's sovereignty, security and economic future literally hangs in the balance.

Let's take our country back. once and for all.

Yeesh. Not even an exorcism? SAD. WEAK.

The truly scary thing about the piece? If Jacob Wohl ends up getting shitcanned for his fake "intelligence" high jinks -- though there's no reason Jim Hoft would actually fire someone merely for making shit up -- whoever wrote this thing might pass the audition and get a byline. Imagine the quality of writing at the Gateway Pundit -- which has almost three million readers a month -- getting worse?

The horror. The horror.

[Gateway Pundit / WaPo]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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